Koji

(from 5/9/07)- writing thoughts

Usually it is Mikiyoshi who comes to me, takes my hand, and asks me to continue, like he is a song, and he wants me to sing him. He is in winter, and he doesn't want to endure it forever, he wants me to take him farther in, and through.

Today was different, it was Koji who came to me, on soft paws, and asked, "Why don't you let me go home?". It is all he wants, all he has ever wanted. He is tired of waiting, of standing in the garden (which is so close, yet also far away from where he wants to be), full of longing. It is all concentric cirlces, in the garden he is in the first one, the house is the second, in open arms that close around him is the third, and inside the heart is the fourth, the center of the center. Home. Connecting with Koji makes me sad, usually I sense him easier, like one on an adventure, but lately I feel him as unrequited, ever hopeful, ever waiting. He has decided that however it turns out he will stay (I watched him, sitting in the garden, his back to the house). If I write on, he wont be forever waiting, he will either be pulled inside the center circle, or just be, living his own life, close by, but knowing he will never dwell within, choosing to live his life in the outer circle, because it is the closest he can get. So that will be his home, though the feeling is much different than of living in someone's heart. Either way, Koji's heart does not change, it was set from the first, this is where he belongs. I feel him there, waiting to see, which way his life will be. I've known his thoughts for a long time, but now, I feel his emotions, not just know them.

So, it is he, that I will feel, to help guide me on. It seems I can make Mikiyoshi wait forever, twin to my soul. (it is a shame as the snow falls upon you, I feel bad, but I do not hurt, for I know you feel safe in not feeling). But little Koji, his sweet voice, chiming, like a little bell, carried on the wind, asking me, begging, pleading "I want to go home, please, let me go home. Take me home". (Koji, I must deliver to shelter).