struggling

in garden, and in story.
Trying to do what needs to be done.
Finding it time consuming and hard

pre-struggle photos

Friday was Christmas in July

here is a clearly blurry picture

I was pleased with the way the window turned out, considering
that this winter, I forgot to buy the spray frost and snow stuff to cover the french doors in our kitchen. When I went out this past week looking for it, the sales people thought I was nuts...."um not now, but like around Christmas time you can find it"
So I used soap, wet soap,

and for the snowman and snowcat, I used white icing. (and sprinkles)


Cheese was pleased. I wrapped and hid a video game in the cookie tin, and chocolates in his stocking.
(I wish I would have put a few in my own)
I am rather positive he knows it is me (he wondered aloud what brand the chocolate covered pretzels I put in the syrup dispenser were). But still he enjoys it. Waking up midsummer to christmas decorations, some treats on the christmas cookie plate (first year I did it, with hot chocolate and sugar cookies. But Cheese never goes to bed at a reasonable hour, and gets up and down all night, so I am a bit too worn out to be ambitious.) and christmas music, and christmas cartoons on TV.

I wonder if he is soon to be too old for these extra holidays, or if I will be doing them till he goes off to college?

The week of them, I am quite stressed out, and especially on the night of the eve, when I am up til 2am when things go well, and past 4 when they don't, I think, "I really should stop doing this. Why am I doing this?" but then if in the morning Cheese is buzzing all about the house chattering merrily, then I feel it was all worth it. (unlike this easter which did not go well).
It will surely be more relaxing in future years when this time has past, but...it will also be a bit sad.

behind in everything.

Cheese had summer camp this week, 3-D animation at the college, and I fell to running errands.

Garden is not in good shape. I've got fungicidal spray, but it is currently raining, so that will have to wait.
I've started taking off the black spotted leaves, but there are so many, it is starting to seem more like a serious summer prunning. I've never gotten so pricked with thorns. And I am finding it quite hard to get all the fallen debris safely into a plastic garbage bag so I can keep it away from infecting any more plants. Blah, yuk, bah.

My writing has only made teeny progress. It is to be the priority of this week, as is doing at least one plant each day.

Bob and I have challenged each other, to see which one of us can reach their goal in two weeks. His is to lose 6 1/2 pounds, and mine is to finish the rough draft (not the editing of it, but the laying out of, beginning to end).

who's a good bug

I am not aware of this bug (whatever it is called) being a predator to Japanese beetles. And perhaps this scene, taken two days ago was just a fluke. Or perhaps this bug is some sort of renegade (minus the treachery).

Today when I visited this whisper rose, unlike its nearby twin who is convered in beetles, there was not a single beetle to be found on this plant, what I did find was this leggy bug standing alert and ready. So I consider him the guardian of this rose.

My roses are not doing well, black spot is getting them from the bottoms, and beetles from the tops. Ugh. I tend to them, but without great vigor. This concerns me, but I am choosing to put my time and energy into words. My goal is to get the entire story down in rough draft form before august places a fingertip to the lips of summer. And then by two weeks in to have the first rough draft edited enough to send about to family, for feedback. I don't know how much feedback they will give me (as far as I will be able to use for editing goes), but at least it is a start. And knowing they are waiting is helping to push me along forward, and knowing they will read it, will help me with the editing before I hand it over, as I do not wish to embarrass myself, or bore them to death.

I miss blog visiting I wonder what some of you are up to, and hope to visit you soon. But I am not good at doing a little of this and a little of that. I tend to get lost in activities, so I will only stop by if I have time after I have done my writing for the day.

working on my writng, plus we had a power-outage today.
(which kept me from showering or exercising, and from finishing the veg I tired to make to go with Linner/dunch. But I did work on my laptap till the battery ran out)
I hit 71,789 words. I had set 70,000 as the bar, so I have reached it. :)
Something I never thought I would be able to do.
Of course this last section I just finished putting in today, The Letters, has many messy sections, and needs to be organized better, and I imagine 2,000 words will be cut by the time I am done with that process.
But still I am pleased to have made it this far, and I am not done with the first rough draft, so it should surely be longer than 70,000 words. Which is a bit of a relief, because I was always worried it would be too short.
Then again who knows, how short it will be, after I finish the first rough draft, and go in and tidy the story up.

