Wednesday, June 6, 2007

counting calories

I took a break while sick, but now I am back to it
and I have a tendency to lie.
either over-estimating or underestimating. I figure in a week, over-all, it will work out.
1,500 when exercising. 1,200 when not.
I walked 3.338 miles today, that isn't a full work-out, but will probably be what I do this summer. I'm only asking for three days a week. I kept the calories lower today, because I can't recall the last time (before today) that I exercised.

I remember when my Nana died, and I found some of her old notebooks. I liked all the writing, poems, and diary stuff I found, but there was also a lot of bible study stuff, which is good, except I could see her constantly struggling on paper to be a better person (not necessary, she was already fabulous), and many days through out the years, of calorie counts, and measured food. It felt like her longest running diary, her life reduced to numbers on a page, struggling against herself, measuring herself, successful or not, good or bad, by how those stupid numbers added up. I hated them, I was looking for more of her, her thoughts, her words, not how much she did or didn't eat in a day. I think of that now, whenever I count, when page after page of a notebook is filled with numbers, measuring my ability, to measure and count, and contain the amount I eat. About how I felt when I saw her numbers, I wanted to scream to her, back through time, "Just enjoy it, your time, your life, it is all gone too soon, be who you are, there is nothing wrong with who you are, right now. Food is not your enemy; please don't you be your own enemy, embrace it, taste it, relax".
But I say to myself, it is just for a short time (and I know that will be true), I just need to see more closely and clearly, what I am consuming, in hopes of dropping a couple of pounds.

My son will look over at me, measuring cup, measuring spoons, ( I should really have a scale for ounces), and shake his head from side to side, "that is so sad, that is just so sad". I agree, pathetic too. It doesn't go with my food philosophy, which is, to eat real food, prepared well, and really enjoy it. ( and if one isn't stressing out about all sorts of stupid stuff all the time, then one isn't that likely to over-eat.

What? No I didn't finish today's writing pages.
Ok, off I go

by the bye,
that is 1,152.5 not 11,525!

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