I wanted to write A Song for Alena, in honor of the sweet 16 she would be today (16 on the 16th).
I want to celebrate her, but as I whisper those words, "I want to celebrate her" tears come instead.
I want this day, I want to see her sunny, bright, and 16.
How hard it is not to just miss what was, I always also miss what would have been.
It has been a year and several months, since her feet have walked upon the earth, and still I want to negotiate with God. I want a chance for a different story, a longer one, filled full with chapters. It is hard to let go, even as time moves on, for as it does, I keep longing to see her move along with it. Each corner I turn, I expect to see her there, as the seasons change, as the years flow in and out, I turn and expect to see her, in mittens, in flip flops, in bathing suits, in school clothes, at Thanksgiving, at Christmas, at Easter (How can it be that I will never see her in a car she is driving having just gotten her learners permit?). The years turn and I turn, but I don't see her there.
A Song for Alena. I don't know how to write such a song, those first words are the only ones I can come up with that I like, for it would have to be more beautiful than any words I know, filled with more love than any letters can hold, no matter how I arrange them. I think of images, of metaphors, of flowers floating in a gentle wind, smiles, in sunlight, flowing, releasing scent and sounds, she glows, chimes mixing with birdsong, giggling, laughter, bird wings fly by a butterfly, sings, is happy, is kindness, warmth. And anyone who hears her song would feel special, like it played just for them, they would know they were loved, and feel the connection created was important, because that is what it felt like to be with Alena.
There is no reason in trying
I can not write such a song,
and why struggle with words, there is no need for me to create any such song
a better gift to offer her is to sit still and listen more to the song already song
my memories of her are the song that plays through me today,
and there is no better song I could hear
it fills me with gratitude for the moments our souls walked side by side
It is a song without words, it is images and feelings,
a song of her, a beautiful song her life created
a song she wrote with her being
and in holding that in my mind, heart, soul
I sing for her today.
Her song,
the parts that I know,
and her sisters,
her parents,
all her family,
and friends,
think of her today, and play in their minds the different parts of her song that they know.
Through all our memories of her, and love for her, together today we all play Alena's song.
I wonder if she hears us, feels us, playing a song for Alena.
(chords of memories played through our souls)
There is a chorus, the only words in my part of the memories song (I know all the others have the same chorus)
I miss you
I miss you
is a complete poem
it is simple and vast
I miss you
I still have you,
here in my heart
(are words and feelings, that long to be included in refrain)
5 comments:
Beautifully written. Truly.
There's nothing I can say to make things better. Hang in there.
Paul
Paul,
Thanks.
It helps me to write such things, to think of things in those sorts of ways. But...it brings me to a question concerning my writing writing, which I hope to post soon.
What a beautiful post, the photos, the prose in the first part, the song in your heart in the second. It made tears well in my eyes. Did you cry as you wrote the whole thing? I know what you mean about not only being sad for what is missed that was, but also for what might have been....
Feel better soon, Love Amy
P.S.
I think you are giving Cheese just being memories..the St. Patricks Day pranks, other Holiday special things you do, the fanatasy about that thing in the field, it will all remain and the "did you do that, pick your clothes up" will fade and be forgotten
Amy,
Thanks. Yeah I did cry. First the night before when I was supposed to be sleeping but was up in bed with a notebook on my lap, trying to write her a poem. Realizing I had no good words, I wrote about that instead. And then again the next day while I was typing that first part onto my computer/blog, and then thought wait She is the poem, her life is, and the song we recite/play today, is one of our memories of her. But those were more gentle tears (because I was thinking of her loveliness and of happy memories), when I really start crying is when I get angry because "I want to see her at 16!" and I know I wont, ever.
Cheese- I hope so. My Nana and Pop brought a sense of magic into my life (and security), and that is part of what inspires me to do those holiday things for Cheese. I am not them, I don't know how to create and give a Rockwell painting feeling to people, but I try in my own way to give something of what I have, that I think is good.
I really hope that you are right, and that those things, those feelings, will remain as good memories, and that he wont just remember "pick up your clothes" "ugh, garbage goes in the trash, dirty dishes go in the sink, and unused food goes back into the refrigerator" "You HAVE to GO to BED", the parental stuff which is part of our every day.
I miss you - that's a beautiful song, Taffiny, as are all your words and thoughts of her...
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