Friday, March 30, 2007

Well the DH woke up chatty as usual

I woke up in a daze, I got out of bed the way people get into a pool of really cold water, one little bitty bit at a time (except for you nutty people who just jump right in). First I made sure my eyes were open, I did that for awhile. Then I turned on the TV, to mtv/vh1, and propped my head up on the pillow, approx. 7 minutes. Then I propped my back up against the head board, another 7 minutes, then I sat up, legs criss cross style (that is what they are calling it now, right?) in the center of the bed, another 7 minutes, then I looked at the clock, thought "oh sh*t!", and tossed one leg over board, so the whole body would have to follow. My Husband talked during all of this (couldn't hear the lyrics), but it didn't bother me today, and we were together till 12 and he talked plenty. But he wasn't giving me all this attitude and tone, and he was telling me more what he thought, rather than just doing a rebroadcast of what he had heard on Fox and talk radio. Plus he talked about silly stuff sometimes, and was funny about serious stuff others, so it worked out.

I remember when he first started listening to talk radio, it was when Howard Stern went to serious. And my husband needed some way to entertain himself on the way to work (why can't he just listen to music and daydream, like I do?). It drove me nuts. He would call me from his car to tell me what he had just heard, brimming with all this tone, and in your face attitude towards liberals, et cetera. Same thing would happen at night. I'm so tired I am just slipping into bed, and this rant is going on, like little bombs exploding all around me. I feel like I am being yelled at. I try to deactivate them/him. But on and on, it goes, and when I finally just start saying enough I can't take it anymore, he gets all upset, "you are so mean". I told him to get a newspaper column if he feels the need to rant on and on. (He can get a blog and type type type away, more power to ya baby). But he wouldn't stop, oh the sarcasm, I felt like a was wading through rivers of this gloppy dark stuff, it was slow going, and it was wearing me down, there was no pure air left for me to breath, he sucked it all in, and then poured it back out again, tainted and heavy, something that filled my lungs with weight. I started getting worried, it started to feel like a deal breaker, I didn't want to go and on like this. I didn't think I could.

This wasn't the man I had married, all this politics, and news, and so much attitude, derivative attitude, you're all so stupid ha ha. But I kept thinking about it, and asking myself quesitons, what is really happening here? what is really upsetting me? why does he seem so different to me? And I realized, he was/is growing (not necessarily in a way I would have picked, but) he is finding out who he is, what he is about, he is exploring the world, and interested in it, in different ways than he was when we were young. Don't I like to explore, to be free to find other aspects of myself, and other interests, and how would I feel if he wasn't open to me, finding new paths for myself in this world, physical ones, and ones of thought? And so more open to respecting his journey, I listened to him more, and realized something, most of what he was saying didn't bother me, it wasn't his opinions or ideas that I couldn't stand, it was the delivery, the attitude. And now that I have told him that a few thousand times, most of the time he is much better, he tells me the story, but without the mocking tone. I have been forced to listen to talk radio with him in the car, and it isn't so bad, because it does have humor to it, and like I said it isn't the ideas I had a problem with. I think most people want the same things, for themselves, and for others, it is just a difference of how we/they think that would best be accomplished.

My Husband does have some views that I find troubling, but we don't have to agree on everything, he is him, and I am me, and that is fine. And it is not at all a deal breaker. My journey partner and I, have both a joint journey, and our individual ones.

I do wish he wouldn't be so inclined to tell me things he has heard verbatim. I mean if I wanted to watch that news program, or listen to that talk radio show, or read that book, I would, I don't because I don't want to, so he really doesn't need to rebroadcast it, in its entirety for me; just pick out some highlights, tell me some funny parts, give me the general idea, fine.

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