I have to remind myself

over and over
to just be where I am.
I keep starting, but then jumping away from the writing.
I am a bit stuck, I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how I am going to do this part.
It is odd, as I have the boards, which form a vague sort of outline, I know the points that need to be touched upon, I know what will happen, but still I don't know how I will get there, from here, and here. How will they all be woven together? How, where, when, does each strand get woven in to create the whole? I keep freaking out, running away from the words, away from the story.

I have to keep reminding myself, I only need to see this moment. Be in the present moment in the story, and describe it, and walk through it, and then when I get to the next one, do the next one. I can't keep going on unnerving myself by wondering about several steps ahead, or a page ahead or even a paragraph ahead of where I am. I need to be calm and centered, and center on just this one piece, and move from piece to piece, strand to strand, stepping stones, through, across the story. After I am done the rough draft I can go back, I can move words, and ideas, and weave better, now I just need to move, from one moment to the next. I only need to hold one strand at a time. I only need to see the moment I am in.

I only need to see the moment I am in.

"Do you know where Mikiyoshi is right now? Do you know what he is doing?"

"yes"

"Go there.
All I ask of you is to go there,
sit with him,
feel those keys in your hands.
Can you do that?"

"of course. I was there earlier today.
Before I fled."

"Go back sit beside him. Perhaps you need to wait, to sit still and listen. To wait like you always keep him waiting. To hear his breathing, as he kneels bent on the floor.
The candle is lit, the offering is made, you both wish to turn the key in the lock. All you have to do is keep your eyes open"

my mood, transient.
A small shell tumbling in the tide.
Water rushing forth toward shore, taking me with it,
then pulling back, receding ocean dragging me.
Over and over, carried by water, moving one way then the other
tossed up, then down, smashing against the sandy bottom, then pulled back up again.
An urge to ride the waves, fling myself upon the shore, anchored on land, feeling the dry heat of sun.
The pull to find the current that will carry me back lying still under the cool deep ocean.

a castle in the mist
a mood, a thought, reflected in the sand washed by sea and touched by sun,
where I am trying to be, what is calling to me,
an image that I lose sight of again and again, as I tumble uncertainly.

#5 of 7 random things

Ritual Chapstick

Chapstick and I have been chummy since I was 14, when I found I had trouble sleeping without any.

I also wear lisptick during the day, but chapstick is my true mainstay.

Over the years I have developed specific flavors/scents for specific times.

Softlips Vanilla, is for sleeping. I've kept her on my nightstand for several years now. One has to be careful in the middle of the night though, as she is very fond of rolling away onto the floor. I find the scent calming and delicate, it reminds me of good things, a scent to bring sweet dreams.

Lip Smacker Pink Lemonade, is for wearing while exercising. I have been wearing her thus for 10 years. I keep her in the front part of my make-up drawer in the bathroom. The scent is happy, cheerful and awake, so I feel it should help me get moving.

Lip Smacker Jell-O Grape is for general day wearing. I found her this summer. I lose her all the time though, as she bounces around from drawer, to make-up bag, tp purse. I have two or three of them, but am always searching. The scent is reminiscent of grape kool-aid and popsicles, a bit of childhood summer on my lips, and this one actually tastes sweet. When I put it on in the car, I invariably hear "What is that? What you got there? What are you eating?" from Cheese in the backseat. He is always disappointed to find, it is just chapstick.

ChapStick Peppermint is for writing, not blogs, emails, or letters, but for rough drafts, my attempts at novel writing. I started with this summer of 06. I keep her with my writing stuff, on the desk in my studio, or on the coffee table in the formal living room (which is where I mostly write, despite Bob's protests). Peppermint scent is supposed to both soothe (help with headaches), and stimulate, I find it to be a good writing scent.

I like ritual. I like having scents to help cue me into certain actions and activities.
There are other chapstick flavors about my house, back-ups, that just didn't make the cut. The sents and flavors were just so-so and not right for ritual. I'm ever on the look-out, for new scents and flavors that I can use. Like maybe find a blogging scent, or a cleaning one, or book reading one, or one for gardening.

Oops

I missed my own 1 yr blogiversary!

It was December 29th. Well I am always running a little behind, if I am lucky, and big behind, if I am not.
I was quite uncertain when I began.
What the heck is this?
What am I doing?
Why am I doing it?
I first looked into myspace, but it didn't seem to be any place, for me to have a space. It seemed to be all about popularity, and pictures of oneself (I am not saying it is, I am saying that was my impression).
I was looking for a writing space, a place for words, and looking for a group of people who also have writing aspirations.
So I ventured out onto the blogosphere, word by word.
I was alone for a long time, not visiting anyone, and not visited.
I looked around but couldn't seem to find other blogs with writing ambitions, so I mostly just kept to myself.
But then one day I happened upon GoodThomas, now Witnessingami. And it was like walking into a sunny room, and I could look out onto other views, and find other rooms to walk into from there.

