Saturday, July 14, 2007

I wonder if you exist

Is that wrong? Is it wrong that I want you to exist even though I did not wait for you? Truth is, I lost faith early. No one I was ever interested in seemed interested in me. Even if such things as soulmates exist, I didn't think we would find each other. I didn't think I would find mine. I gave up the search, I married a good man I care about. Sometimes I think maybe he is the one after-all and I am just too stupid to realize it. I don't know, he is my partner at any rate. But still part of me can't help it, believing, hoping, in a romantic notion, that somewhere is a soul that sits so well with mine, fits so well with mine. A compatible sense of humor, a compatible being, laughter, a hand to hold (it all feeling right). Someone I am not afraid to tell my stories to. Someone I want to listen to. Eyes I don't want to look away from, I want to look deeper into. Eyes I want to look into mine.
I wonder if you waited, if you still look, and search, or if you too found a life to create without this element. A good life, just not the dream one falls in love with, around age 14. She will not grow up though, that 14 year old girl, no matter how I try, I can not pull her away from the window of wistful wishes, where she looks out, at blue skies and white clouds, or dark night and starlight, and forever dreams. Of you.


Vesper said...

You’re not wrong to dream. In fact, you have to. What would happen to us if we had to limit ourselves to this, rather dull, reality? There are dreams, like this one, that our souls absolutely need. The hope will keep you going. I know it keeps me…

Taffiny said...

I suppose you are right. I wouldn't dream so, if part of me didn't need to.
I guess, because I am married, to a man that I do love, (just not in that way, and not with that sort of connection) I feel guilty that part of me longs for something else. That part of my energy, part of me, is off somewhere else, living a different life. But then again, that is my way, even if I could give up on this sort of dream, I would still be off somewhere else in my head, with other types of stories and daydreams.

My husband actually got jealous over a story I was half heartedly working on once, over a character who was a toad. He kept insisting that the toad was gay. I'm like "it's a toad!" (like you know, what do I care). Yes the toad was the love interest of the main character (or vice versa), but they weren't to ever be together. As she was a young woman, and he was toad, in her window well (house is in NJ). He watched her painting in the basement, attracted, by the light, and the music, he would chirp (she noticed him, thought it cute) (she would stop for a moment walk over, talk to him and sometimes put her hand up to the glass). (by the way-we did have such a toad). Anyway, through out the course of the story you realize, as he does, as he remembers starting with a song he hears through the window, that triggers a memory of his father, that he was once human (he is reincarnated), he died in the past year, of a drug over-dose in New York. And also through the painting, the brush stokes make him feel odd, something familiar (he was an artist).
Long story short, it goes on and her life moves on, and you discover the point in time when they would have met (it was in either Arizona or New Mexico), had he made another choice. Her life goes on (though of course she can never be with him now, and the idea is that he would have been her perfect other half (he does fall in love with her, as he watches her every night through the window, seeing her paint, sing, cry-her grandmother she lives with is dying and does die,if only he had human arms to wrap around her and comfort her with.) If he could have pulled himself together, they would have been together. But she will be okay (a vast life still stands ahead of her). He on the other hand is left, a toad in a window well. And does he continue to remember who he was (and her), or does he forget and just become a regular toad? And which is better, to remember (and feel the pain), or to forget?

goodness (sorry) I went on forever. You can see why I never bothered to finish it. But anyway how odd that my husband was jealous of this toad, or this story, or whatever. I don't share plot-lines with him anymore (that was about 7 years ago), or tell him too much about a character, and thus he is much more supportive. I learned my lesson.

As you have already pointed out, I should be using the time I just spent writing all of this, to work on the story I am (trying to write) writing.

Vesper said...

Taffiny, I enjoyed reading this very, very much. Thank you for sharing it. I think it's a beautiful story, some sort of a Frog Prince without the happy ending. I can feel your longing, even when you write just this summary. I would like to read the whole story.
I've also learned the lesson and most of the time keep my thoughts to myself.

Taffiny said...

It is sad isn't it though? You want to be able to share ideas, and stories that are filling you, with those around you, yet it (to put it gently) doesn't go well.
I am sorry you too have had this experience.

Thank you so much for being kind (well more than kind) about my summary/story idea. I am sure you know, just how much that means. Thank you, thank you, thank you.