writing reject

I found the first half of American Idol Wednesday exhausting. It is so sad, when people really want something so desparately, it is their dream, and it just isn't going to happen. I wonder if my writing will be like that, like a gag reel, when I finally finish it, and show it to someone. I mean I don't think we can truly know, truly hear ourselves clearly. Yes in singing, and in writing (esp. with poetry) I can tell when it is really bad (screech, clang), but other times, I can't tell. It is me, my voice, the one I have always heard, it doesn't sound odd to me. I know I can't sing, because people have always told me so, though I do love to sing, and often enough my voice sounds perfectly fine to me. What if it is the same with my writing? What if I am tone deaf, and don't know it, foolishly going forward with a dream in my heart, till the one day when I am judged, and they say " Dawg, this just isn't for you man, no, sorry". Unless I am really unlucky and they scowl at me and look annoyed at my having wasted their time bothering and annoying them with such ridiculous aspirations when I clearly suck. What then? Well of course then I would feel stupid for having let myself dream the dream. And for spending my time with research and characters, and in make believe worlds, it would seem silly, dumb, crazy. But would I regret it...? I think I would regret the dream, because I would feel I had failed it, but I wouldn't regret the activity, the time spent, the books, the research, the characters, for at any rate they are informing me, and the stories would come anyway, and be part of me either way, so there is nothing to regret in that, it is who I am. And my security blanket would be, of course the great thing about writing is, as long as there is time (one is still alive) there is space to sustain hope, for one can always work on craft, and read a lot, and improve. I should plan on living to be 102, and start now, and get better over the years.

Anyway I couldn't imagine going round without a story in my head, I suppose it is like a song in ones heart, something to whistle in the dark, or hum when alone. Though all together more frustrating. (like a song in ones heart that you can't remember all the words to, but it keeps playing on and on just the chorus and the one or two lines you do know, entertaining, frustrating, and annoying you).

It does pull me away from other activities though, and at times from other people. But then part of that just is my nature, when we are on vacation or a day trip, I like sitting on the beach, or a bench reading a book, of literature, or how-to write, or research, that is fun for me. I like being in both worlds at the same time. As long as no one tries to talk to me when I am actually writing. I am thinking now about how I do, and how I don't connect with other people, which really has nothing to do with how I will feel if my writing never is any good, except I guess, if I would become a good writer, or any kind of published writer (good, bad, mediocre) it would sort of justify some of my personality traits, and ways of being.