update to posts

My third year of trying to grow morning glories, and as of Sept, they are here!!!!!
Usually the voles, and what not eat the seedlings. And even when earlier this year I would see a vine, it would just die in a day or two, but now here they are. I am so surprised, and so happy to see them.


Oprah made sure I cried and properly remembered on 9/11.

The soup? It is bad. I don't know why it is, but I will have to toss it out. My only regret is that I added more stuff to it in an attempt at making it more edible, which just made more food inedible.

The stuffed peppers? They are pretty good. I like the stuffing better unstuffed, so next time I wont bother with the peppers. Filling- diced tomatoes, paste, zuc, mush, red onion, garlic, spices, et cetera. I am very happy with this, because I didn't know how to make anything like it, so this adds something new I will be able to tweek and do other things with.

In defense of my cooking abilities, I did take some of the (white meat) turkey meatball mixture, I was preparing the other day, and without any recipe, added spinach, ricotta, feta, more fresh bread crumbs, basil, spices to it, and they actually turned out good. Bob even ate them over the other meatballs. It was shocking. ( It will most likely be nasty next time when I try to recreate it. But it was a pleasant whim that worked out, at least once)

While I was cooking yesterday, with my ipod on to steady my nerves (same thing I do while writing), I figured out why I was so nervous. I tend to freak out when I don't know what I am doing. (which sadly seems very often). Like when cooking the onions in the butter (for soup)- was I supposed to be browning them, or taking care not to? "These mushrooms don't look like the ones in the picture? The recipe didn't specify! Are those portabellas? How long do I blanch these? Am I cutting these right? Am I supposed to peel the zuc or just dice it with skin?" When I don't know, I get all anxious. I totally messed up in my attempt at crushing the garlic (looks easy when they do it on tv) (but I did finally manage to convince myself it didn't matter, as I sighed, tossed it in and hoped for the best).

Not knowing what I am doing, or how it is to be done, rattles me. Even with the (gardening/yard work) matting, tacking it down, "How do I do this? Should I cut it this way or that? Is this how I am supposed to be tacking it down?". I tell myself to just keep going, get the job done, that ultimately it doesn't matter. A general idea of what I am doing is good enough. But it really does stress me out. I hear myself sighing and feeling clueless. And tense.
Oh well.
It is rather pathetic ( I hate that word), I know, but I don't know how to not be this way. And it makes perfectly reasonable activites, seem intense and tiring. I wonder how I undo this? How can I get myself to look at things differently? Not worry over things that don't matter. Not stress over inconsequential things. Not feel all this pointless stress and pressure.
I know the feeling is unreasonable. But knowing that doesn't make it disappear. Just makes me feel like an idiot for feeling nervous, which makes me feel like a nervous idiot.

The yard is calling. No rain today, just wind. I miss going to visit other people's blogs, I am way behind. But I need to finish up the matting this week. (and have "conversations" with Bob over the fact that we need to buy more dirt)

Maybe this is just how I am, making it is the counter-balance to being so excited over little things like the morning glories blooming.