Dreams

dreams. Isn't it boring to listen to other people prattle on about the dream they had last night? ok, so here I go.. not last nights, I'm still not sleeping well, but my favorite and worst. none are current. I found the one when going through old notebooks looking for pieces of the story I am working (or not so much working on) and the one reminded me of the others

Actually the absolute worst dream I ever had I wont tell, because there is no way I will type those words, and also I am superstitious about it. It does though, still, (what was it fall of 1999) haunt me, I try to forget it. I didn't see anything bad, I was told something horrible in it, from an angel riding a bicycle, no wings, just a bike (if you ever see her in your dreams, run like hell, with your fingers in your ears).

there was also the dream were I was possessed. Horrible at time, and for awhile afterward, but kind of funny to me now, I wont go into it (this is the oldest dream on this list). I didn't do anything in it, but see myself in mirror as not self, and walk around, all slow old movie style creepy. (moving like a floaty, creepy, version of someone walking on the moon)

and there was the dream where some sort of cord, silver white, whatever, was attached to me around the ankle or legs, and it kept trying to toss me out into the universe, and I kept trying to get back down to the ground. Like swimming through the air, trying to reach land. (if I liked roller coasters and the like, maybe it would have been fun, but I don't). No being tossed about the universe for me, thank you very much.

The best dream I ever had, the jellyfish dream. I was a jellyfish, I know it doesn't sound great, but it was, it was like flying (which by the way I don't do in dreams), all weightless and gliding, and sliding through the water, and spinning a bit, it just was so much fun. But being me (even me the jellyfish) at some point I started worrying about stuff, what if a shark eats me, what if, blah blah blah, so then I was transformed into a reed or something (I was attached to something), some sort of plant life in the sea, and I was all flexible, and swayed this way and that way with the water, it was great, but still I worried, what if this, and what if that, surely something will eat me, and then I became a dolphin, and swam through the water, and broke the surface, jumping, it was just the most fantastic dream. The feeling, in the water, even with the fears coming to my mind, still I felt so free, and giddy. At some point can't remember why, I was me again, in a house at the beach, I looked out the slidding glass window, I wanted to go outside, but it was dark, pure darkness (I am afraid of the dark), so I didn't, I stayed where I was, and then I heard the sounds of children, laughing playing, somewhere just outside the door, in some water, and I walked out, and as I did my eyes adjusted and I could see, and by the time I got to the kids, it was light out, and we all played in a shallow little tide pool. When I woke up, I thought about how great it was that everytime I was afraid, I was shown it was ok. but still if I ever get to be a jellyfish again, I really hope I can just go along and enjoy it, and not worry. (I mean really I don't think sharks eat jelly fish. Does anything?)

the next two dreams, I will call important dreams, which sounds odd but to me they were.
I had this dream where I was being chased (I used to always get chased in dreams, spent my nights running. never made me any thinner), this version, involved dogs and wolves, chasing me, ran to the house, I hid inside, they were howling outside the doors, scratching at them, I was so scared, in basement, running about from room to room, where should I hide, where would be safest, ran upstairs, closing doors behind me, a weird looking woman appeared, she seemed part animal, but also somehow part of me, all of a sudden, she went over to the window, flung it open and jumped out, from this side of the house it was a two story drop, she landed safely and looked back up at me, and I heard her say or rather felt her think, "we can do this, you and me, this is something we can do, this is a power we have". And then she walked away, disappeared. I watched for a moment in shock, then I heard the scratching again, they were still coming, coming to get me, I was terrified, where could I hide?, I could hear the dogs getting in, they were in the house, I was running from room to room, looking for a safe place, closing doors behind me, finally they were at the last door, and I was just standing there in the center of the room, and the door was opening, and I was so scared, and I didn't know what to do, and then a massive doberman broke into the room, running, charging at me, lunging.. it was all so fast, I didn't know what to do, a blur, and then, my finger up to my face, tucking the tip of a furry ear into my mouth, the last bit of the dog. I woke up and felt so sick to my stomach, I really thought I was going to throw up. Ugh, I ate the dog, how could I do that? that is so disgusting. I felt so gross. I don't think it was till a day later, that I realized what had fully happened, I had eaten the dog! It had come charging at me, I felt powerless, and didn't know what to do, and instead of it getting me, I had devoured it, swallowed it whole. I had eaten the dog!! I had eaten the dog!! Never before had I won. It didn't get me, it wasn't more powerful than I was. Suddenly I was proud of it, I ate the dog. It really was an important dream for me, I don't have running dreams anymore, I am not chased. This was years ago, and after it, I realized I wasn't powerless, no I don't run after my aggressors with a fork, but I never will spend night after night running. It hasn't even come up in years, but whenever, after that dream, I would get into a bad dream jag, I would be able to tell myself to look for a door or a window, and when I would go through it I would be somwhere else, somewhere "safe", and after I was able to do that, any sort of variation on those sorts of dreams stopped. If they ever start again, I will have to work my way back up to it, but the thing is now I know that I can, which I suppose is why they don't happen.
In my actual life I do get scared, and run from things, even working on, trying to write my book, and lately I have been thinking, that I should just stand still, and let it happen, feel the horrible feelings, and terror, and stop getting up from my computer and walking away and attempting to hide when I am scared. I should force myself to stand my ground, stay here, let it charge me, and eat the dog. Yes, it will be awful and I will feel sick, but once I have eaten the dog, I will know I am greater than it, that I do have power, and just like how I can now dream stronger, maybe I would be able to become stronger in other ways. Stop being such a wimp, and just eat the dog!

