bad

Written 8PM Tuesday
bad bad bad bad mood, writing going horribly. 3,758 words, and not good ones either. Again spent most of earlier today in research, procrastination? I don't know. I did find a lovely thing out though, about the Perseid meteor shower in mid- August, which aligns with O-bon, and goes perfectly with a climax in story. (After climatic scene-Mikiyoshi wakes up at night in the grass, looks up and sees this beautiful meteor shower. Nice.) But that is not the actual writing, that is an idea, a notion, the actual writing sucks. I keep telling myself that, that is okay, but it doesn't feel okay. I feel like I suck and will always suck and it is all so pointless, why did I think I could ever do this anyway? Each and every little decision I make is a struggle. And the results are all stupid and boring, and trite, and.. Have I mentioned that I am in a bad bad mood? But at least I am not in a play. (oh good just made myself laugh).

What have I discovered today? I only know a couple of words and reuse them over and over again, over and over again, over and... in fact I may perhpas have observed that yesterday. I can not decide on a tense, thus go back and forth between present and past tense willy nilly. Also I am a metaphor whore. And I just noticed today that two of my three main characters have the same exact coloring. Koji, the mi-ke cat, and Sen and Gen (I think of them as one character, mostly her/Gen) the Douc Langur monkeys, are white, black and reddish orange. You would think I would have noticed this some time before (it is not like I started this project yesterday), so there, that is another echo tucked into the story. Plus you have the echo of 3's. You say "A cat, two monkeys and a Japanese man? What the heck are you writing?". Shit. I mean..A fairytale, of course. Though one for a woman in her thirties, namely me.

Oh I don't want to go back, no no no, don't make me go back to working on it, I don't know what the hell I am doing. I like it here, let me stay here and write swear words, and whine. And think about how ridiculous the whole story is... KOJI WANTS TO GO HOME. LET HIM GO HOME! You are mean, woman. You know saying that will upset me. Yes, I will make sure he gets home. I will make sure he gets home. I will take care of him, I will take him home.

Oh dear,
Cheese just came downstairs balling because he saw a commerical, and Burger King is no longer giving out Viva Pinata toys. I actually got the yellow pages out and called (as proof that I care, and support), and yeah now they are giving out The Sponge Bob. It was amazing that I actually was agreeing to take him for the toy every week in the first place (he got 4. That is how often we usually go in a whole year). But he is truly upset. Now Cheese is sitting practically on top of me on left side, and the cat is on my right arm as I type.

Okay they are gone, what was I doing? Giving self an odd bit of pep talk then going back to writing, oh yeah...I am coming Koji. The journey (writing of it) you are taking might suck but it will end well. Or be well that it ends.

I am off to bed now. 10:42, read over work, made me feel worse, but tomorrow I shall continue on truding through it. When I have reached the end, I think I will go back and start again at the beginning and write it without any notes.