Monday, November 30, 2009

I'm still not done, and spent much of the last two days just typing up notes I found in different notebooks, trying to productively procrastinate, since I was sort of stuck since I couldn't find Dusky's/ Alesandro's back story. Anyway, 13 pages and 8,443 words later, some that will be helpful to story, stuff I forget to add, as well as plenty of stuff that wont be helpful because I went so far off in a different direction that I'm surprised to find out, originally I had imagined it differently. The good news is though, that while taking down these notes, I was of course also thinking, and I started a few lines about Alessandro, and those lines led to other lines that went on and on for over 2,000 words, and flowed out to form his back story.  SO I AM NO LONGER STUCK!!!! (and I believe I effectively explained why his final decision was the one it was, without having made him a total cad. Which was tricky he had to have behaved badly without having actually been bad.)
Okay so I still don't know 100% of all the pieces to the story yet, but I know most of it, certainly enough to keep me moving forward.  The only thing is, I wanted to finish the whole thing up today, and yeah, that just isn't going to happen.  I'm getting cross-eyed.  I am a bit worried though that now that NaNoWriMo is over, that I wont come back tomorrow and finish.  I have to keep going, have to keep going, have to keep going, till I reach...The End.
(and then after that, I have to go back, and do all the proper research, so stuff is...right.)

Sunday, November 29, 2009

I would expect to be in a good mood. I've gotten much farther than I ever thought I would.
But....I'm still not done, and having trouble here at the end. So I am actually pensive, hesitant and petulant. I've got 9 notebooks scattered around me, and none of them have Dusky's back story in them.
I did find some lines concerning him keeping his human memories, and of his feathers becoming darker, but I knew all that, the only other thing is a mention of his hat, apparently very fond of his hat (that I had forgotten). This is not helpful. I really need to know this bit, I remember writing it, it had to do with the women in his life, and it is imporant, because within it was the rationale for the decison he ultimately makes. Which is something I really really really need to know. And when I search my mind for the info, the cupboard is bare.
Search and research is no doubt the answer, look here, there, and everywhere, till I find it, again, or create something else of him/for him.  But over the last two days what I have discovered is how much time research takes, and that while it is definitely important (required), that it wipes me out (physically and emotionally, tired, headache, cranky. Feel like I've spent hours walking up and down the aisles of a huge warehouse, searching in endless boxes, for scrapes of paper hoping one will have written on it, just the piece of information that I need.) before I ever get to the page. So long term insight for me, I suppose this means, writing days, and researching days, are to be different days.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Well my word count is still holding steady at 49,966 clinging to the edge of spilling over into 50,000.
I've been working on the story but not on my word count.  I had written down some notes pertaining to the end of it, sometime during this past year, and it took me a while to find the notebook they were in.  And now I am on my third page of typing these notes up, and as I flip through the notebook looks like I have at least three more to go.  These notes will prove helpful in my finishing the story, (but I would like to hit 50,000 before using any of them, so as not to have gotten my total word count by anything other than the work I did/created within this month), and I am finding that since I have been writing so freely, moving in whatever direction presented itself, there are definitely changes, and I will need to rework any ideas that I use from the notebook, so that they work with the story I actually ended up writing, instead of with the one I thought I was going to write.

well I guess I am done writing for today, though I haven't progressed the story. I did over 4,000 of typing those notes, and still have two pages to go, but the heat from the lap top, and my writing cat (cat who insists on laying on my left arm while I try to type, even has his right paw on that part I scroll with) are making me feel nauseous. (plus he is twitching having some sort of dream, which feels weird. He was here yesterday as well, not twitching but snoring. Oh and when he was awake he spent some time licking my left hand while I was trying to type, which wouldn't have been so bad, if it hadn't been like repeatedly having sand paper dragged forcefully across the back of my hand, ouch!)

ugh, ugh, ugh, I just went through and skimmed my notes, figuring I would skip ahead to the info on Dusky, which is what I was looking for all along, that character's back story, well it isn't in this notebook, which means it could be in any notebook in the house, on some page tucked in among all the others filled with notes, and research for other stories, I don't think this one has it's own notebook yet, Ugh!

