Tuesday, June 5, 2007

attempting to catch the elusive

I've been typing up stuff onto computer from notebook, and thought I would take a break, get the calendar, decide when the first rough draft is due, and help motivate myself, by providing some structure, and setting deadlines. It is due, 6 weeks from this Thursday, right before Harry Potter book comes out. I broke the story apart, so I know what has to be worked on and finished each week. mmhhhmm, yep. The voice in my head "there is no way in hell, I can do this, it isn't possible".
" Oh shut up, yes it is! Sure a month per section might make more sense than a week, but I know you, you'll lose focus if I give you time and be off doing other things, watching the clouds. And besides the second draft can take longer, fill in, expand, get it right, for this one, I just want it down in some sort of order and not strewn all about, I am getting overwhelmed with all the pieces."
I seem unable to do a nice neat outline, each line like a dandelion wishing to go to seed, blowing about here and there. ugh. I really thought having a nice little chart with incremental goals would help. It doesn't, I don't feel better, it doesn't seem more doable.
"Come on, I am not asking you to do it well, just to, to some degree, do it."
" I don't know how to, I don't know how to do anything."
"Whenever you get stuck, I give you permission to write in," big scary hole, have no clue what to do", and then go onto the next bit that you know. (that way you don't have to worry about getting stuck in the big scary black hole forever, you can just step around it. At least for now. Once you're sturdier and steadier, you can go back, and go through it, it will be a bit easier after you know better all the terrain, around it. The space it occupies)"
" I don't know how to weave together the past and the present."
"Then write them out first, separately, each in their own time, as if the other didn't exist, and then go back to that section, and redue it, weaving the strands together (and you'll know how they fit together, how to fit them together. And you will be sure of each being fluid and complete in its own time). Ok?"
" I don't know, maybe. It's time to go to bed."
"Yes, it is."

"seriously. Am I seriously going to have to dole out pep talks every 5 minutes?"
"its going to be a long 6 weeks"
"Only if I stick with it, and then I'll wish it had more time in it"
"ugh, you have to stick with it. Goodnight"
"sweet dreams"
"dream sweet"

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