I am reclusive
I like being pulled along within myself, not being pulled out of myself.
I guard my time, and I guard my self.
(this is an overly long post, I know, overly telling too, but these thoughts have been heavy upon me lately, and I wish to set them in this boat, and set it to sail, moving off, so lighter feelings may prevail)
I like to go gorcery shopping, and working on my flower garden, and watching TV (primetime, Oprah, movies), and going to the beach ( being quiet while there, walking the beach and boardwalk, bike riding, reading, staring at the ocean, listening to the birds. Feeling the sunshine and the sand. I love the way the beach smells.), I like to read, I like to paint and sketch, (apparently I also like to blog). I love my ipod; I dance around my bathroom while I brush my teeth. I enjoy singing badly and often. I am a perpetual daydreamer (I still crush on people, much the way I did when I was 14. Anderson C has been holding that spot for a while now). I like zoos, aquariums, botanical gardens. I like sitting in the car, watching the world go by, daydreaming and thinking. I enjoy food, but don't often have any good meals (my cooking isn't good). I like to research. I like art, and ideas, and I love books. I love that books are filled with information and ideas, worlds tucked inside, voices taking you to the past, pulling you into a possible future, or just carrying you along inside someone in a way you wouldn't otherwise be. I like the old dictionaries with pictures. I have a copy of, The Volume Library, first copyright 1911, last 1948 (I got it at a used book sale) it has all kinds of stuff in it, it's cool. I love book stores. I love words. I like to struggle with my writing, rushing ahead then pulling back, feeling empty, feeling overly full; being told things that, hit my soul like the sight of sunset lit clouds hits my eyes. What entertains me would bore most people, and what others find entertaining, I often find boring. I like seeking those moments when something ordinary will reveal itself as extraordinary. I am quiet to listen, so as to hear. No, I don't want to play cards; no I really don't. I do like playing Uno with my son, (he likes to slam me with cards, and I enjoy payback, we are evenly matched). But I don't like most games. I don't know why I don't, part of it I suppose is because I am a poor loser, and often lose (monopoly has brought me to tears more than once, I now refuse to play. I'm always broke and in jail! It's really depressing.); but it isn't the end, so much as the journey, playing itself that I don't enjoy. How can I not enjoy playing games? I don't know, but I don't. I'm more content with other content.
I do however, enjoy being silly. I like nonsense, verbal nonsense, and physically jumping about with my son. The other day Cheese was annoying me for sport, so I threatened him. I said "If you don't cut it out, I'm going to beat you!" He said "No, you wont". I said "Oh, yes I will. I will. I really will!". He rolled his eyes at me. So I jumped up and looked about. I went over to the box of tissues pulled one out, walked over to my son and said "You are really going to want to close your eyes for this honey, because I am going to beat you and you aren't going to want to see it coming". He looked both horrified and amused. He closed his eyes half way, and I proceeded to swat him enthusiastically with the tissue, which brought him to fits of giggles "Close those eyes!" I repeated "Do you want to witness such a gruesome act?". He nearly fell off the sofa, over the ridiculousness of it all. Then I put down the tissue and sat on the sofa "See I told you I would beat you. And I did". That I like, absurdity. Not very good parenting, as it was more of a reinforcer than a punishment. Because neither one of us knows what he will get, I could just say "stop it" a hundred times,or I could get really mad and send him to his room without privileges (right to play video games and watch TV), or I might respond with a bunch of silly nonsense; it seems that it is quite worth it to him, to try again and again to see what might occur on any given day.
When my son and I are in the right mood together it is like riding a perfect wave. We have so much fun. There are plenty of other times, when it feels like being his mom is one long pop quiz, or test, and I am forever getting the answers wrong (frequently I don't even understand the questions). He does like to quiz me on stuff, he knows I don't know, which only adds to this feeling. Cheese and I are alike in temperament, "get" each other, are alike in sense of humor. So I enjoy him, even when he is driving me crazy, and even when I feel I am messing up. I just want tons and tons of chances, because sometimes I do get it right, sometimes I get it wrong, and most of the time I am in the middle, but always, I want to see what today and tomorrow have to offer us.
