Thursday, May 10, 2007


perhaps just a bit of debris floating downstream caught up in the current, one has because of being.
Or is there some sort of meaning to it?

I keep hearing. "Not waving, but drowning". Or sometimes just, "Not waving, drowning". (the opposite comes sometimes too, "Not drowning, waving", I prefer it that way). I can be washing the dishes, or digging in the yard, anything really, just going about my day, not thinking about anything that has anything to do with these words. I haven't heard the poem in about 15 years. I don't know the rest, just that one line. It has been coming to visit me for at least two weeks. A couple days go by, and then there it is again. What does it want? Am I missing something, not seeing something I need to notice? (I am in calm waters right now, thank God; I struggle a bit with myself, but I do so while playing about near the shoreline. So ). I'm not drowning. Is someone around me? Or is it just nothing, like lyrics to songs, that just come and go, an odd shuffling of papers, in my minds filing cabinet, out of sync with time.

Other lines have come, over the years, they often replay for months at a time. "First, do no harm", that visited for years, years ago, I have no idea why. For the past two years, it has been "Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments." It would just start with not...(since I don't know the phrasing). I don't know these poems or ideas well, I don't know the rest of the words. Does it mean anything that they come? Am I trying to tell myself something? Or is it just a little glitch. (my brain hamsters again)

Last night in bed, half asleep, I heard my Nana call me. Tif-fa-ny. (oh lovely I just started to cry). It was so clear, it was her voice. I didn't realize she said my name a certain way (her tone, how she broke apart the sounds). She was calling me, loud, not mad, but the way she did when trying to get my attention, something important; or if I wasn't really far away, but far enough that she had to make sure her voice would carry. It startled me, completely awake. Part of this goes back to the dream post, I didn't know that somewhere within me, I carried the exact sound of her voice, the exact phrasing. I can't recreate it now. I would like to. I would like to hear it again (If I try and try, I can almost, a hint of it, but it fades so fast). But somewhere within me, it is all held. So, why did I hear her call me? Why with that tone? I wasn't thinking about her. I was daydreaming, a bit of romantic nonsense. I have to daydream nonsense in order to fall asleep, I've always had to, as far back as I have memory, otherwise I have insomnia and stare at the walls all night long. Daydreaming, and suddenly, my name just broke across it. She died in 2000, this has never happened before. Why would I do this? How could I? I want to say "what is it, what do you want????? What are you trying to call my attention to?". I am sitting here now, asking myself this, what am I trying to tell me, am I missing something, not seeing something? Or just, more mildly, being an idiot. (and was reprimanding myself for the content of the daydream)

Is there this stream that always flows within us, an undercurrent that carries things along, and through us, a dialogue vibrating at a different frequency then the one we are actively engaged in, bits of time, of past times, moving along, mostly unseen, and unheard. So we are usually unaware of it, but then every once in a while, a little fragment (slips through and ) can be heard.
If so, does that mean anything, the bit that you just happen to hear? Is there a reason that particular piece slipped through?
(and that it slipped through when it did, in that space in time in your active life)
or is it just random?
Like bits of words, dialogue, music, you overhear coming from your neighbors houses, now that it is spring, and everyone is out and about, and has their windows open. What you hear may at times be interesting or amusing, but mostly it is just meaningless to you, and has no impact on your life.
is this not about debris flow (whether it does or does not exist), but is me actively trying to tell myself something?
If so,

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