Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Like the weather
Valentines day is just a day away.
I always have a bit of trouble with the card.
Actually I almost always have trouble with all cards.
I stand there picking up one after the other, for birthdays, anniversaries, fathers day, et. cetera, and they all say things I don't feel.
I'll pick up a beautiful card, read it, and realize I don't feel those words, thus I can't send it. I hate that about these sorts of days, I am fine with the rest of the day, but the cards thing...ugh. It isn't a problem with my son, nor was it with my Nana and Pop, but with all the rest, it is a bit of a search, to find a kind card, affectionate but not at all over-stated. One that doesn't describe a relationship I do not have with the person. Or express a feeling I don't feel.
Sometimes it is just a matter of sort of relationship, I do not feel bad about me with those cards, like with the dad cards, it isn't a lacking on my part, it is just how it was, and how it is, but it does make me realize all the ways we haven't been a part of each others lives. These cards remind me of that, "you were always there to help me, to guide me....".
Some cards, like the ones for my husband, those make me feel bad about me..I read all these beautiful wonderful cards, and am faced with I DON'T FEEL...I don't feel these things...and I wonder what is wrong with me.
I don't have a card for him yet, and I don't want to do it, go sort through all those sweet romantic passionate cards, to find the one, that expresses a love, but in a way that seems to say so much less then the other cards. And he doesn't like funny cards, he has told me that, so I can't jsut cope out, and get one of those. If I get him no card, I am offering him nothing. How can that be all I offer him, extend to him, nothing? I'll have to do it, find something, feel bad while I search, look directly into that part of me, and feel uncomfortable with its lacking.
Last week, I read in People magazine (I think) an article about biology of romance, while in the waiting room of my son's orthodontist. They had a checklist, some sort of meter of this kind of love, and let's just say I did not do well. It is odd though that I do feel those sorts of feelings, only just in the imaginary realm. I can feel this sort of energy in my make-believe realationships, in my crushes, my pretend boyfriends. I feel passion, have intensity, and am surprised at the dialogue that flows from this. (I am surprised by it in my story writing as well, my characters feel passion. I don't set out to try and write something to sound so, they speak, I write down, and feel surprise at their intensity).
Imaginary kisses move me more than any real kiss ever did. I feel them more than I feel real kisses. What an odd way to be.
I am not low, which I feel I should state as my posts do seem melancholy as of late, I am reflective but not sad. February brings certain things to me, and I am aware of them, and letting you see them. But it isn't my whole world, not all my energy, these are just some of the many colored strands being woven through me life.
Actually sitting here now, I would say I feel optimistic, though I don't know why or about what. But it is just that feeling of things from time to time tucked under the snow, but plenty of life is in them, so much yet to grow, to become, to be.
I have my delights and my joys. The scent excites me, as I feel the softness, and taste the sweetness of the peach. There are some things I may never know, never feel, real in my lifetime, but I am here, I am who I am, and I am grateful for all that I do get to know, to feel.