I don't like gossip, I don't drink, I don't like politics. Getting high for me, is smelling a ripe peach, or strawberries, or concord grapes. I love the way those things smell. I don't like jokes, I don't. I do like bad puns though (the happier the more horrible). I don't like sports, watching or playing. I like walking and exploring on foot, or by car. I like to travel, as long as I have a book, notebook and pen, bottled water, and access to good bathrooms. I don't understand dark comedies, or the three stooges, or Jack*ss, or punk'd. I don't like scary movies. (alien and giant whatever movies are fine). I do enjoy Grey's Anatomy and the like, so I do have some things in common with other people (that is reassuring). I like our annoying cat. There can be no doubt as to why he ended up in the shelter where we bought him, but he fits in here nicely. (by the by, I like Bob too)
Sometimes I feel like I am made wrong. I have no friends (except for holdovers, one from childhood, the other one from college, we send emails), and it feels like a person really should; isn't that part of being human? But I am content with how I spend my time and my days, and never feel I have too much time alone, but often feel instead, that I haven't had enough. That is weird isn't it? Shouldn't everyone have friends? Friends enrich your life, you support each other, share ideas and feelings, and make each other laugh (I know I am missing out on all that. That feeling of connection, involvement). Sometimes it feels like no one likes me, and maybe no one does, that is a sad thought, but I couldn't and wouldn't change me to have other people like me; I wouldn't know how to even if I wanted to, and I wouldn't want to lose my time, to give up time for people (sort of odd, looking at it, there on the page, doesn't everyone want to give up time for people, real people, actual people? But I believe it is a true sentence). I check to see if it is just a symptom of insecurity. Do I feel this way simply because I know I come across as incredibly dull, or as daff- dumb? And there is that, that is part of it. I thought I was much better as I got older, but I still feel exposed and like I said something stupid after I am with people, it is just before it used to happen all the time, because I was around people a lot more (school, and work), now it only happens every once in a while, because I am mostly at home (I don't feel insecure with Bob and Cheese). But as far back as my memory goes, while I have enjoyed people, I have always been content to be alone, to sit and play and daydream. Content in my own head, and not in any rush to be around others; they always change the narrative of games. Other people don't like it when you drift along in your head to somewhere else, they are always calling you back. I have always been my own best companion. So, I know part of it, is just me, the way that I am made. I suppose it would all be ok if I could get over the notion that there is something wrong with the way that I am, ok to be predominantly solitary. I like people, that isn't the problem, but I lean towards being antisocial. It does concern me at times. Bob and Cheese have to ferret me out of my burrow. I feel bad for them. And yet, truth is, I don't want to change. I asked Bob if he felt gypped that I am the way that I am. He said no, except for the whole cooking thing, that he is never going to get any good meals. (yeah, I find that disappointing too. I have tried, and tried. I've tried harder at that than I have at being friendly and still, no good).
Ugh, then and than are driving me nuts, I know I am forever messing them up, I look them up, and still I mix them up.
Summer vacation is just about to start, and I wont really spend time with anyone but Bob and Cheese. I'll go to my mom's a couple of times, but that is it. We will go to the pool, but I won't talk to anyone there, I will take a book, and my writing, and hopefully one of Cheese's friends, so he wont constantly harass me to go into the water. There wont be friends over for cook-outs. It is unlikely we will go out to eat with anyone. Bob will go skateboarding with his friends, and also hang out with them now and then. The last two vacations we were on, other people were along to, extended family, and while I like the people, I actually prefer it when it is just the three of us. I am more relaxed, I have a better time, no one tries to make me join in and do things I don't want to do. I only have two people talking to me, rather than 9 or more. That sentiment just shocks me, I know fair well it is true, but what sort of person feels that way?
It just feels like I am made a bit different, and every now and again (like now), I wonder if that is ok, but I guess it has to be, because that is me.
This is me.
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