Friday, September 21, 2007
John steinbeck wrote
"I'm scared, but I think that is healthy. It is perfectly natural that I should have a freezing humility considering the size of the job to do and the fact that I have to do it all alone. There is no one to help me from now on. This is the wriitng job, the loneliest work in the world. And I am now going into the darkneness of my own mind."
I like this. I would expect that I wouldn't, that it would inspire fear more than confidence. But I find it wholely encouraging. (never mind that wholely may or may not be a word, I didn't want for fully or completely)
Because- besides the time I waste being scared, I spend a good deal of time feeling like a stupid sissy for being scared.
And nothing good comes from these additional feelings of harassment.
It is much better, much easier on my mind, to say, "You are scared? Well of course you are dear. Who wouldn't be? Everyone is, it is a BIG job you know, and you do have to do it ALL ALONE. But that simply is the way it is, and the way it is done by everyone, so that is no reason for not pressing on.".
Which is a much better way of looking at it rather than assuming, that feeling that way means I am not up to the task, to the challenge (the way I often do).
I have been busy in the yard, but I find there is no way I wont be done today (matt and mulch around the tree, plant other package of tulips, plant ivy, possibly move two roses from back bank to side bed. To move or not move the peach irises?), and anyway,( it doesn't even matter) today must be the cut-off.
It is time.
Time to return to the notebooks, type them up, (which lord knows could take me all of next week), and then start the truly hard part, THE BIG JOB
And I am not a sissy to be scared of it. It is a big job, the story I wish to tell, and hope to tell well.
And though I am alone in the writing, I am not alone in the fear, and despite that feeling others have made this journey (great writers, bad writers, unknown writers), and do so, over and over, and in their courage, I can take courage too, for I wish to make this journey.
I need to make this journey.
In the end, I know that will matter to me more than how the story turns out, the knowing, that I did it, I started at the beginning, and kept going, through clear sunny days, through days of blistering heat, through rain, through wind, (snow?), come what may, to know that I saw it through to the end.
Now I must go finish the yard, which I would no doubt be done with, if I hadn't been seduced away yesterday by our Barnes and Noble, which is moving (to a bigger store) and thus has piles of books at 40% off. Oh but not The timetables of history. But still enough stuff to interest me. And inspire me to part with some of my money.