Friday, April 13, 2007

The universe is staging an intervention

I can not find any avocados. Where are they? I went to two grocery stores today, nada. I was forced to have an avocado free day. (now it is Sunday, so it has been three days).

(our cat is so into equality- he divides his time up between us (Husband, Son, me). He just came up to sit next to me on the floor of my room. Left the Husband on the sofa, with a blanket, because he hadn't spent time with me yet.)

my moods lately are so food dictated. Wednesday, tried to eat pizza, didn't like it= depressed. Thursday, made this Kashi mango bean stuff (to clear it out of freezer), didn't think I would like it (planned on trying to get husband to eat it) when wonder of wonders, I liked it fine, and ate it = a good mood. Rather unhappy this morning, Friday, as I was once again forcing myself to eat strawberries for breakfast, too hard, too sour, mash mash, add sugar, still bad. Then at grocery store, I actually started to cry, because I have always loved grocery shopping, I think of it as fun, and I wasn't having any fun at all. Nothing looked good, and they didn't have four items I was looking for, and hoping for, and I felt sort of defeated, because I didn't think it would matter what else I did buy, I didn't think I would enjoy any of it. I had just asked my Husband if he wanted me to buy a specific item for him and our son, and he said "if you want it". I used to like it, but I would spit it out in disgust now, something he would know if he was paying any degree of attention (to me, for the past 8 weeks), and something that I find depressing, a store full of food I used to like, but now can't stand; so like the big sissy baby that I am, I started to cry about it (discreetly. No sense in being depressed, and looking crazy). I felt shut- out of the grocery store; like how someone feels shut-out if they become a size too big for the regular stores at the mall. You can still go look at the stuff, but it wont fit you, and you can see people all around you who can just go, and get something and enjoy it, and you have to be careful, and hunt around, and see if you can find anything (scarf, earrings, big top), anything that might work, that might make you feel okay, like the other people. Among my purchases I did buy some grilled veg (pre made- asian bar), and some asparagus wrapped with eggplant (also pre- made). And these items all went over really well= so all of a sudden I was really happy. Don't let me mislead you into thinking I am eating healthfully, I added not only dill, but lighthouse jalopeno ranch dressing to these. And I used the grilled veg to get down a slice of pizza. (and heck, I added powdered sugar, and whipped cream to the peanut butter balls, I ate the other day, in an attempt to make them taste like something, to me)

(my Husband keeps calling upstairs to me. First he tried to get me to go downstairs to watch rogue chimps, now it is wolves and some guy. I'm not interested. But as our child, who is supposed to be sleeping, just wandered in to talk to me, I sent him down. Oh, I just realized he probably ignored me when I told him to shower about two hours ago, and called down to ask, and no, he didn't shower yet. So now he is awake, watching TV and dirty. It is after 10 pm, it is a Friday, but still. I said he should come up, but now I can't get him back up, as Husband feels wolf special is valid reason for being up. Oh good, child just came upstairs, he is however talking to me rather than showering. Off to shower)

I have heard that happiness comes from within, and shouldn't easliy be tossed about by external circumstances, that fluctuate daily. Of course it would be hard not to be effected by true hardships, but clearly that isn't the issue here, I am discussing my trifling daily variances which shouldn't so easily be able to change my mood. I'm saying this because I strongly feel, that whether I am happy or depressed this weekend and next week, will rest almost entirely on whether or not I find something I like to eat. And I don't want my feelings of well being to be tossed about so easily from meal to meal, up and down. I want to know I will be in a good mood, feel in control of it, regardless.
Can I be in a good mood regardless?
I don't know.
And when I get depressed I wonder if I am having food troubles because I am depressed, or depressed because I am having food troubles.

I ate 1/6 th of an egg bagel, with butter, on an empty stomach, about 40 minutes ago, and I am in no pain. So maybe I can eat bread products, straight up, again. I did not however like the taste of it, well okay, the butter wasn't bad.

(we are all here together, watching the 3rd Harry Potter movie. The boy is watching it upside down and teh husband is half asleep. - Now it is near the end of the movie, they both are right side up and awake)

Cheese today was nasty, no go. But yesterday went fine with the bread, and I made a choice to eat chicken today, just to see. It was okay, so far I am fine (no pain, no nausea, no bloating). So whatever the stomach pain issue was, I think it is gone. I ate the bread, and chicken to prove to myself that I am over my fear of certain foods. Now, I will decide what it is I want to be eating, and eat that. And not have a boo- hoo fest over it. As long as it is no longer a question of pain, I can change my perspective on it, from one of - things I can't eat, to one of- things I am no longer inclined to eat. So my tastes are changing, so what, for the most part, they seem to be changing for the better. So I can eat what the rest of the family is eating, if I want to. ( I just probably wont want to, most of the time)

My husband is complaining that I cost too much to feed now. Well, it is sort of true, as it has been a separate meal from their's, an extra one added to each day. And I do buy things, and then find I am unable to eat them, and often find I am unable to force the boys to eat them either. "Anyone want these cooked carrots? Carrots tasted great last week, this week, they taste like licking a sweaty horse." (not that I ever have, mind you.) He is upset that I want more fresh basil (already ate two bunches this week). I am unusually adamant and inflexible on the matter. (I can never seem to find the right kind for planting in the yard, or on the sill.) Fruit and veg, and herbs, do cost more, so does the one kind of bread I am eating, and so do pre-made foods, especially so called healthy pre-made ones. But everything else tastes bad, right now. (and I am so happy when I find something that I like.) If my tastes stay the same, in time, I will figure out how to eat/ make these foods, cheaper. (like-what kind of basil it is, and grow my own). And anyway, who knows, what I will be eating by June.

My attitude has shifted, and I intend for it to remain so. I will find what I enjoy and eat it, and never mind what I don't (What does it matter, what I liked yesterday?). I am so lucky to have so many options and foods available to me. (as long as I can find, buy, and enjoy something, it's good)

I still haven't resumed typing and working on the book, but I am excited about the story again (which considering the way it had been, I call progress). I see white birds flying everywhere. How the sight of their wings sing to me. How stupid I feel, for how happy the sight of them makes me; asking the question, again and again "why don't you go back into the story, why don't you finish?"

why don't I?

soon the soil will call, earth will be under my nails, my energy will be spent in trying to make plants grow, so the best time for writing is now. Please don't pick up the weight obsessive thing. Don't make my days all about excercising, and numbers on a scale. Yes, you can weigh less, and you prefer to, but then all your days are all about that, your life is all about that, fill my days, my life, fill me with something else. Fill me with words, with stories, with art and paint, fill me with pictures and sounds. I just need to lose three pounds to feel okay about myself, to fit into my clothes well. I want you to write. Writing makes me so tense, and so stressed out, so emotional, I'll want to over-eat, to try and stuff the feelings down. You wont ever be happy if you don't finish this. It is all I am asking of you right now, finish it. Goodness, I am not even asking for you to finish it finish it, just complete the first rough draft. In fact, do it tomorrow, the out-line, step outline, whatever it is called, just as it is, just what you know now, I know where the holes are, write up to, and around them, give me this. Then you can figure them out, and research and fill them in, and then do a complete rough draft. Think how happy you will be when you have a complete rough draft.


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