rough draft

Trying to think of a reason why I can't start it. Did the rest of the boards yesterday. Exercised yesterday. Counted the pages in the binder, where I keep all the bits and pieces I have written so far (which have been sliced up and now make up the boards) and there are 150 pages, that seems like an okay amount of foundation. I always worry that the story wont turn out long enough, whatever that means; what, long enough to burn for more than 20 seconds if I lite it on fire? Long enough for what? I keep thinking, I need to go buy stuff now, so I can make dinner later. I keep thinking I need to leave the house. I told myself yesterday that I could have the first rough draft done by the last day of April (didn't tell myself it would be any good, just that I could have it done by then), and there is no reason why that couldn't be true. None except that in order for that to happen, I would have to do it. And there are so many places, and ways to hide. I am not asking myself to be a good writer. I am not asking myself to spend the rest of my life writing (attempting to be a writer), all I am asking, is that I finish this. Write this one story, out completely, for myself, if only so that I don't spend the next 10 years doing it, a line, or a paragraph at a time (it is like a friend who haunts me. Like a ghost who will not leave, till I fulfill its final request). And when it is done, I should be clear, for whatever is next. That is such a little thing to ask, to expect of oneself. I mean really, come on.

I try to work different mental/emotional angles, saying, all you have to do today, is go through everything you have already written, and organize it down on paper sequentially (into one master copy). But this fills me with so much anxiety, I have written specific scenes many times over the years, and to do this I would have to make decisions, which line is best, which isn't, how do I say it, which is the best way to convey it. And I will walk right (write) up and fall into holes. Hole areas, whole areas where I am not sure how to get there from here, I will have to create the transitions. This of course is the reason for doing a rough draft, to make these decisions, and start filling in the holes, and connecting things. It is just that it scares the heck out of me.

I panic so easily. I was freaking out yesterday, because I am out of certain colors, for the sturdy paper I use to create the boards, and I had to use other colors. I could have gone out shopping for them, but I tried that in the fall, and I can't find this particular kind of paper anywhere, (my Mom gave it to me, and doesn't have anymore of it). So my whole color system doesn't work anymore. I had certain colors for certain things, for different parts of the story, to help me quickly visually organize it (it was quite thought out. It echoed the internal structure of the story, and showed how the story structure contains echoes), and in order to add yesterday's pages on, I had to mess up my system. It made me so stressed, it felt so wrong, and horrible to do. But what else could I do? I don't want to use the lack of certain colors of paper as an excuse for not moving forward.

When I don't know what I am doing, or how to do something, I just lose it. Several years back I started hyper ventilating while making home made pizza dough (and kneading it. You know making pizza), just because, I felt so uncertain, and unsure. I knew it was ridiculous, I was being ridiculous, so much emotion, so much panic, over dough, (what was the worst that could happen? and so what if it did?) but still, I couldn't change the way I felt. It turned out so so, not great, not horrible. But I still clearly remember the amount of self help, and pep talk, I had to employ (like those TV scenes where someone is trying to talk a potential jumper, safely down from a ledge. "its okay" "you're gonna be alright") , just to keep myself moving along, trying to do it, so that at least it would be done.

Okay, so I gotta go, I will try and make myself work on the rough draft, if I fail, well at least there will be food to eat tonight.