Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I have to remind myself


over and over
to just be where I am.
I keep starting, but then jumping away from the writing.
I am a bit stuck, I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how I am going to do this part.
It is odd, as I have the boards, which form a vague sort of outline, I know the points that need to be touched upon, I know what will happen, but still I don't know how I will get there, from here, and here. How will they all be woven together? How, where, when, does each strand get woven in to create the whole? I keep freaking out, running away from the words, away from the story.

I have to keep reminding myself, I only need to see this moment. Be in the present moment in the story, and describe it, and walk through it, and then when I get to the next one, do the next one. I can't keep going on unnerving myself by wondering about several steps ahead, or a page ahead or even a paragraph ahead of where I am. I need to be calm and centered, and center on just this one piece, and move from piece to piece, strand to strand, stepping stones, through, across the story. After I am done the rough draft I can go back, I can move words, and ideas, and weave better, now I just need to move, from one moment to the next. I only need to hold one strand at a time. I only need to see the moment I am in.

I only need to see the moment I am in.

"Do you know where Mikiyoshi is right now? Do you know what he is doing?"

"yes"

"Go there.
All I ask of you is to go there,
sit with him,
feel those keys in your hands.
Can you do that?"

"of course. I was there earlier today.
Before I fled."

"Go back sit beside him. Perhaps you need to wait, to sit still and listen. To wait like you always keep him waiting. To hear his breathing, as he kneels bent on the floor.
The candle is lit, the offering is made, you both wish to turn the key in the lock. All you have to do is keep your eyes open"

5 comments:

Amy said...

Taffiny, You go and move, and take physical steps and stepping stones, and move. I read just yesterday that a study shows that creativity increases after burts of physical exercise. Don't be hard on yourself. Go for a walk, skip like a little girl, run a race with cheese, forget it while YOU move and jump and skip. Then see what's ther...just an idea

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

You are spot on - you just need to be in the moment of the story. The story will guide you as you honour it by writing down one word at a time and before you know it, you will have completed a paragraph, a page, a chapter... a novel.

Paul said...

I really liked that picture.

As far as your writing problems, I would give you advice but I think I suffer from similar afflictions.

Paul (strugglingwriter)

Vesper said...

Taffy, it's unbelievable how similar we are - I do the same things and I realise I'm doing them just the way you realise it. I guess I don't have enough patience to just deal with one particular moment in my stories. (or do I suffer of some sort of attention deficit disorder?!) :-)

I can't write because of that.

I'm writing a few words or a few sentences, then I jump to another moment , maybe even at the end of the story, then come back. I know what I should and just can't...

Good luck! I hope you can overcome this!

Taffiny said...

Amy,

Having recently had a bad experience with standing on a scale, jaw dropping disbelief, I think I must really take up your idea to get moving.

Plus the idea sounds right, sometimes when I used to exercise, I would keep having to get off the treadmill to write story stuff down.



Vanilla,

Thanks. One word at a time. It might take me a mightly long time, but at least I will be moving toward something. And if I can get past the fear thing, I think the words that are huddling together just out of sight, will come over to greet me. I like your idea of honouring the story, one word at a time.


Paul,

Thanks.
I'm sorry but for some reason "I think I suffer from similar afflictions" made me smile.
Bit like some sort of illness. :)


Vesper,

I have done that, and tend to do that when going about my day, half thinking about writing. I will be surprised that 3 different ideas, sentences connecting to three different parts of the story, will come within minutes of each other (then of course I get nothing for weeks).

I am not having that so much with the rough draft, ( I do feell called to do it, but I usually manage to tamp it down, or just jot something quickly down, and then go back to where I was) right now my trouble is more like, someone who is afraid to go on a blind date, and when she does agree to go on one, has trouble focusing on the moment (really seeing the guy, hearing him, and even tasting the food), because she keeps thinking "but what if I like this guy, what if we fall in love, what if we get married? I don't know what I am doing. We can't do that. I can't do this. I can't afford to have kids". I keep worrying several steps ahead of where I actually am at. About what is around the corner, and how unprepared I am for it, so much so, that I have trouble seeing, and writing, the scene I am currently in.

Jumping around a lot, probably isn't ideal for finishing the current scene one is on, but I have told myself it is okay, because, as long as ideas are coming, and one is working on the story, then it is progress, and I also tell myself that this increases connections in the story, making past, present, and future, more interrelated.
Now this may or may not be true, but that is what I tell myself. And anyway jumping around is better than being stuck.