Sunday, June 10, 2007

meaner demeanor

I think I am past it now.
Yesterday's three rose plants purchased (bushes), and soft serve ice cream cone (the boy's idea not mine), along with digging a 2' by 2' hole, seemed to help.

I have a lot more holes to dig (for plantings) today, so if I start getting snippy, I'll know it is time to get thee outside. I'm not feeling drawn there at the moment, because it is overcast and looks like rain; but that is probably a good reason to go outside and dig, because it isn't unbearably hot. It was pleasant enough outside yesterday, but in the car, I couldn't help but comment that I felt like a baked potato, being forever baked in the intense heat of an oven, all dried out and shriveling up, and still baking baking baking.

The research I was reading, got me interested in reading some Japanese literature from the 1930's on. Which would no doubt be helpful, but if I do all the research things that occur to me, than I shall never get around to writing, for it would take me years and years and years. I am a slow reader, and a rather hop-scotchy one, jumping back and forth from one to another, rather than reading one at a time straight through (unless something grabs me and pulls me in, and wont let me go till it has unfolded completely in my mind). I guess I will attempt some sort of survey thing, where I get a notion of things, ideas covered, and read parts.

I find my mind wanders over to Cricket and Pansy, (Clara and Sarah), and Fresh Oranges, but I wont go there now, I am trying to stay focused and work on one project at a time (when you mix in family, and gardening, and day to day responsibilites), it becomes important to narrow my focus on one thing (project), if I am to get anything done. But I do like to jump back and forth, and now feel the restraint of staying put. Edward Hooper, on CBS Sunday Morning, had me thinking of painting again. I have felt pulled towards it from time to time over the last couple of months, but I won't go. I don't know what is genuine anymore, what creative endeavors should be taken up, to enrich and play off ideas, and help increase each other; and which ones are procrastination, fear disguised as an urge to paint, or work on another writing project. In the past wherever I felt called, I would have gone to, and abandoned whatever I had been working on, for months, for years. Picking up and putting things down, over and over, putting in a sentence, or a scene, and then going off again. For once, I want to finish something, not forever be undone. ( I keep looking at the unfinished painting on my easel, it is about three feet to my left, and my mind starts to flow over its surface, filling in the incomplete places, increasing the focus so I can see the softly blurred areas become clear. From mist to form. I will answer, I will pick up brush and you will be finished, but not today, not today, not today). I have promised Mikiyoshi, I have promised myself, to do this one thing first. I wonder if I did pick up a paint brush and start gliding colored oils across, if Mikiyoshi and Koji would come get me, if I would still hear their voices, and they would tug at me, and pull me back to them, or if this act would completely immerse me, and block them out, and I wouldn't hear them again for weeks or months.

I made myself a promise, it was not to climb Mt. Everest, it was not to end world hunger, or stop war, it was not to be a great incredible wonderful person, it was not even to lose 10 pounds. Nothing of great act, or great sacrifice, nothing impossible, I made myself a promise that I would finish writing this story, that is it, that is all, simple, self-centric, that is what I have asked of me, that is what I have pledged to do.
and as that is all that I ask, all that I ask is, don't let me down.

well I do also ask, that I don't be a horrible person, and that I be a decent wife and mother. Speaking of which, my son has been here about 30 times while I wrote this, showing different lego pieces. He keeps adding and subtracting different hats, and weapons from this lego guy, and showing me each difference. Thank God, I am softer today, and not annoyed, I see that he needs me to be interested in what he is doing, and today I will make sure he feels I am, give him the attention he seeks.
I will have to set up some time for things, a schedule for summer, two hours a day, that is writing time, and we can all agree is not time for people interaction. My husband just came in snapping his fingers again and again and again on the back of my chair, until I asked him to stop, gave him a hug and asked him what he wants to do. Today I will try to be more malleable. I will surrender to family. Cheese keeps coming in now and showing me different Lego pieces and saying "Did they have this piece when you were a kid?". I don't enjoy responding "I don't think so". I feel like we are playing a game titled, Boy You are Old!.

I have to go, I can't even read this over, I can't read more than a sentence without family chatter, so I shall surrender now.

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