Monday, April 16, 2012
Last summer I was jogging trying to lean into an image of myself that would be fit, healthy, vital. Then in October the balance stuff started. And it has been a struggle to not see myself through the lens of someone who is unwell in some way. I finally came to the self dx of disembarkment syndrome (Mal de Debarquement Syndrome) and that has really helped me, because it is self limiting, not progressive, and doesn't effect lifespan or anything. But still on a bad day when I try to do something regular, like walk up a small incline, use a public restroom, get out of the car, scrub anything, and I end up feeling like I am ninety, my mindset tends to suffer. So it will take time for me to get used to this and all the minor adjustments I need to make; to be prepared for feeling wonky, but not to expect it.
Now today- Today was a good day. This morning I went to the park and walked by myself. The sort of thing I have hesitated to do because of the hide and seek quality of my equilibrium; one moment I am fine, the next I can feel like I am on a boat- or like I am falling through the ground, or feel like I am being pushed down, or falling backward. Every day I get to ask myself will I be okay today? Answer-Heck I don't know. But today walking I didn't have any problems, and so fueled by that success, I was inspired to try rollerblading this afternoon. I have wanted to do it for the past month but have been scared to try. I mean in the past months I have almost fallen while standing perfectly still on flat ground, so it didn't seem like the best sort of idea. But I did it, and I was fine. Like with walking, moving faster and more decisively tends to work best, much better than attempting lots of stops and starts, looking around, and turning in circles. And hours later I still feel fine. I know I could still get walloped, it has happened before- where I think something went well, but there is just a time-lapse till the consequence arrives. But so far I'm feeling cheerful. Excited by the prospect that this is an activity I can still do and enjoy.
There are some sort of rules and I just have to figure them out. Trying to dance today, a hip sway side to side, felt like a tilt-a-whirl, circling my hips I felt pulled downward; I had to stop, first because of the nausea, and second because I know from experience that if I ignore this sensation it doesn't go away-instead my knees give way. So okay I can't dance footloose and fancy free like I used to- dance around every day-, and yeah that does bum me out- but rollerblading to music that too is awesome- and I think I am going to be able to do that. Woohoo!!