Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Sunday night, I was flipping through channels, and stopped now and again on a PBS show about Iran

It was wonderful, it was beautiful to see. Always I see certain countries through the lens of politics, of troubles, in the news, always sand and guns. But this was different. Travel. Hills like red clay, separated by glowing green grass. Cream colored building taking on warm tints of coral. Food, architecture, culture, people. Beautiful people. Young people who were not saying anything about hate; warm, lovely, friendly, faces.

Now, I know the world is still the same as it was before, the politics, the troubles, they are not gone. But I thought of how nice it would be to only look through this lens. Just being interested in other people and how they live. What a beautiful world it would be. It did my heart good, made me happy, to see this country in a different way.
Sometimes the news drags me down, till it all seems war and strife, and that everyone hates us. I realize I too often let myself be fed a media diet of limited images. Yes there is war and strife, yes there are those that hate us; but there is also so much beauty. And mostly people are just people, wanting the same things, and wanting to harm no one.
Like my prayers at night, not limited prayers for one country, but prayers for all people everywhere. I want to say something that sounds a bit deeper, but the trouble is that Peggy Lee song keeps playing in my head, and I might as well just surrender to it,
"My wish for you, sweet happy life."

all images off wikipedia, except the last one, that was off a politcal wordpress.

Monday, January 19, 2009

starting of a brand new day

I'm still working on my New Year's resolutions, you know it's not good to jump into these things to quickly. I'm trying to decide what is really important to me, and what goes at the top getting the most time and energy and what gets fit in when it can. Last year I put writing on top and gained weight. I don't want to remove writing from the top spot (of personal pursuits). But I am not enjoying the way my body currently looks. I don't feel like me. I wish I could lose weight without making that the primary focus of my time and energy.
So far the feedback for my writing (Echo) has been scant. My mom did say some things about the prologue needing work, and my cousin did tell me that the grammar is very bad, "at times not really even writing sentences." I took those kind of hard. As I did the fact that none of them have made much progress with reading it. The energy for writing has really been knocked out of me, it has felt rather pointless to pursue. (Why bother? is the attitude I keep trying to ditch) But my husband not known previously as a pep talker, has certainly decided to be one now. He has told me to keep going forward, keep writing, telling me he likes my writing, and that the areas that need improvement, are areas, with work, that can without a doubt be improved. I say, "But why spend my life pursuing a dream that can never be, it is pointless." And he says, "What other way is there to spend a life?" And then I think of that, what other way would I want to spend my time. To let go of the dream, to pursue nothing, is certainly not an improvement. I wouldn't like such emptiness. One can of course change one's dream and pursue something else. But he is right in knowing that I am not at that point yet. I am still only at the beginning of this journey. I must fail a lot more before I know whether or not I can succeed. And I might as well finish the stories I have started that I long to see all the way through.
I wish I wasn't taking it so hard, this lack of feedback, and then a few negative words, but handing someone Echo is like handing them a fragment of my soul. Dramatic words I know, but it feels entirely true. My other storeis are part of me too, but not in the same way, not to the same degree. I knew it needed work certianly, I asked for feedback to help me improve it, but they are finding things wrong with the parts I thought were fine. And no one seems to be connecting with it, feeling and seeing any part of it as meaningful or beautiful. So that is the source of my sadness.
So I am trying to move forward with the writing but I am doing so on wobbly legs. On the positive side, I am really touched by my husband. I mean perhaps when married it should be obvious that one loves the other, but I haven't truly felt it so, merely so, but not deeply so. But in this, that he didn't say, "Yeah you suck, why are you wasting your time, and our time. You should be learning how to cook better, and looking after us more. Go get a job outside the house to bring in more money." I have felt keenly his love for me. He has validated my pursuit of a dream, knowing it may bring him nothing, and even take time away from him. He has validated it knowing I long to pursue it, knowing how much it means to me. There have been times when I would have, and have, fought for this privilege, for time, mine. But not lately. I have stood before him more or less defeated, feeling I had no right, to take such time as my own, to sit alone for hours with pen and page. Sadly at this point I felt, I feel, I need permission, and I have been amazed that he has given it to me. Not reluctantly, not under coercion, but freely, abundantly, heaping it on me like a directive. With a little bit of tone that I would ever leave the question of pursuing my dreams up to the opinions of other people.
God am I grateful.

I don't have my new year's resolutions down yet, I'm still forming them in my head, but I do know that writing wont be pushed down around the edges. Not this year. I must finish the other two stories.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

We have a temporary house guest. We named her Poppy Strudel.

Sebastian keeps begging for just a little taste.
She likes to sit in her food dish while she dines.

She is soon to be joined by 5 brown mice, if we can ever find such, so far we can only find white mice with red eyes which I sweetly call possessed or evil mice. Why the rodent invasion? Science fair project. Which involves having them run on a wheel(with a generator) to see if they can generate enough power to light a night light or some such.
I've read Robo hamsters can go up to 20 miles a night on there wheels and watching her I believe it.

Here she is in her litter box. Yes! A hamster litter box. She loves it! No she doesn't go to the bathroom in it (like the box claims) but she finds it makes a great tunnel and she likes the way the little balls feel under her feet.

I have nothing to do with the science project, as it is way over my head, my job is care (aka clean-up) and feeding of critters. And I have no intention of keeping any of them (though I do find Poppy quite cute).

I do hope we are able to find them suitable homes after the project is completed.

by the bye,
I am having a little bit of trouble picking a theme that shows all the type. And since I can't figure out how to adjust the color within a theme, I'm choosing a theme based on text visibility.

I don't know if anyone of my family members has made progress reading Echo; I think not. And the research for Swans is slow going, as I am not at all enjoying reading The History of Private Life, so far. It seems to take a ton of words to say anything, I just want info, short and sweet, not ideas. Usually I like ideas, but not when researching.