Saturday, October 13, 2007

"be quiet, I can't taste my cookie"


otherwise known as- the darker side of Taffiny
I don't know why I am all with admiting I am crazy today (and a bit mean), but..
that quote is from me today, and it is something I do say to Bob and Cheese. Not all the time, but sometimes when I am eating dessert, especially if it is something really good and chocolately (so not those cookies, which were all we happen to have on- hand today). Because really if I listen to them, and picture what they are saying, and think and respond, then I really can not taste whatever I am eating. And Bob is usually just quoting talk radio, and Cheese is telling me the different prices of different Lego sets, and what they come with, and asking which one do I think is better.

Oh..I don't know, I find it so hard to do right by them. They seem to always want more, and I seem to want to give less. I was really surprised when I had my monster headache and went to bed early, that they kept coming in to talk to me. Cheese offered me a perpetual Lego parade (Does the Lego blaster look better with or without the little blue piece on it?), and Bob came in, kneeled on the floor beside the bed, rested his head on my legs, and told me about work, and about talk radio. I tried very hard to not look displeased but he said "I'll go in a couple of minutes" in such a way, that I knew that I must have.

It was either last night or night before (me memory not so good) I was taking a shower, and Cheese (he is 11) came into the bathroom, and drew a mural (spongebob with dragon tail, and flying corndogs et cetera) with the steam on the mirror, and talked and talked to me. And I felt bad, because part of me was thinking, "my God, not even in the shower, not even in the shower can I be alone", and another part of me was thinking "my God, they must need so much more from me than what I am giving them, to follow me around like this".

Oh if they were really truly talking to me, the way they do sometimes, then I would love to listen. But when it just seems like an endless verbal loop, Bob badmouthing liberals, and Cheese explaining all the little differences between Lego sets, and video game levels, then it grates on my nerves and bores me.
And I really don't know what to do.
Bob was reading to me, passages of a book he is reading, The Fountainhead. I have no problem with the book, but if I want to read a book, I will read it myself. And I told him I was glad he was enjoying it, but wasn't really interested in hearing passages, but he kept doing it, over and over again, so I said I was going to run errands, go to Barnes and Noble, and he said okay he would come too.
sigh sigh sigh.
so I sort of feel like a cold heartless bitch.
(Bob just got home, I can tell by the tone and words he always uses that he would prefer if I wasn't so into this blogging thing)
I am glad Bob and Cheese are in my life, but gee, I wish they would talk less, and about other stuff. Or that I would find it more joyful to give them what they want. That I could give my time and attention with love, and listen endlessly, without thinking "Oh-my-god are they done yet?"

4 comments:

Minx said...

Over time the ability to work both sides of the brain becomes a necessity. Talk, blog, write, chat and mail all at the same time.

Buy some headphones - they tend to ignore you if you have them on.

Taffiny said...

Minx,
Well now I can see how you manage to get a lot done. I do multi-task, mind you, but something always goes a bit wrong (oh, I've burned the food again), so I try not to do it when eating food is involved.

Headphones don't work. I like to wear my ipod while I do the dishes. I only try to do this when I see that the males are otherwise engaged in other activities. But somehow from all parts of the house, minutes later they appear. They are getting good at coming over and pushing the pause button on the device.

Amy said...

I had to giggle in a few places, out full understanding of it all, those contradictory feelings about wanting to give, happy they want to communicate so much with you, and so frustrated that you can't even get a blasted SHOWER in peace. I wouldn't dare say about what will happen with your husband, but when Cheese hits adolescense you will so miss those babblings and regular presence. And cherish the few minutes you get of conversation when you're alone togther in the car....well at least that's what happened with my daughters who are now 14 and 17.
Anyway, I know what you mean...I also knew what you meant about the birds taking flight an that emotion..it happens to me at other things, and my husband tries to get it but doesn't really either.
Hugs from Spain,
Amy
By the way, where are those hills ans tree scenes from?

Taffiny said...

Amy,
I am glad you understand, it makes me feel better. I know you are right, I should cherish this time with him. (I can't imagine a day when he wont live here with me. Or will be here, but wont talk to me at all! I am grateful, though on occasion a bit weary, that he talks to me now). I find it odd, that they don't talk nearly as much to each other (Bob, and Cheese) as they do to me.

I am glad too, that you understand about the birds.

The hills and trees, of Pennsylvania, USA.