Kamatanishiki

I've been in a sad mood over a tree peony. Stupid, pathetic, shake it off, already. I was in a very cheery mood, singing, and humming softly, soaking up sunshine, visiting the nurseries, searching, through petals, and scents, textures, and colors. Touching everything, especially this one soft leafed plant (not lambs ear), so much so, that if they could, they might join together and get a restraining order against me. But the poor dears, have no such option. All was good. But then, alas, the purple tree peony was gone. There were 4 or 5 of them, just last week. I have coveted this peony since last year. Too expensive, I think it was about $50, for something that only blooms for a short period. I should put my money (for) now into things that bloom longer. But then I remembered Mother's Day, true I am not my husband's mother, as he is forever telling me, when I ask him to buy me something for Mother's day, but it isn't like Cheese is going to buy me anything, and it isn't even as if, Bob will make Cheese, make me a card, so I want Bob to buy me a plant from Cheese. Last year I got wisteria (and it is really considering blooming, teasing me with the beginings of little green leaves, tucked tightly against the vine). The people at the gardening store told me, someone came in yesterday and bought them all (the purple tree peony). Paeonia. AGH!!!!! No one else has them (around here), I checked, went to 5 different places. Who would buy 4 or 5 of them? Evil landscapers. It will be near impossible to get Bob to agree to order one online.

after 3pm

I am perked up now. My mom left me a singing message on my answering machine, "hello my honey, hello my..." she promised free compost. I do enjoy driving in my car listening to the radio. Today singing along to "silly love songs". Why can't they put that on itunes? Who cares about the apple logo thing, and that is the Beatles any way. Doesn't Paul need the money for his divorce (is that a harsh thing to say?). "How can I tell, you about, my loved one" or is it love one? No matter.

May. I love May. I knew my stomach troubles were over last Friday ( I think it was), when I was walking around Wegmans, trying very hard not to sing "there was something in the air last night, the stars were bright, Fernando...They were shining there for you..." outloud. It was very hard. I did a mix of singing very softly and of humming. The inclination to sing songs while out and about, doesn't surprise me, it has always been a problem. I remember back in elementary school, coming home one day, and getting yelled out by my older brother. My offense? A friend of his (and probably other kids too) had heard me singing some comercial jingle while walking down the halls. (Oh the embarrassment of it all). I did feel bad for him, really I did (hey I remember that it happened.), I tried not to, but it was/is just so hard. And I recall that in high school, while humming my way into class, a boy said, "it is so good that you don't do drugs, you're so weird already, I couldn't even imagine." (He wasn't being mean though, just observant. His tone was wonder, with a hint of horror, and even a bit of the resignation my brother was forced to develop). In college, on a day trip to New York (art museums), I hear my best friend say "she is just like that", the other girl "all the time", BF "pretty much so". It was in reference to my singing, which I wasn't really even aware I was doing, certainly not at all loudly, very very very softly, quietly. The thing is, I have always felt invisible, I didn't really think people could see me, so it only makes sense that I didn't think they could hear me either. I came across a book several years ago, about Italy, and it said that Italians have a penchant for singing while they are walking down the street. I am part Italian, so I freely blame this, and claim my excuse. If only I had a pleasant sounding voice, I doubt I would bother with trying not to sing. (so maybe it is for the best, that I can't sing.) -oh yeah, the part that did surprise me about singing was, that I was singing that song, I mean I haven't even heard it in the past year or so. So, why was it buzzing around in my head? "there was something in the air last night, the stars were bright...."

It is kind of cool, how you can have a habit (perhaps odd) and then realize it is a family trait. Like eating all the way around a sandwhich (on a bun) before eating the center, then finding out that my mom and aunt do the same thing. I also have this habit, when I hear a phrase, that reminds me of any song that has those words in it, I start to sing it. ( I can't think of any right now, let's say someone says "how can I tell you about.." and then you would just burst in with "my loved one". or you are doing yard work and someone comes up and says "Oh, you've got mud on your face" you say "big disgrace") Then one day, I'm out with my mom and son, and she does this. I had no idea, I got this from her. I have just started hanging out more (besides just holidays) with my mom and her side of the family, so I am now tracking some quirks, and probably picking up new ones.

Strange strange dreams as of late. Last night the helicopter crash, right near me (very vivid), and then hallucinating that it was halloween. I mean in the dream I was seeing trick or treaters and pumpkins, and witches hats, and I realized it was May, and that I was hallucinating, superimposing these images that weren't there onto my actual surroundings (it freaked me out, but was also like a game). And there was that dream that I was in some mountainside home (some sort of self sufficient compound, I was visiting. why??), like near the alps or something, and I was having visions of the future, I wasn't sure of when that future was going to be, but was sure it would be (yeah I Know, clearly watching too much, Medium, Ghost Whisperer, and Heroes), I was looking out the windows (panoramic view) and I could see all these creatures, monsters, and people. (grey skies, snow) They were coming from all over (different directions), joining together (walking on the crest, of a path), mounting the summit (what the heck were they going to do when they got there?). It was in black and white, well sort of, but also like a Bev Dolittle painting (is that her name?). Then the vision was gone, I looked out the window again, and it was spring, or maybe even summer, the grass was green, there were families hiking the mountainside, flowers, a picnic type of atmosphere, kites. The thing about it though ( I can't at all describe it) is that it was visually stunning. (even though I didn't like what I was seeing, I was scared, still, I loved looking at it, taking it all in). Hundreds of creatures, walking in the snow, and creatures flying over head. Dragons, horses, men, monsters, hybrids/manbeasts/manonsters (mansters, sounds too much like hamsters), things I have never seen. The dragons, or whatever the heck they were, I could see them in such detail, and then they faded off into the distant sky. I can't draw things without looking at them, my mind doesn't work that way, it's too fuzzy. My visual recall is swiss cheese. I think I know what something looks like, but I don't. So dreams surprise me, showing me, such detail, anatomy, form, perspective. Light, how light hits things. How things move. How beautifully they flew. How can you know stuff, you don't know? How can part of you, see clearly, and retain information, and be able to conjure up perfect pictures of things you haven't even seen, clearly, with vivid detail, and another part of you, not have access to it? I try to draw the simpliest thing, that I see everyday, and realize I can't, not from memory, it isn't there. Only it is there. But where?

If I draw something over and over, sure, a short hand version of it, does make its way into my memory.

Oh it is late already, and it is seems I have spent the better part of a day feeling up foliage. I don't even know if I have enough time to plop some plants in dirt, before Bob gets home and realizes I charged a few. I only hope he eats the dinner I made, as Cheese refused to.