In related news, can tell the boys not thrilled that I am giving my time and energy to paper
(except for the cat, who likes knowing I will be sitting in one spot for long stretches of time)

I must surrender today, I have kept trying to hang onto it, to get more in, more done, but it has become Tuesday, and I must go to bed, the day is over.

Okay now it is officially Tuesday day.
I really do have a hard time juggling stuff. Yesterday was mostly cleaning up from trip, and switching the computer table from upstairs into the basement (had to take off the flat table part to do it), and the dining table in the basement upstairs (had to take off the legs), so that I could get Bob's computer out of my studio, and off my desk, along with them, and all their papers, and what not. How that computer ever got into my studio, I do not know, for at the end of the hall there is a much bigger room, we call the game room, and it has a computer desk, and two drawing tables in it. But no they didn't like their space, it was too messy, and the rug is dark blue. Ugh!!! Anyway, I decided to ignore their whining, took matters into my own hands, and banished them. Of course now I need to clean my studio and help them organize and beautify their space so they stay in it.
But...I am not doing that today. I have already spent a considerable amount of time in the garden, and still much more needs to be done, but I hope to get some writing in before Bob comes home in two hours, and we go to the pool, and run errands.

As I always need a pep talk
here is a song one

Jem- It's Amazing

Do it now
You know who you are
You feel it in your heart
And you're burning and wishing (or it might be) burning with ambition

At first wait, won't get it on a plate
You're gonna have to work for it harder and harder
And I know cause I've been there before
Knockin on the doors with rejection
And you'll see cause if it's meant to be
Nothing can compare to deserving your dream

[Chorus]
It's amazing it's amazing all that you can do
It's amazing, makes my heart sing
Now it's up to you

Paitence now, frustrations in the air
And people who dont care
Well it's gonna get you down
And you'll fall (fall)
Yes you will hit a wall
But get back on your feet
And you'll be stronger and smarter

And I know cause I've been there before
Knocking down the doors, wont take no for an answer
And you'll see cause if it's meant to be
Nothing can compare to deserving your dream

[Chorus]
It's amazing its amazing all that you can do
It's amazing makes my heart sing
Now it's up to you

Ooo-ooo-ooo
Don't be embarassed, don't be afraid, don't let your dreams slip away
determination in using your gift,
everybody has a gift
never give up, never let it die, trust your instincts and
most importantly, you've got nothing to lose, so just go for it

It's amazing it's amazing all that you can do
Its amazing makes my heart sing
Now it's up to you

It's amazing it's amazing all that you can do
It's amazing makes my heart sing
Now it's up to you
Ahh-ahh-ahh

a nearby beach, we go on one a little less crowded

The bikes we rented. No 6 year old girl could have been more thrilled than I to have such a pink bike to ride.

We had a good vacation.
Got back home Saturday 5-ish. Feels familiar yet strange to be home. The entire structure of a day is different.
vacation
Wake up, (Cheese, then Bob shower)
eat-doughut or carrot sticks for me, eggs or doughnuts for boys. (some mornings Bob would skateboard to local shop to get doughnuts and coffee)
bike ride on boardwalk, then through streets, and then some errands on bike or by foot
Noon- ish, hang out at place, boys watch TV, I write.
lunch for boys, same as dinner for me
Go to beach- play in sand (mostly Cheese), go in water (mostly Bob. Hey it was cold!), some days go for walk (all), look for shells (mostly Cheese, some me), sit in chair (Bob read mag, or book, or sleep) (Me, I actually worked on writing quite a bit, had printed pages before me, read and edited and mentally organized. The rest of time was given to ipod and daydreaming, or actively engaged in ocean watching or interacting with family). This activity (beach being) would last till, anytime between,- 5-8:30pm. 6:30/7 being most common.
Showers, TV, eating for boys (if eating in), me on computer working on writing. (Though Cheese did make me watch Zenon)
Walking on boardwalk, eat free samples, go into some shops, Cheese and Bob would often get dinner here, and we would all usually get dessert. (this activity would take about two hours)
Back at place, Cheese would shower again. If before 12:30, short bit of TV watching, reading.
Then bed prep. Asleep by 1am.

