Thursday, September 6, 2007

Thinking about

my half brother D. And my Nana (his grandmother, who died in 2000).
It is whipser down the alley, and I am at the end of the line.
From Step-mother, to Brother, to Sister-in-law, to me.
I guess D has some sort of mental illness. He is in his early 20's.
First whisper came to me in June, then August through now, quite busily whispering.
(step M, and Dad, and two half bros, live several states away, so we hardly ever see each other)
Sometimes in the past it has seemed to me, like my step- mother was exaggerating things (in some ways this is fair of me, and in some it is not. I am certainly not alone in this assessment) , so I am not truly sure of the degree of illness in this situation.
I feel like I should do something, but what does one actually do? He has been released from hospital and is staying with a friend. I should call them. I could talk to my Dad (though truth is mentally he isn't all there, he takes to remembering the distant past, and isn't so keen on the present, or the last 20 years). I do find him pleasant to talk to though, so much better than he was before. He is born again, and every chat used to feel like church, with the whole world being evil, including me, and his only interest saving us all. But now he listens when I talk, now that he won't be able to remember what I said, now he listens. Now we really talk to each other. It makes me feel bad that I prefer him this way, wrong, but...
Anyway, this had started before the last time I called and talked to them, and they sounded great, cheerful then.
I wonder if they will tell me about it, or if for some reason I am not to be told?
I wonder if they think that I know?
I was thinking about my Nana this morning, about how upset this would all make her (she would want me to call, to fling myself into it, but I am hesitating, hanging back, waiting to see how things settle. Waiting to see if someone calls to tell me, and if not, to wonder why not. To protect me? That is outrageously unlikely, but still it is my favorite theory.
I pictured Nana for a moment up in heaven (or whatever realm, or energy, it is that we next become part of), and of her looking down all anxious, and then I remembered what she said one day when we discussed it. She wont be looking down. She doesn't want to watch us. "That wouldn't be heaven, looking down seeing all kinds of things going on, and being powerless to do anything to help anyone. That wouldn't be peace. That wouldn't be heaven". So maybe I shouldn't worry about her, for she isn't watching over us, on pins and needles, seeing how things go. She is with Pop, and her daughters, walking with her brothers and sisters, and friends, through the skies of other views.
But still, I am here. And I do see, very unclearly, what goes on. I feel unsettled, but I have no wish to be more stirred. I shall have to call, I know I will, stating nothing more than "Hi", and see where they wish to go from there.

I guess I don't want to call, I wish to protect myself from drama, especially if I wont know what is real, and what is expanded.

And on another selfish note- I worry more now for my son. Bob has a brother with schizophrenia, and now it seems I may as well (they are both our half-brothers but still,) doesn't this increase the likelyhood for a child of ours to have a mental illness? And of course you could also factor in whatever it is that is wrong with my dad, plus a slew of Bob's relatives. Cheese is my only child and I love him more than I love anyone else. I can't know what the future holds, and even if I knew it would happen I couldn't prevent it. I wont spend much time worrying about this (too many other things to worry about), as that wont help anyone, or anything, but I can't deny it is passing through my mind.

(I do wish to add, I feel bad for my Step-mother, the situation has to be emotionally hard. )


Vesper said...

Taffiny, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going as smoothly as you'd like in your family. If you can, don't worry too much about things that you cannot control and try to see the good parts.

Taffiny said...

Thanks. I do (try not to worry, and to see the good parts).
The upside of the downside is, it helps me to realize the preciousness and precariousness of our lives.

Today is good, for my family of three (plus cat).