The other dream, the healing dream. (Real life background-My grandparents had been dead about 2 years, my Brother had bought their house.) In the dream I was walking on their property (I love that land), and I went over to the woods, and all the trees were chopped down, just stumps, and I knew it was someone else's land now, someone had bought it, it wasn't mine, not my home anymore, and it would never be, it was gone, it was like losing my grandparents again, losing a part of them that was left, that I could hold on to, and walk through, their home, their land, no longer would I be able to touch it, and I started to cry. I decided to walk through the woods one last time, to say goodbye, and when I passed one of the tree stumps, it seemed to move, a carving on it, was alive, it looked like a snake on a staff (my grandfather was a doctor), and it swayed and sort of hissed at me a bit (but not menacingly, just to draw my attention to it, so I would see it), and a voice said "this means healing, this will be healing" (there are more details I am sure I am leaving out now, it is written down in some notebook in my home, but these are the parts I easily remember). I felt, this is so sad and horrible but it is going to be ok, I am being told it is going to be ok. Then I woke up.
1pm that day my Brother calls me, he is hedging a bit, he wants to tell me something but is afraid to, he just got promoted and they are moving to another state, they are selling our grandparents house. And it was horrible, and I didn't want them to move, I wanted that house to be in our family forever ( I couldn't and can't afford to buy it), but I had just had that dream, which had made such an impression on me I had written it down when I woke up. So I kept repeating to myself "this will be hard, but this means healing" "this will be healing", this is sad, you are sad, but you will be ok. And it still does make me sad, but I do think I needed to let go, and move on, and the dream has helped me, because it came to tell me first, it came first to help me. It makes me feel less alone, less apart from them, that I would be given such a warning, and a little pat from the universe. Yes, when my Brother bought the house, he did say he would not be living there forever, that at some point he would get promoted and move. But I only had that dream once, I never had any dream about them moving before that night, just that one dream, just the night before he called to tell me, just exactly at the point when I needed it most. And it might seem silly to hold onto a dream so, to take strength and help from it, but if it helps, it helps, and I needed to receive that message, to hear that idea, that even though it was going to be hard, and painful, that this was to be healing for me, something that needed to happen (something that I needed to have happen), another way of saying goodbye, so there would be more space inside me for my own life to unfold. (like my Pop sending out a final prescription to me, this medicine is going to taste real bad, and you will feel sicker for awhile, but taking it, is your best chance for getting better, you will get better). So you can say just my subconsious picking up on clues pulling together and feeding it back to me, if you want, I don't mind, it doesn't matter why or how I had it, I am just grateful that I had the dream, I could not imagine going through it without having had that dream. If it was just me telling me, I was going to be ok, well I am glad somewhere I knew that, and told myself so.

so I hope I sleep tonight, and I hope I dream, it would be great to be a jellyfish again (they fascinate me, I love watching them at aquariums, the way the light goes through them, the way they float and glide). And tomorrow I hope I wake up and don't sense any dogs howling or scratching at the doors, I hope I can just go about my work with positive inspiration, but if they do come, I hope I will have the courage to eat the dog. That is what I will tell myself from now on when I get scared of words on a page, or the lack of words on a page, "Eat the dog!". (ya big sissy, just eat the dog already), then maybe the dogs wont keep coming, or maybe they will get smaller, over time, till they are like a tea cup pom.