Bob is verbally lamenting being home. Cheese (who has declared he will from now on be called Shade) is busy catching up on computer time. And I am wondering, if I will keep up with, keep on with, my writing. And what our life might be like if we lived somewhere else.

It was very strange that I did work on my writing as much as I did. I tried to dissuade myself from it once or twice, as it was so present in my thoughts, that I worried perhaps I wasn't swimming deeply enough in the atmosphere of vacation. But when I thought it over, this is how I do vacation, only usually it is a book that I am reading that occupies my mind, that I open every chance I get, and dive into. Thinking and daydreaming are always standard, and no matter how I try, and I have tried, to quiet them, they just go on and on. So I decided to change the way I was thinking about it, from, Is this writing thing taking away from my vacation? to- If there was any ideal writing situation for me, what would it be? This. It would be this. Day upon day just like this trip. I had no responsibilites for feeding folks, we used paper and plastic, so not much cleaning to be done. My presence was needed, but there was plenty of time and space for personal mind drifting.

I would get up eat, work on computer a bit, go for a bike ride, think about the story, take in the beautiful surroundings, exchange a pleasantry or two with family when our bikes were side by side, then drift on again. After lunch there was more writing time on computer (we also recieved a very limited internet connection off and on, and I would stop by and update my word count when I could), then taking the already typed pages to the beach, I could read and edit them, see that some things needed shifting, interwoven with sights of the sea, scents of suntan lotion, sound of birds, and the soft familiar chatter of family (in the past, sometimes they stormed the castle of my reflective solitude, but this trip there was no tug and pull, we easily floated together then floated apart, always drifting nearby, so we could easily float together again.). Each interruption, a pleasnt break. My only frustration with the writing was the last day or so, when I really wanted to be able to print out more pages (the ones I had worked on while there), so I could sort through, physically rearranging stuff, so it would be easier to write the rest right. That is about where I am up to now that I am home; I need to print the stuff out, and fix the flow of ideas.

Piles all around, suitcases that need to be emptied, some clothes put away, others to wash, linens to wash, bottles of this, and bags of that, and piles of those, to be sorted and put away. A garden full of knee deep weedy edges, spent flowers clamoring to be cut away so new buds can form and bloom. The color seeping from the canvas, as countless beetles devour the petals, vampires sucking out color, leaving mere skeletons behind. A garden equal parts life and death. And I don't feel like a battle; I don't feel like doing any of it. I know I do care, a thousand sighs greet me as my eyes meet these sights, yet this voice in my head keeps saying "I don't care. Leave it there. Leave it all there!". And an echo from deep within breaks surface again and again, forming like a prayer "please, don't let go of the writing. Please let's keep going, moving forward. We really could do this you know. It might be really bad, but we could finish this, this story we started so long ago, really we can do it. Hold onto it. Hold on to it. Don't let go, please don't let go."

So here I sit today, and I don't know.

by the bye,
a little late in the game, but I finally figured out how the copy, cut, and paste thing works in my writing program :)

finally

a wonderful shirley poppy bloom. Countless seeds last year, with sad results. But this year, I shall have at least two plants of this kind, and several of some other type of shirleys. This girl makes me happy, when outside, I rush over to her and coo, telling her how pretty she is. Thanking her for growing, for blooming in my garden, now her garden. Our garden. I have heard that poppies reseed themselves wildly. Really? Really, 'cause mine never have. Now the cosmos they are a lively prolific bunch.



