Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I wanted to write A Song for Alena, in honor of the sweet 16 she would be today (16 on the 16th).
I want to celebrate her, but as I whisper those words, "I want to celebrate her" tears come instead.
I want this day, I want to see her sunny, bright, and 16.
How hard it is not to just miss what was, I always also miss what would have been.
It has been a year and several months, since her feet have walked upon the earth, and still I want to negotiate with God. I want a chance for a different story, a longer one, filled full with chapters. It is hard to let go, even as time moves on, for as it does, I keep longing to see her move along with it. Each corner I turn, I expect to see her there, as the seasons change, as the years flow in and out, I turn and expect to see her, in mittens, in flip flops, in bathing suits, in school clothes, at Thanksgiving, at Christmas, at Easter (How can it be that I will never see her in a car she is driving having just gotten her learners permit?). The years turn and I turn, but I don't see her there.
A Song for Alena. I don't know how to write such a song, those first words are the only ones I can come up with that I like, for it would have to be more beautiful than any words I know, filled with more love than any letters can hold, no matter how I arrange them. I think of images, of metaphors, of flowers floating in a gentle wind, smiles, in sunlight, flowing, releasing scent and sounds, she glows, chimes mixing with birdsong, giggling, laughter, bird wings fly by a butterfly, sings, is happy, is kindness, warmth. And anyone who hears her song would feel special, like it played just for them, they would know they were loved, and feel the connection created was important, because that is what it felt like to be with Alena.
There is no reason in trying
I can not write such a song,
and why struggle with words, there is no need for me to create any such song
a better gift to offer her is to sit still and listen more to the song already song
my memories of her are the song that plays through me today,
and there is no better song I could hear
it fills me with gratitude for the moments our souls walked side by side
It is a song without words, it is images and feelings,
a song of her, a beautiful song her life created
a song she wrote with her being
and in holding that in my mind, heart, soul
I sing for her today.
the parts that I know,
and her sisters,
all her family,
think of her today, and play in their minds the different parts of her song that they know.
Through all our memories of her, and love for her, together today we all play Alena's song.
I wonder if she hears us, feels us, playing a song for Alena.
(chords of memories played through our souls)
There is a chorus, the only words in my part of the memories song (I know all the others have the same chorus)
I miss you
I miss you
is a complete poem
it is simple and vast
I miss you
I still have you,
here in my heart
(are words and feelings, that long to be included in refrain)