Friday, November 27, 2009

again i will say weird writing today, at 49, 893 I am just shy of the 50,000 mark, but I intentionally stopped short, I want to make sure I keep going till I hit the end of the story, so I want to leave full incentive for tomorrow's writing.  Today's writing was off because I got waylaid a bit with research on violets and cats in 17th c France.  And because I know what happens when I hit my next mark (10 year period reached) but I basically had a year, 6 months of yesterday's writing, and 6 months of today's, when I had no idea what would happen, and physically nothing much does. Quiet, so quiet. So I went through the year quickly with just a butterfly wisp of a landing here and there at each season. And even so, I wasn't expecting the little bit that did happen to happen, so I am feeling unsure about what I wrote. But then again I am sensing that which I added needs to be there for that which happens next, to happen the way it does. (still the men in this story have been ad-libbing quite a bit, not just behind my back, but boldly facing me, while I try to explain to them that isn't the way I feel the story goes right here, they don't mind me, they do just as they please, and leave me to jot down their actions. Whose story do I think this is anyway? I have been bumped from director to witness. I guess they resented my thinking of them as minor charactors so have flung themselves more fully on the stage.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

ugh, feel strange, just finished scene(s) I didn't know would be there, which I guess is sort of the point of NaNoWriMo, but I havn't been enjoying the surprises I've written. Usually I know where the story is going, and generally what is going to happen, but when i don't know what happens in a space, and then something I hadn't expected happens, rather than feeling, "wow that was cool the story has a life of its own." I'm feeling this time through like, I don't know what I am doing, or if I should be doing it. Is this scene a real scene, something that really does, should be happening, or is it, just the desperate reachings of a NaNoWriMo-er searching for words, any words?  Well, of course, I don't know, and I wont know till NaNo is over, and I have time to go back over it.  But what really is concerning me, is the tone of the thing, I hate sad stuff, and while the story is certainly romantic, what the heck is up with all the sad stuff happening? Freakin depressing fairytale.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

didn't quite make up my word count, from yesterday.  I didn't write at all yesterday, by the time I had time, it was 8pm, and I was having trouble staying awake.
Still I am pleased with the progress that I did make today, I am just finishing up now, which is way too late, but I was procrastinating getting into a scene which I didn't want to write. Even after I started writing today, I found plenty of words to stall with to keep me out of the scene, but I did eventually get there, and have written most of it.
Oh, and typing of which, I have decided that I best not make 50,000 my goal, but instead make getting to the end of the story my goal, otherwise, I might just throw all kinds of irrelevant scenes at the screen in order to keep myself from having to write the hard stuff, (whatever is painful, a.k.a sad, or makes me uncomfortable).
ugh, the research book I was reading yesterday (while my car was getting worked on), was sooo boring. Usually when I do research, I find it interesting, and inspiring, and these little light bulb sparks go off in my brain of ideas I can use, so many, like my  mind is a field of fireflies. But so far one little firefly and I can't think of that much I can do with one little firefly.

You know what I love, I love that progress bar thingy they have at NaNoWriMo, I have one too, but their's is more official, and makes me feel more accomplished when I put my numbers in, and hit update. It's like magic.

ut oh, husband just went up to bed and swore, seems washing all the bed linens is only appreciated by othes if you then, remake the bed. Guess I best put the sheets on the bed!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

8:30 pm on thursday.  Just barely made my word count. It has been a busy day with nothing happening at its usual time. I am glad though that I went to the far away library to get a book for research so hopefully I will find the time to read some of it tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

yesterday's writing made me uncomfortable, today's made me cry.  Surprising really, I knew yesterday or the day before that the pet would die, while main character was away, but today for some stupid reason i actually wrote the scene in, and my main character(Lily) was very upset, and I had the fun of finding myself crying over what upset her.  Well at least in doing so I found out for sure whether it was a cat or small dog, I was open to either, but her words where all for the loss of a cat, so that's that. Actually when she was talking about him, i saw him, some orange colored, tiger patterned being, not what I would have chosen. But now I doubt that I can change him. Hmm, I wonder if I will at least get to name him, she failed to mention his name.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

