I woke up to this
and it just keeps going.
sadly my mind is still sleeping, perhaps I will come back later, and put some words here.
I am not sleeping well. My half brother keeps calling, he wants to know where he can put us on his visiting schedule. He is a great guy who I care a lot about, however, I have been told by other family members (who are closer to him and know him better) not to have him over to my house, and to not even meet with him for lunch (suggesting my safety would be at risk). He has been recently diagnosed with schizophrenia ( I forget the exact version of it), and he has disorganized thinking, and is prone to anger, believing things that aren't true, et cetera, so one can't be sure what will happen minute to minute with him.
I was vague with him on the phone earlier this week, as I was surprised to realize he does not sound like himself, his inflections, his phrasing, sound different. And I was unclear at times what he was saying, and he got stuck in verbal, or idea, loops. Before this conversation I really didn't want to believe that anything was truly amiss. But he is, part of him is missing, and unless he agrees to go on meds (which he doesn't) I don't know if we will ever find him again.
Anyway he keeps calling, and I haven't been answering, which makes me feel really bad. He has always been so sweet (smart, friendly, outgoing), and he left a message yesterday saying how much he appreciates us. I do want to answer the phone and talk to him. The problem is how do I tell my brother, "no I can't meet with you. No you can't come visit" ? I'm fairly certain that telling him the truth, which is his mental illness is out of the question (would make him very very angry. Both with me and with the family members who he would know told me this). And I am really bad at making stuff up, and at being evasive to direct questions. I mean I have to find a way of saying, " I don't have any time for you, none at all, in the next month or two, no not even enough to meet you for lunch for an hour.". It sounds so cold, and of course untrue, how could anyone not spare an hour to meet with a family member over the course of a two month period? (unless they were gone away for two months, "Oh, I am so sorry going to Italy for the next two months. What? Oh, taking son out of school to go with. What? Oh, um er no, I don't think I can take you along")