alright, so I printed out

the step outline, as far as I got, from October- 30th, and the one from November, 1st, and now added the ones I started yesterday, and the one I started yesterday and finished today, it does have holes in it, and variables (some time line issues) but it does go from start to finish, so I am happy about that. ( I kept trying to do, just a very basic simple outline, but in sections I would start fleshing stuff out) And when you add these to the, mounted board pieces I have of the entire story (both outline parts, and the scenes that I know well), there is sort of enough structure to just dive into it now, and start the draft. (someone is running out of excuses).

What I need to do tomorrow (ah still have that excuse) is to finish the research that will answer the timeline questions, and then I need to start, and to agree that it is okay, to over stuff it, to put everything in it, and remind myself, that I can take it out later, rather than getting all finger tied now, because I can't decide if something should, or shouldn't be.

None of this solves the narrator problem, since I have two main characters, who both want to tell the story (or rather one character, wants to tell the story of the other one), and I am very unsteady about the way I am resolving this issue (it brings up problems), but it is the way I see it, feel it (and it has been that way since the beginning), so I will do it that way, the hard way, and also I will do it the more logical way (which for some reason isn't emotionally appealing) and then I will see, which way it works.

Oh and it is unsettling to have changed the one character's name in the past 6 months, after saying Zaph for about 8 years, to be calling him Koji now, feels odd. I go back and forth in the writing, one line says Koji, the next Zaph. But Koji is a real Japanese name, so it is better, and it means- little boy, which has extra meaning in the story, so it works better, but I fell in love with the character as Zaph, I discovered him, learned about him, with that name. That name still pulls on my heart, this one, Koji, I have to keep trying to feel, have to keep pouring that character into it.

I tired so hard to get rid of Zaph/Koji over the years, but he kept telling me, he was the story. And so now too, I believe you are, but how do I tell the stories of two, with the eyes and words of the one. You carry all the heart and emotions of the story it is true, but Mikiyoshi carries all the plotline developments. Your plotline, is watching. What trouble you give me little one. Little one who will not be left out. Wont be left behind. Heart of Mikiyoshi, heart of mine.

How odd. Yesterday, working on the story stressed me out, today, I find comfort here.