31,286.  When I started I only expected to greet 30,000 by the end of this month, so to have met that number already, I already consider the venture a success.  That said, today my words created a scene I am not at all sure I will keep in the story.  I was not comfortable when I wrote them, and I didn't do the scene well, but I knew I needed to write it, to get it out there, so I can look it over later and decide. I had intentionally skipped over it yesterday.  It's an "intimate" scene, and I'm just not sure I want that sort of thing in my stories.  I mean an allusion to, okey dokey, a kiss, an embrace, a fade to darkness, but this was a little too know. My other two stories are more young on the young adult scale, and so have none of that, this one is more teenage girl-ish.  I'm just not sure.  But whatever, this is NaNoWriMo, so I wont be spending any time tomorrow reading over it and fretting, instead, I'll move on, in a mad dash to the next scene, on and on, till I reach the end. Then and only then, will I go back, and in any real way, wonder about what the heck I've written.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

24,748  so tired, a long way past my bedtime.  My days have been too hectic for me lately, so that I've ended up having to exercise or write, at times when I normally would have been in bed.  Hopefully, that wont be the case tomorrow, or the next, or...   And now I am so tired, that it seems like so much effort to get ready for bed, almost too much of an effort.  I hate that, when I am so tired, that I end up getting less sleep because it seems like so much work to get up, and straighten things up, and go brush and floss, and take out my contacts and wash my face, and...
oh well, best get started with it already.

Friday, November 13, 2009

funny about yesterday's mention of missing sleep, last night was one of the weirdest attempts at trying to sleep ever.  I didn't exercise yet today, so I have to go do that now, otherwise I would tell my story of sleepless woe.
22,957 but that includes things like lines that go..maybe she will do such and such after such and such in the future or maybe she...(only of course the words written are filled in, not such and such). Which means I have questions, and different things I am considering adding but undecided on in it. Yep I have that stuff, typed in there right on the page, alongside the story, and I count it toward my word count.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

21,000 much harder working with hubby around, and running erands, and troubles with son's school work.  Didn't get to write yesterday, but tried to do that writing the day before, because I hoped to go to the local writer's meeting at Borders.  I made it. And I am really glad that I went.  But I am tired, missing out on sleep, and yesterday's workout never happened.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

19,262 is word count on laptop, but some of it is more notes than writing, details listed, not truly changed and worked in.  I'm not sure if I will have time to write tomorrow so I tried to do some of that today.  But it didn't flow well.  I needed to do some research and was having trouble finding it, and then the boy and the man that I live with kept interupting me to share really important stuff like, "hey did you know those snow blowers that I like cost $400 something."  me "yeah, that's great, super."  Why was he telling me that?  I guess because he wants one but can't see parting with the money.  But why yell it to me from in the next room when he knows I'm trying to write.  And my complaining about it, didn't deter him from other loud comments about TV, or just general observations about...nothing. And I do mean loud, as I had my ipod on to try and drown out any distracting sounds.  And when he finally relocated out of ear shot, the boy arrived.  So I did get some words in, and ones that do matter, but I wasn't able to feel into the story and really write.  I'm finding that researching while writing does help fill in details, but it definitely effects flow, and emotional energy.

Monday, November 9, 2009

16,785 for NaNo.  Husband has off this week.  And that is definitely making it harder to get my words down.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

My 13 year old son helped me work on my html on the right, so I could bring my NaNo project Fountain of Swans up to the top and record my progress.  He laughed at me when I complained about my inability to make breaks between lines. I said, "I keep hiting return and making spaces, but nothing changes!" He quickly typed in the correct code, with a sideways shake of his head.  I swear I could read his mind, "Ugh, parents, they are so stupid, couldn't survive without me. What can you do."  Whatever, I'll take the condescension as long as he fixes my blog.
done for the night, actually I thought I was done before, and am surprised I kept going. It feels odd to stop now, as I am in a place that makes me sad ( if I keep going will I write myself past/out of this emotion, or merely be walking deeper into it?).  I was not expecting this, some background character has stepped forward and made me care about him, by making the main character care about him, which I don't think will change what happens in the story, but does effect how I feel about it.  It is getting late though, and perhaps it is best to let things set with me over night, and come back to them tomorrow. Actually I wish I could set this feeling down until tomorrow, rather then keep it with me.

