Friday, June 27, 2008

my closet

(what you want I should publish a photo of my closet instead?)

I am still doing the same thing, now on day 3.
I have certainly bitten off more than I can chew, it is not so much the closet, but of course I am not just doing the closet, the closet is 99% done, no it is the drawers, and my son's room, and the game room, and the basement, stressing me. For some reason I decided everything needed a shift, and now I stand here mid-shift and wonder, what the H was I thinking? I have boxes of stuff from son's room in the hallway, that we will go through and stuff will be set up in the game room, I have started carrying stuff from the game room down to the basement (took bunch of board games, and puzzles, and old toys down yesterday), but I also have to clean and organize the basement for this to work. I should have just stuck to the closet, I am having a most unsummery feeling. ( and I may perhaps be...well I know I am, spreading my unsummer disease to those around me. Though Cheese and I did take a break yesterday to make coffee cake, and made quite a mess doing so).

Anyway I have not popped in to talk of that, no.
It is the closet, and the drawers that are talking to me
in a most unexpected way
you see now that I've tucked into boxes all that is too small, or wintery
and into bags, what is to be given away, or to go to recycle fabric place
I get to look at what is left
not that much, and nothing much in the way of anything I wish to wear
(except for those odd little golf shorts and skorts I was unable to talk myself out of buying at TJ Maxx)
On the shelf I have many a nicely folded pile of t-shirts that Bob has bought me, on sale, all in colors and styles not me
I expected to meet that reality
the surprise is my pajamas, as I go through the drawers, I find I have bought all the pj bottoms, in funny little prints, and girlie colors, but as I fold the tops, and the tanks, one after the other, I find I bought none of them, Bob bought them all, top after top in neon colors, and bizarre prints, the entire contents of a drawer.
It is a small thing on the one hand, but I find something lurking in it...a surrender, of not being responsible or present.
When did I decide this was okay? That this was how it was going to be? Why are any of my drawers and shelves filled with clothes I don't like? In colors that hurt my eyes? Why did I give him this power? He asked for it, or rather took it, telling me not to shop, bringing home whatever colors and styles he found on extreme sale.
I would like to trade in all my 99 cent tops for just three in the right colors. Three that I liked. And we are talking t-shirts (long and short sleeved) and tank tops here, not anything that costs big bucks. And we are not poverty stricken. Part of me just wants to dump the lot of it right now, and go buy three short sleeved t-shirts for day, (the long t's can wait till fall) and three tank tops for sleeping, in colors and styles that make me smile. Soft pink, pale purple...

It is sort of weird how you just go along not noticing/attending things, and then one day, you are suddenly faced with it, and finally see it. It is not a big deal certainly, but still I am struck by it, oddly, the when and the why of it. Time for me to attend to that which matters to me, no matter that it is a small thing, the beauty of it being a small thing, is it should be easier to shift it.


Mediterranean Views said...

These realizations come as we mature and develop a clearer view of who we are and what we really like. We also can say I deserve to have what I want, especially now that I know what it is.
I have realized something similiar recently with my clothes, byt mny mother was the procurer, not my husband. The clothes that were the best quality, the staples that lasted for years, the dressier things I only wear occasionally when a proper opportunity appears, were all either gifts from my mother before she died (in 2001) or were hers and I brought them back to Spain with me after she died.
As the quality clothes, more expensive than I have spent on clothes on myself since my daughters have been over 8 or 10, begin to be worn, I realize I need to DECIDE myself what to invest in, what style has become mine with the changes of life style I have chosen, etc..
It felt like I had to grow up and become independant from my mother all over 45.
These musings are very insightful and important to our growth. Now you must decide how you will evolve from this realization.

To keep you forging forward, keep a clear vision of the un-cluttered, organized result you will have by MONDAY!

Remember, to let in the new, you must clean out the old, unused, unliked, to make room for the new beauty that will enter.

Hugs from Spain, Amy

Taffiny said...


Thank you. (for your own insights and encouragement)

It is simple, yet somehow it also manages to be quite hard.

I wish you well on your own journey of creating a vision of self that fits just right. I am sure emotions make it much harder, when it comes to clothes from your mom. My basement has plenty of stuff in it that belonged to my nana and pop, stuff I don't use, but seem unable to part with.

Clarity of vision, something I need to strive for, for conviction of vision would thus follow.

I think that is what is rather bothersome about it all, trying desperately to find room enough to house all the clothes I don't like. I have just weeded out a lot, but I will probably have to take some of the rest of it in stages, slowly making room for what feels right.

Thanks again.
I should be asleep right now.
I do fully intend to read you blog tomorrow.