better

I guess getting the book at the library, and the threat of the elimination diet was enough in and of itself to make the pain go away. After reading symptom lists, there is a lot of stuff I don't have, doesn't seem to fit any illness, and no gerd or heartburn, and D is a frequent symptom on lists, which is something that I do not have. So, I don't know what is left, certain food intolerances it could still be, and I can't say for sure that it coudn't be an ulcer, but it seems unlikely ( I think the pain would then always be in the same area, and feel the same, and crackers wouldn't cause pain, and then I think tomato sauce would). So I am going with, sometimes certain foods or patterns of eating don't sit well with me (that is my official Dx). If I have ongoing troubles I will have to do the stupid elimination diet (which oddly enough has avocados, spinach, and asparagus on it. Things I'm suddenly eating a lot of). I would wait till after Easter, if I did do it. Ugh, after reading about it, I don't like the whole concept, it is about the body having trouble with foods it eats frequently, thus if one has a tendency toward intolerances one would be at risk for developing an intolerance with any food he/she eats often. Which means that if I eat lots of this pasta sauce, and avocados, etc., then I will be likely to develop problems with these foods too, ugh that wont do at all, that is how I eat, I get in grooves, and eat the same thing week after week for months, till I am good and sick of it, then I have to find other things to eat, and I eat them till I get sick of them. Speaking of which it is hard giving up the morning fuji apple (though I am sick of them, thus they don't taste as good anymore), I sitll haven't found a good replacement, right now I am trying strawberries, but they aren't in season (is anything?), I don't like sour or tart tastes, so I have to cut them up and add sugar.

I did eat lunch with my Mom, less than I usually would have, overall it went pretty well. I have a strategy now, call it fruit/veg mush base. I've been starting out with a fruit breaksfast for awhile now. I thought this was choice, and maybe it used to be, but now I am unable to eat a carb for breakfast, that much I did figure out, it actually hurts. I can add some to the veg mush base and it is fine, though I guess I should call it fruit mush instead because I am talking about tomato sauces or avocados, with then veg added. The Indian pre-packaged meal things, seem to be working pretty well, tried them because they fit into this concept. So it is all good, I'm just going to have to keep looking for ways to expand it, so I'm not repeating within the week. Oh, and I can't eat too many different types of stuff, I can't do one of these, and one of those, and a bite of this that and the other thing, at any given meal.

The one thing which is still a downer which may or may not resolve itself, is that I am afraid of certain food (s). We have some flavored "natural" potato chips, I can't eat them, I'm scared. I tried one, they taste ok, kind of weird, but not bad (mind you, I haven't had them in about 8 months, but I used to really like them), and now I actually feel fear when I try to (do they taste different, or am I tasteing fear?). And if they would end up bringing back the pain, they certainly don't taste good enough for me to be ok with that. A slice of "healthy" pizza, now makes me nervous, should I eat it, shouldn't I eat it, is there something in it that will burn, or stab, or during the night make me feel like I might throw-up so I wont be able to sleep at all? Sure, I have been stressed over food choices before in my life, but it was about idelology, those kinds of shoulds and shouldn'ts, and I finally decided it was stupid, the stress of worrying about this and that, all these rules, probably being worse than consuming whatever it was, would be. So I decided to worry less and enjoy more, try and seek balance. I made friends with dairy again, and decided that yes I could eat a cheeseburger ( about once a month, a little more in summer), and dessert (frequently). And now (about 2 yrs later) here I am back at food fear. Only this time the fear isn't because of an external belief but internal grief. Or at least that is how it seems, but what if it is somehow all psychosomatic, what if I am doing this to me, what the heck would it be about, and if so, seriously could it just stop happening, because I am so not in the mood to go evaluating the heck out of everything. Besides I doubt I could figure it out anyway. I'll stick with my new strategy for now, because it is working. And maybe it is just my body, maybe it missed eating the veg, maybe I am low on some vit or mineral or something, and it is just forcing me to make other choices for awhile. I'm trying not to stress-out over it, just taste it, if tastes good, I eat it, if not, I don't. But when it tastes just alright, then I'm not sure what to do. Oh which brings us to a bit of grossness, if I taste it and it tastes bad I spit it out, much like a child would, only more descreetly into a napkin. Such was the fate of a bite of chicken at lunch, and a bit of egg at dinner yesterday, yuk, disgusting, trash.

by the by, You would think I would have lost weight right? Ha, no not really, about two pounds but that is because I started exercising again, and I get to see my weight go right back up again any day I don't. I seem to be packing in the calories just the same. Yep, it is a very thick, veg/fruit base, with plenty of fat in it. You would think I would be afraid of nuts, but I've been getting hungry for peanut butter, and have had no troubles with it (except for caloric ones). I am afraid of cheese though, no idea why,(I have always loved cheese, even when avoiding it, I never would have denied my love) but it doesn't appeal to me right now (thinking about it makes me feel queasy), and if I take a bite "no, don't eat it" everything seems to say. weird. whatever.