Thursday, June 21, 2007

3 am

I wish to be sleeping, but not dreaming
stupid Eragon, didn't care for it, too violent, too dark
and I watched it with my son, too close to bedtime
how I wish Bob would come home, I am always unsettled, uneasy when he isn't home. I am hoping to hear him at the door before I finish this.
I hate going to bed with eerie feelings.
I just awoke from a nightmare. And like a child, am seeing dark shadowy figures in the unlit world around me. But this light makes me uneasy too, this bright glaring computer light, revealing only me, telling my location in the dark.
I don't remember the beginning context of the dream, I remember that there was one, blurry images now. I turned the handle to a door, on purpose, and was in a different dimension, an old house, abandoned, floor rotting in places, all shades of grey and black, mostly empty, except for a few items here and there. I know I went to get something, was looking for something, and that someone else, a friend was supposed to follow close behind, but we weren't sure how any of it would work; scared at where I had arrived to alone, I rushed back to the door and turned it again, thinking I could walk back through and be back in the dimension I came from, the one I belonged in, the one I longed to be in. But nothing happened, I was trapped. I heard a sound, desparate, trying to call out to me. I saw an old mirror and grabbed it, and a girl's face appeared in it (haunting image, not everyday image of a girl) telling me I must hurry, I must hide. I was running out of time, "you need to be in something and on something, you need to be on the roof of something (an object), and be the roof for something" (something had to be on me). I rushed about in a closet, I don't remember it too clearly, I know I was under a sheet, and I had part of a vacuum cleamer on top of me, but I don't remember what I was on the roof of. The doors were opened seconds after I did this, I lay very still, I didn't know if following the rules made me invisible, or if it was some sort of game, and following the rules, granted me some sort of permission to go on. I did know, that not following them would result in ( I can't say it, surperstitious, I guess, but you know, it wouldn't be good). ( I just turned the light on. my eyes hurt for I am so tired, but now the room looks less ominous). Whatever it was, and there seemed to be odd children involved, looked in, the scene seemed monitored in some way, they were talking, and it seemed as if following some pre-written lines. I knew I hadn't followed the rules well, but I knew I had passed for the moment. I didn't know if I could just stay like this, or if the second the doors closed, if I would need to scramble again, and find another solution, another way to accomodate the rules. Could they see me between checks? Did I need to hide between checks? What was the timing interval? How would I find the object I had come for? And could it in any way help me get back home? Could I get back home without finding it? Did I wish my friend still to find a way in, to help me find a way out, or was it best if I alone was trapped here?

Oh darn it, he still isn't home. I must go back to sleep, but I do not wish to go back to that dream, or any siblings of it. Nightmares don't always sound awful when you tell them, but the experience of them is so horrible and scary, they have a feeling to them, to everything that happens in them, and even when nothing does, to every object or sight, contained there in. I suppose I will leave a light on, I don't care, well I only mildly care, how pathetic that sounds. It won't be this one though, right beside me, that reveals me. No. I need to be able to see objects through the darkness, but I do not wish to be so easily seen myself, I need a bit less light around me, so I can take some cover and be hidden.
ugh, where is that man? His job has no consideration for the way the house feels at night when he isn't in it, it doesn't feel right, it feels like something, someone, is missing.

4:20- Bob just came home, he will no doubt make fun of me, but I don't care. Maybe I can go back to sleep now, and on to other dreams, or perhaps it would be best not to dream again this night.

3 comments:

goodthomas said...

This is a very nice blog you have here -- no apologies needed. Goodness sake.

I thought your dream very scarey, especially in the way it was written, in almost one long sentence. Thought connected to thought, sequence to sequence.

I loved the photograph of your cat, your post on writing. One hour incriments seem wise. Boom, boom, get it done. And don't worry about your story with twinges of "buddism" -- your story is your story. If you tell it truthfully, for you, then you will have no choice but to do the story justice.

Good luck.

Taffiny said...

Thank you so much for your generous comments.

I am afraid the one long sentence thing isn't done for impact, it is just the way I tend to write, with all my words, ideas, and sentences huddled together, not wanting to break apart and separate. I am making an effort to not do this so much, and now you will see ;;;;; semicolons everywhere, a hybrid, as I try to move in that direction.

Like a child, I did not fall back to sleep till 5 when light entered the sky. (it felt quite cruel when the alarm went off at 7:30)

Thank you again for story encouragement

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