I'm watching my son play viva pinata right now (or rather trying to get credit for doing it, without having to do too much of it). I have my own garden on it, but I don't do well with the whole death aspect of the game. I've had three bunnycombs (bunny pinatas) get killed already (they are my favorite ones). To protect some, you have to whack the heck (life) out of others with a shovel. It reminds me of Harvest Moon, I couldn't believe it when my son's cow died on that game, whenever I do play it, I stock up on medicine, because I do not take it well even when I have to deal with death virtually. I guess these games are trying to give a circle of life type of experience, still I wish I could play them without getting so upset (actually I wish I could play them without my favorite characters getting eaten or getting sick and dying) (Do I really need a dose of reality with my animated pinata garden?) ( I think not). The pinata animals don't all get along either, they fight sometimes, and kill each other. When I play, my son screams all sorts of directions at me, rattling my nerves, because my reaction times are too slow, and I keep forgetting which button does what. (he isn't falling for it, knows I am typing, not watching him play, he is talking a lot, and turning back to look at me, making sure I look at everything he is trying to show me, which is everything).
I am not sleeping well this week. I hate insomnia. I think I am watching the news too much. (my husband said," just because you like to look at a gay man in his suit is no reason for you to be watching so much news, you never watched so much before, it isn't good for you."). Yeah well, last night I taped the man in his suit and watched Medium, but that never has any good bedtime stories in it either. I admit, all this stuff is mixing together in my mind, the pillow angel (how sad for her parents), the boys just found (Shawn and Ben. It is such a miracle they are back, but the whole thing is horrifying), and the death of my 14 yr old cousin. I look at my son sleeping at night (I am checking on him more and more again. I had gotten better this past year, but now...I feel again that I can not be sure, sure that he is ok. ) and he reminds me of my cousin, I can see her face in his (and I think, my god what if I went to wake him up in the morning, and I couldn't, what if that was it, he was gone, no more time?), now I have always had this fear, ever since he was born (SIDS), but as he got older, I knew, my fear was no longer based in reality, but now, that is what happened to my cousin, not SIDS of course, her heart just stopped beating, yes she did have medical problems, which he does not, but still we never thought this would happen (she had surgery in the summer, she was getting better, we thought she was going to be ok. better than ok). That this is the way that life is, the way life can be, makes me nervous. I don't want to ever have to say to myself, if only I had done _________, if I just had not looked away for that second, etc., of course one way or another to some degree, every life has these, I can't really avoid them, but I want them to be smaller things, things that still have time left in them. I have always considered myself to be a paranoid, and over protective parent, and I have worked toward loosening up a bit, but all this stuff lately isn't helping, right now I don't feel paranoid at all, I feel justifiably vigilant. (ok, and I little bit crazy, but not the kind of crazy that can be helped).
When my grandparents died, in their 80's, I felt like if I could know, really know that they were/are ok, then I would be too. Like if you know for sure that some sort of heaven is real, and they are there, then it is ok that they have died (not happy about it, but I can accept it, and be ok with life). But with my cousin, just 14, I realize that even if I did know 100% for sure, that she was/is in heaven, and happy, and healthy, well it still wouldn't be ok with me, that she is gone, it is too soon, I'm not ready, none of us are. I can't reassure myself like with my grandparents. My nana even said, that if it was nothing (when you died) that was ok with her, she had a full life, and she was tired, and nothing sounded very peaceful to her. But 14 that is just a beginning...
so yeah, I'm not too peppy. And when I am not sleeping well I am more suseptible (ugh, I need spell check!) to getting depressed, with, and about, and from, things that normally, I'm ok with. I was looking at my son's face yesterday (I had watched Oprah, and had looked at Carly Simon's children noticing, how much her son looked like his dad, Oprah commented on it. The daughter she was a blend, not particularly resembling either), and I was wondering who he would turn out to look more like, so I said it, "I wonder when you grow up, if you will look more like me or more like your father?" and he said "Well I sure hope I end up looking more like him". I nodded my head, figuring it was a masculine identification response (he would want to look like the male, being male), but then he went on to say "I mean can you imagine that nose on my face? ugh!". I am sensitive about my looks because I am not what is considered pretty, but I mean for the most part it doesn't really matter, (I mean yeah, I'm not pretty, but so what? I forget about it all the time, as long as no one says anything to me about it, and no one is mean enough to show me any pictures of myself, then I am just fine, I 've got this internal airbrushing filter in my eyes/brain when I look in the mirror, it is very helpful. And there are much more important things in life, to worry about, and to enjoy, to spend ones time on) but it still hurts if your child is going to be like "ugh yuck, I don't want to look like you". And I didn't think I was asking him if he wanted to look like me ( I don't think I would have walked right into that question), I was thinking over alls not particulars, even in his over-all face shape, eyes, and lips, I can't tell who he favors, he is all blends, and his own I suppose, my husband's full lashes, but with the dark color of mine, his Dad's hair texture, but the color dark like mine, his eyes the shape and color lifed from and changed from ours, mixed together, something entirely new.
so here's hoping no one dies on anything I watch tonight (Grey's could be tricky), and that no one wanders up to insult me.
My son is so many levels ahead of me in this game, the pinata one, I'm like on 10 and he is on 31, because I play with fear, and stop playing when things go badly, but he takes his loses head on, (he was upset when his cow died. He cried for a day or two when his favorite character on Animal Crossing left town), and then he moves on, and learns new strategies to implement, he keeps making adjustments and learning, and doesn't take the loses personally, doesn't give up, hopes things will work out better in the future, and tries to make it so, his garden is so much bigger than mine and has so many more creatures in it, and he does reach his goals (the ones that are under his control. that darn character still hasn't moved back to his town a year later), and then he sets out new ones, and he stays focused on things, without getting stuck on them, he still enjoys other aspects of the game, while keeping his goal in mind, noticing when opportunites present themselves, or can be created. I wonder if he will aproach (ugh doesn't look right, approach?) life that way? I wonder if I will ever be able to even approach the game that way?
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