I still don't venture out too far, I don't make a lot of stops, I am like a homing pigeon, with a particular pattern of flight, but that circle of flight takes me to another place in PA, to Chicago, other points USA, to Canada, and to Italy, and Spain, and South America, and England, and Scotland, and....et cetera. I am very grateful for the company. For the words, voices, ideas, and the points of view.

While my blog still functions mostly as my morning pages, I do hope it is somewhat readable, and now I try to include photos so it is more visually friendly.

This blog has done some of what I had hoped, found me a community of others who wish to write (and even some published writers), gotten me used to writing every day, given me a place to set things down that seem to be wandering and wondering about my mind. And has done some things I hadn't expected, showing me other places in the world, giving me insights into other people, and writers, who sometimes make me sad, frequently make me laugh, and almost always make me smile.

Sometimes we are silly, sometimes serious, there is stuff to think over, and stuff to just enjoy, and there is normal just day in and day out being alive stuff too. I have liked seeing the different styles. Mine is mostly day to day stuff, whatever comes, gets set down. But others have creative writing blogs, with poetry, and passages. Some of you are witty, some funny, some creative. (well most of you are those things).

I hope I am learning from you, about blogging, about writing, about being, seeing different styles, and ways of doing.

I am encouraged by you, to keep walking forward on my manuscript writing path (I am more of a meanderer than a runner, but still I am taking steps ahead), and I am very happy to have joined the blogoshere.

#2 of 7 random things (though I do seem to have lost track)

2. I am addicted to salt. I really like coarse kosher salt right now. The amount of salt I use seems to bother other people. I don't know why. But they are forever commenting on it.When I was a small child I used to make a little mountain of salt on my plate and dip food into it before I ate it. I don't do THAT anymore. Bob has joked over the years that he should get me a salt necklace so I will always have some on me, because of the numerous occasions, when out and about, when we have had food and no salt (a situation I never take well to). This summer I did take to, taking salt with me in my purse. This is really helpful for me at the shore and other moist places, where if you want any volume of salt you have to unscrew the lid to get it, which I have done, but which seems very um...unsophisticated (to put it nicely).. The thing is, except for fruit (which by the way I don't put salt on) raw peas, and raw carrots, I don't actually like the way food tastes as is. I am very into condiments, and pasta sauces, and dairy products to make food taste better. (and of course salt)

it is

damn cold here

The cat is curled up in front of the heat vent, with the drapes all around him, making a cozy heat tent.
He is lying down now with head and tail tucked in, fully hidden in the drapes.
I have placed myself beside him so that my right shoulder picks up currents of hot air.
I think he is rather annoyed that I am intruding upon "his spot", as he keeps waging, and flipping his tail about.
Too bad for him, if he gets annoyed enough to leave, I'll place myself right infront of the vent.

I had intended to be on the treadmill at this point, then shower, then work on rough draft.
But it seems pretty rough just trying to stay awake. While Cheese and I were off, we stayed up late, and slept late, and now getting up a smidge after six seems truly cruel.

Cheese had a saying about him this morning, he said "You must take a chance, to have a chance.".
I like that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!

Wishing all who happen by, a great 2008.

Oh drat, I lost all the pretty changes I made to the type. Oh well.

You say you want a resolution, well you know, we all want to change ourselves..

Mine is to tie an action to each one of my dreams.

To put more action, and less wishing, into dreaming.

Rather standard fare. To eat healthier, to be more fit. To feel healthier and more fit, on all levels, mind, body, spirit.

To love better. My family, my life, the world, myself.

To establish a routine, where I automatically do things that need to be done, rather than have to think of it, and have time to debate the act each time.

Going to bed on time will be key to all other things falling into place.

My greatest resolution though, the one that I have heard calling to me these last few weeks, haunting, like the beating of a buried heart, is to finish the rough draft, and work on the manuscript, work on it, work on it, till it is truly done, till it is the best I can do, I can offer. To finish this one thing I feel called to do.

If at the end of this year, I have gained 40 pounds, eaten a bag of potato chips every day, fed my family pbj sandwiches, or food from a can, for dinner, and have to wade through several inches of dust to walk through my house, if all that, but...BUT I have written that story out, and am proud of the work I have done on it, then it will have been a fantastic year, the best year ever.

So knowing that, I step into 2008

I am grateful for all of those who walk along with me, both close and far.

Viva possibilities! :)