sucks

that is why I don't work on it.
makes me sad, pulls something out of me, that I don't know is there, and lately the words make me sad.
I would understand if I modeled him after me, but it is strange, sometimes lately I will be doing something, or feeling something, and I think "oh, this is like how Mikiyoshi felt". I'm not supposed to take after him. I'm not supposed to write things about him, and see things, and then months or years later, discover I am feeling that way.
Yeah maybe I don't really want to go there. Am scared to go there, don't enjoy all the feelings that go along with being there.

the pale poppies are haunting me, making me sad, with context that is not of my own life, but of Mik's. It all crashes upon me, as I look upon them, the beauty and the pain.

Botan's voice so strong, his words, don't feel like mine, the beating of his heart...

We can't all stay suspended in time. I must go on.

I waited too long to type the stuff up, it is very frustrating because I no longer remember what I wrote, hence it is necessary to actually be able to read it, and I can't read all of it, and I spend time guessing different lines, and groups of missing words, and wonder what it is that I have forgotten, if it doesn't matter, or if it changes the essence of that which follows.

usually working on it, having it expand makes me happy, why lately does it make me sad?
It's like walking on your own grave
("I'd rather you didn't say that." " But that is what came, that is what I thought")
Is it not still a fairlytale? I thought it had wings and fluttered and flew.
yeah well, it also seems to have an anvil