Friday, November 6, 2009

not sure about the scenes I'm writing, I write whatever dialogue appears no matter how bad, and I am as always unsure about how to handle the passage of time, and there are gaps, and no discriptive details for setting(s). But, still, I am pleased that I keep going. Going where, with what, I don't know, but hey I am doing, I am going, so there, there is that. I have that, whatever that is. And I am happy about it.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

7,850  Spent too much time at ortho with son, and then errands, wish I had written more.  Done for today now, it is almost 8pm on Thursday (aka I am going to watch TV).  I did manage to write notes, and pieces in my notebook while at ortho, so at least I have more stuff to add tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

5,800 not doing a lot but definitely doing.  And the words are new, so far I haven't used any from a previous try at Swans.
8:30 at 6,524
I wont work any more tonight, my mind needs time to turn off so I can sleep.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

4,779, Day 3 of NaNo, behind if I am going for the 50,000 goal, but I am going instead for 1,000 a day, so I feel fine with where I am.  Writing this is a lot different than the year before last when I did Echo.  This is much more just writing down whatever, sometimes just stating what will happen next, rather than discribing it, not even trying to. If I don't know, I vaguely suggest it, then move on.  My words are not at all well chosen, they are more merely thrown down.  Whatever comes, down it goes.  Nothing finished, nothing precious about it.  At best it will be an underpainting, maybe even just a primer.  There is dialogue in it, and all that, but with Echo, I knew more ahead of time, there was research and preparation, this time I still don't know my character's voices, who they are.  It feels so strange to just keep plowing forward without worrying about all the unknowns, or about getting it right.  I am writing badly, but freely, and today I must say even easily.  Because nothing I wrote needed to be qualified. When going for quantity rather than quality so far, it is easier to move things along.  And knowing I will have to rewrite it, and rework it all later, I'm finding appealing rather than making me feel like writing it this way lacks value. Writing this way means it is okay to get it wrong, okay to guess.  Later I will still have tons of questions I need to answer, I will still struggle over sentences, and the best way to say something, but while I am doing all that I will have some structure, a lot more than I had before this.  And I will have answered some of my questions.  So even if I stop NaNoWriMo tomorrow, I will have made some useful progress, moved myself farther along this story path.  And knowing that, I see no reason why I should stop tomorrow.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I didn't write anything yet today.  I did do some research which has resulted in my being even more confused about the time the story takes place then I was before.  Yeah!  Oh but I have narrowed it down to 1450-1850, like that's helpful.  I really need to do more research, but I also feel the pull to work on the word count, to force myself to write something, and to figure out the details later.  But I really do need to narrow it down to no more than a 100 year span.  Or else I don't wont know enough to write anything.  Ugh.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I can't seem to work the type out right.  Anyway, started NaNoWriMo today.  Not going so well, but whatever, I've started working on it, and that's um...something.  529 words, if it isn't too cold I'm going rollerblading for a few, to wake up my brain a bit. Then I will write some more. So far what I've got isn't anything interesting to read, no good opening paragraphs, more like I'm discovering information and writing it down, like I am introducing me to the characters in a rather straight forward uninspired way, but I must start somewhere and somehow, today, and leave making it better to the future. Or else I shall just spend the month staring a blank computer screen.
    Admittedly though I am still not good at editing.  Last year I also intended to work on writing A Fountain of Swans but spent the month attempting to edit Echo instead; something that I am still struggling with figuring out how to do right/well.  But this year, I figure maybe I can learn more from working on another story; maybe each one will teach me stuff I can then lend to making both of them better.  So here I begin a month of trying to write, what is pretty much a fairytale, A Fountain of Swans.  I doubt I will finish (meaning 50,000 NaNo mark).  I've got plenty of research that needs to be done, but I am commited to spending time every day with my but in a chair, researching, writing, and dreaming my way into this world, and it into mine.  Wish me luck, and wings.