Sunday, September 2, 2007

waiting still

drifting, drifting, awaiting winds shifting, mood lifting.
why am I waiting?
I feel left behind, I feel forever still, when the world goes on and on without me
why do I always wait, forever hesitate? Someday I know, it will be too late
still, I am still, even knowing this still I wait,
waiting for a shift of wind, before I shall begin

The last true summer sunday,
how did I savour it? Yard work, laundry, organizing son's clothes, bagging up all the too small clothes, getting ready for back to school. (oh and some really bad food). I will vacuum, or walk after I blog.

The stillness is rattling me, I feel like shaking myself "wake up" time flys by so fast, this summer didn't last, how quickly it came to pass. I like to linger, to walk slow, to touch to taste, to feel as I go.

but what will I ever do, ever become, am I happy to merely be, is that all I ask of me?

Labor day, for me, is like New Years Eve, it is a time beset (encrusted, each one a strange jewel, not harassed) with resolutions, new beginnings, a time I engage in new plans, and new visions for myself, back to school, pencils sharpened, notebooks blank ready to be filled, I come smearing off the old half written words, and chalk dust, and write new assignments, begin or re-begin quests. Who am I, how do I want to be in the world? I take up the question again, the journey I attend with purpose.

But today doesn't feel like a beginning, it feels like an end. The last true summer sunday (once school starts it doesn't matter that seasonally it is still summer, it doesn't feel like it anymore, it isn't true summer anymore. By next Sunday I will hear the forever clicking, tic toc ticking of a clock). Today I feel like I have sucked my breath in and am holding it, a pause.

so much I see undone, still undone. And I am moving so slowly, as if I had forever, how sometimes I wish I had forever, for it will take me so long to get wherever it is I am heading. I am so taken with the vista, so unsure of what direction is best, which path to take, and every passing cloud is worthy of watching.

The cat and I sit here, we look out the window, noticing the small flying insects among the flowers, and the tilting of the sun (like it is falling away, beginning a journey of leaving us for a time, though in truth it is us who are turning away) . And this voice in my head says "hurry, hurry". But I am still. The cat tucks his head down to sleep. I feel so many things undone, and all I will soon have to do, crowding around me, anxious flailing. And still I sit here, watching the leaves of the weeping cherry lightly swaying in the gentle breeze, sunlight shinning through them, shadows interwoven.

A Corinne Bailey Rae song on repeat. Cheese watcing cartoons and scampering around in the kitchen, begging me to rent him a video game; saying he needs a training dummy to beat up. It is time to switch the wash and put other linens in.
So much to do, so much needs to be done, I can sense it rushing toward me as words, as ideas, but I do not feel it.
I am knowing it and still, I sit here still.
Still, I sit here still.


Vesper said...

Good things come with all the seasons, Taffiny. Sometimes it is good just to sit still, to be, to be alive...
I enjoyed your poem in prose very much, recognizing in it a mood I often share.

Amy Young said...

Perhaps that is why we are always at one another's blogs, we feel like soul sisters via ezach other's content. I felt as though I were reading my own past journal entry, same struggles, same worries, same chores, same stillness. You said it beautifully. Just don't be hard on yourself. Vesper is right, we need to just be still in our over-tasked world. It is good for our body( reduces stress level), good for our mind, good for our soul.

Happy New Year! I always feel like that too when school starts, even though I'm not in school anymore. But my daughter's returning - return to me my days to get my things done and pursue my new objectives and resolutions. Lets have a champagne the New Year..CHEERS, Amy

Taffiny said...

Thank you Vesper.
It is good to know that others feel the same way, at times, that you, and Amy, know what I am talking about (writing about).

Happy New Year Amy!
I actually do better with the goals I set/start in September than the ones I do in January.

I am now happy that I was so still on Sunday, despite feeling that I should have been doing more; because now I am back on the wheel (back on the clock), and forced to be doing more.

I wish I could weave the stillness feeling, and calmness through the doing things action, but it is more like they take turns.

Thank you Jesper and Amy for your comments.

mutleythedog said...

Moving through changes is human is it not?

Taffiny said...

but what about not moving through changes?