Right next to this poppy, which might be called falling in love, I should check I have sooooo many empty poppy seed packets and so little plants, I should find out who is who, and who never showed. Anyway right next to her is this site

the devastation of rose petals
by

these nasty J Beetles. I knock them off into this jar of water, letting petals fall in, and sometimes clipping the whole bud into the vessel, and then seal them up. I can't really imagine a good way of killing anything, but here they die among the flowers they devour.
I am soon off to the beach, just in time for what threatens to be days of rain. Hopefully we will have a good time anyway, and hopefully the threat of rain is over-estimated.
At any rate, the beetles will enjoy their vacation from me. And I will no doubt return to a roseless garden.

went to the pool on Sunday, Bob had given me a gentle talk, about how I need to work with time better, allot it for different things, not just be all or nothing, saying it was both good and bad, how I could become fully engulfed in a single activity. He told me I needed to take Cheese to the pool.

It was good to not be working on the house. I took my binder with the parts of the story I have been struggling with along with me, just as I had done the week before I started my cleaning week. And the strangest thing happened as I read over it, I didn't feel overwhelmed and confused, I felt calm and clear. I went through the pages feeling this part of the story, and added the connective pieces I needed to weave it together. I am not completely done, but I know it now. I'm not scared of it. I know how it feels, and how it moves, and how I am to walk through it. Breathing in sync. I was starting to think I would never be past this part of the story, the chapter(s) concerning the letters.

It feels sort of weird today to be on this side of it, it was too high, it was too deep, it was too wide, I couldn't do it. And then all I did was walk. I took a step forward and it was there. I didn't struggle for it, I didn't work hard, I just finally saw it. Earlier that day, I had looked at the boards I have been using for this story, and was struck by the fact that I am not far away from completing this draft, for the first time, I thought "wow you only have just a little bit more to go", and I think thinking that helped me a lot, as well as being apart from the story last week, and being upset about being away from it, and also after spending so much time cleaning/organizing, writing felt pleasant.

I am starting to feel like I may actually finish this thing, thank God.

Summer Chapstick. New flavors (all Jello flavors) I have added because it was really necessary :)
Lime- for gardening (vibrant and green, perfect)
strawberry-for going to the pool (it seemed right)
berry blue- smells like a blue snowcone (because cleaning makes me blue, very blue, and snowcones are happy, and you usually get them while doing things that are quite the opposite of cleaning, like while at carnivals, festivals, fairs, beaches...)

the basement

(picture of blooming broom, since I am trying to sweep stuff clean)

I didn't know I would find so much emotion there among all that stuff
it felt like a journey through time
boxes of stuff that belonged to my nana and pop
Cheese's baby clothes and toys
Bob's photos of his youth, and our courting, and little Cheese
It made me realize it is all going by so fast
I was struck by waves of nostaglia
and the sense of what has gone by and will not be again
And of the preciousness of today, the time we have together
and how fleeting it is
fleet feet of speed will carry it off
And suddenly I wish to drop the whole thing, and spend the time more happily with Cheese
Organizing the basement will wait till fall
but I do need to finish some of what I started there
for I do need to take more stuff out of the game/computer room, so that I can put the stuff Cheese took out of his room, in there. But I don't want to get buried in it. I don't want to miss our now.

garden
you may very well be able to fill three jugs, but you will only be able to carry two.
if you don't keep pulling off the dead blooms, new ones wont form.
despite your plans, things will bloom and grow, plant themselves, and also die off, in unexpected ways.
home
if you do it in a wussy way it wont work
(I failed to get the steam vac to clean the carpets, because I was being too ginergly about it, after 20 minutes of tinkering, and redoing, and retaching parts, I realized that I simply wasn't getting it sufficiantly wet and soapy for the machine to suck back up the dirty water. Felt really really dumb, when I figured out that was the problem.)
(the sink garbage disposal stopped working, I tinkered here and there to no avail. I though perhaps there was a re-start button, I thought I found a red one, and tried to push it, but nothing happened. Later Bob came home and fixed it, by pushing on the button harder than I had. This failure to push hard enough also caused me to be unable to work the oreck vacuum without help. Luckily Bob was home, to show me, that the reason it didn't go on when I hit the on botton was that I wasn't hitting it hard enough). I feel this bit of insight is from the universe, telling me that I need to apply myself with more force if I wish to accomplish what I set out to do. If it seems things don't work, than perhaps the trouble is merely that I am not working hard enough.