Thursday, January 24, 2008


I'm a little bit nervous about going to sleep.

Last night that lovely hallucination thingy happened again. I wasn't on my left side, so I was following my personal rules to try and prevent this from occurring. Instead of standing leaning over my bed, the image, male, in pale almost white tones, was right in front/above me. No farther away then 10 inches. Scared the H out of me. It actually felt like a big rubber band had been snapped against my chest/heart. I don't know if the pain was part of the hallucination or caused by my fear. I sat in bed, thinking my God, that saying 'scared to death' might be true, as I tried to catch my breath, and my heart pounded away. I am nervous and annoyed over it. I don't have a strategy to prevent this one. I hope this type doesn't become a repeater. I am not, of course a child, I am not afraid of the image itself, not now anyway, not the fully awake me, but I am afraid of the impression that any such image will make on a half asleep me. I am afraid of the fear itself. In dreams, sometimes you think "oh this is a dream", but more often, most often, no matter what happens, how off the wall, you just sort of go with it and accept it as true, while you are there, you live in that world, and respond as though it were real.

As if to try and make up for that episode early last night, the universe, or my subconscious/unconscious, gave me a nice guest star to my early morning dreams, Anderson Cooper. I never managed to pull his image into my dreams before, even when I used to have a mad crush on him, so it was nice to see him. Circumstances were a bit pathetic though. Anyway, long story short, Anderson was sitting on the floor, and I came up and sat behind him, somehow managing to offer myself up, as a makeshift reclining chair/cushion. I didn't think he would go for this, but he didn't care/mind. There was no more interaction than if I had been an actual chair (no eye contact, no words), but um...apparently that was enough to please me. To be clear, in my real life, I don't go around offering myself up as a chair to people, no matter who they are....well...when my son was little I certainly at times functioned as such for him....and of course there is the cat, who clearly feels that besides feeding him, this is a required function of all people in the house, to be a heated cushion/sofa/bed for him, but I mean other than that.

Even though, sad to admit, that was the best dream I ever had about any crush. Still if the hallucination thingy is the price I have to pay, then forget it. Andy can find and use an actual chair, or sit on the floor sans support for his back.

okay now I am really really really tired. And also a bit embarrassed which should help keep fear at bay.

goodnight

by the bye,
doodle very bad I know, but I think that is funny

4 comments:

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

Instead of trying to prevent it, why not welcome it, ask who it is and what it wants.

As for fear, when faced, it always shrivels up into a tiny and rather sad and frightened little thing, leaving one wondering what one was so scared about.

Love and hugs

Taffiny said...

Vanilla,

I hear you, and that sounds very reasonable and rational, but I have found (so far) that there is something about this particular state, not really dreaming, not fully wake, which makes your suggestion really hard for me to do. I do better when fully awake, or fully dreaming, with asking, why is this happening and who are you. But in this inbetween state, I seem all emotion and reaction, no thought just "bam!" the image hits me, I go "AAhhh!" then it is over. I will try though, as trying to do your strategy is much better than having none at all.
I hope you are right. I suppose the fact that I don't know so, means I rarely face my fears.

Love and light.

Vesper said...

Very scary. Makes me think of an incubus... The feeling of not having any control must also be very frightening.

Taffiny said...

Vesper,

Does scare me a lot, but don't say incubus, that is even scarier. Plus I do have some control, enough so that I can scare myself fully awake! :)