Sunday, November 18, 2007

it is snowing

I woke up to this


and it just keeps going.

sadly my mind is still sleeping, perhaps I will come back later, and put some words here.

I am not sleeping well. My half brother keeps calling, he wants to know where he can put us on his visiting schedule. He is a great guy who I care a lot about, however, I have been told by other family members (who are closer to him and know him better) not to have him over to my house, and to not even meet with him for lunch (suggesting my safety would be at risk). He has been recently diagnosed with schizophrenia ( I forget the exact version of it), and he has disorganized thinking, and is prone to anger, believing things that aren't true, et cetera, so one can't be sure what will happen minute to minute with him.

I was vague with him on the phone earlier this week, as I was surprised to realize he does not sound like himself, his inflections, his phrasing, sound different. And I was unclear at times what he was saying, and he got stuck in verbal, or idea, loops. Before this conversation I really didn't want to believe that anything was truly amiss. But he is, part of him is missing, and unless he agrees to go on meds (which he doesn't) I don't know if we will ever find him again.

Anyway he keeps calling, and I haven't been answering, which makes me feel really bad. He has always been so sweet (smart, friendly, outgoing), and he left a message yesterday saying how much he appreciates us. I do want to answer the phone and talk to him. The problem is how do I tell my brother, "no I can't meet with you. No you can't come visit" ? I'm fairly certain that telling him the truth, which is his mental illness is out of the question (would make him very very angry. Both with me and with the family members who he would know told me this). And I am really bad at making stuff up, and at being evasive to direct questions. I mean I have to find a way of saying, " I don't have any time for you, none at all, in the next month or two, no not even enough to meet you for lunch for an hour.". It sounds so cold, and of course untrue, how could anyone not spare an hour to meet with a family member over the course of a two month period? (unless they were gone away for two months, "Oh, I am so sorry going to Italy for the next two months. What? Oh, taking son out of school to go with. What? Oh, um er no, I don't think I can take you along")

4 comments:

the individual voice said...

Very beautiful picture and very sad about your half-brother. Schizophrenia is such a terrible, terrible disease.

Taffiny said...

The Individual Voice,

Thanks.

And yes, it is.
Bob also has a half-brother with it. His brother happens to be in jail at present. We hope he will be put in some sort of (outside of jail) supervised setting, and will get "treatment". He is currently on meds, but honestly they don't seem to be helping.

It is difficult knowing the hard path ahead for my brother, and knowing there really isn't anything I can do. His parents have tried to get him help, but sadly the result has just been that he is angry with them, and thus more isolated. (and no longer at home).

Thanks for responding on such an unfun topic.

kyklops said...

I've had a couple of friends and one room-mate who were clinically schizophrenic. These were extremely smart, talented people. When they were on their meds they were great to be around, but when they were off them, they were plain scary. They all said that their meds made them very uncomfortable physically, so much so that they generally preferred not to take them.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have no idea about your half-brother's condition, but do you think he's so far out of it that meeting him at some neutral place (eg. a restaurant for lunch) would be out of the question? Maybe he just needs someone he can trust tell him to get back on his meds?
Again, I have no idea about the details, so please take what I'm saying as simply something to think about.
Good luck whatever happens.

Taffiny said...

Kyklops,

Thanks for your info.

I don't really know. I haven't seen him in years. We live many states away, and he has been in college. But at present he seems to be driving around all over, says he was just in Chicago (though no one knows for sure. As he just told my brother (my older 100% bio bro) he is in Ohio.)
I would like to meet him for lunch at some neutral place. My mom (no blood relation to him) even said I could invite him to thanksgiving at her house. It was his mom, my step-mother, who said, it would not be safe to meet with him at all, not even for lunch. And I can not imagine she would say that, about her own child, unless she seriously believes it to be true.

I don't think he has been on meds, yet, it has just been since this spring that any issues came up, and only since August that his family got a dx. He doesn't think anything is wrong, so he wont take medication, and is mad at anyone who suggests that he needs help.

Thanks for taking the time to respond Kyklops, and it is very good to know, that if in the future, he does decide to take his medication, that there is hope that he can get back the life he was going to have, or at least some semblance of it.