temporarily up to 88,310 words,
much of it very very very bad.
No flow at all, just sticking things in here and there, hoping that when I go back through later (later beginning anytime from an hour from now, till 10 years from now), I will know what belongs and what doesn't, will be able to toss out a bunch, weave together what is left, and hide all the seams. But the process feels bad right now, like trying to make a cake, and using any ingredient I come upon in the house, "Oh, look flour, peanut butter, pineapple, shrimp, cayenne pepper..." and just dumping it all in, no discernment, scarcely a thought, actively creating a huge mess.
Actively being the word I focus on.
The notion that I am taking some sort of action.
Moving forward? I don't know, but I am attempting to keep going, trying not to give way to standing still.
Soon I shall write here about yesterday, about the patheticness of having my 6 year old niece trying to calm a hyperventilating me down, while we were on a ( very very scary) ferris wheel designed for youngsters, at an amuesment park.
I showed much...um...vulnerability, and she showed much presence of mind, wisdom.