Just petals on the wind

This was our cherry tree, but it's gone now.

I've let myself be blown about lately, just petals on the wind. NaNoWriMo? What was that I was doing? But I am happy to say that I planted 64 tulips, and had no physical problems. I felt so good that I almost canceled my doctor's appointment for Tuesday the 13th. But I did go, and was shocked when she took my odd on and off again stuff seriously enough to refer me to neurologist. Well I'm sure the neurologist will be dismissive, but I'll have to wait at least four months to find out.

     I let that information carry me farther away, by wondering whether I should or shouldn't take her concerns that I make sure I don't have MS seriously. An unsettled energy invaded me, making me a restless errand runner, flitting about in my car from place to place in pursuit of nothing of particular importance, hoping the pace would offer some peace. Of course I have decided there is no point in concerning myself about it, too many various possibilities, and too much time between wondering and knowing to waste with worrying.

    But still it is in my nature to research. So instead of writing and working on my novel, I take books with various illness titles out of the library and read them. Some seem a possible fit in some ways, but not at all in others. Things can be symptoms of things, but can also be nothing. And when I sit at my computer, I don't go to NaNo, I google health stuff. And so it is that I have landed on MS versus Celiac Disease. Apparently there are a lot of neurological things that can go on with Celiac. So starting the day after Thanksgiving I'll be starting a 4 week gluten free trial to see if my whatever they ares improve. Which means more research and reading for a gluten free diet, and lots of time spent reading the backs of packages at the grocery store.

   At times this past week I have been super frustrated with myself for this waste of time and energy. But forget it, I'm cutting myself some slack. My doctor intentionally worded it, to try and scare me- talking about plaques on my brain building up and getting worse over time. Verbally she threw ice cold water all over me, so of course I'm going to take notice. She did this so I would actually do the follow up appointments and testing. She seemed shocked that I had let this stuff accumulate over the past year without coming to see her, and I was shocked that she thought I should have. So honestly what other response but concern could I conjure.

Hopefully now-I've adjusted and adapted. Reminding myself nothing has actually changed. Tests ordered to rule stuff out are common procedure. So I'm getting out of those cold water soaked clothes, and dressing in something warm and dry. Mentally I needed to fray, but now I need to mend. Time to be getting back on track, settled down and working on writing (and a bit of cleaning. Where oh where is my house elf?).

Actually it is reassuring to know that when I have looked up all the info I can and can't go any further with figuring any of this stuff out, and I am too tired to run any more senseless errands (both of which are points I have reached already), that there is this other world waiting for me. A world roughly written across two notebooks. A place I can get lost, and found, in. Now if only I can imagine typing this stuff up like it is a warm bath I am stepping into, rather than like it is masses of great tangled Christmas tree lights, I shall be forever untangling.

The squirrels unplanted 12 of my tulips- they do that again and...and...I'll..I'll (okay I'll probably just shake my fist at them, but I'll imagine myself flinging them about the yard by their tales. Oh yes PETA that is what I'll be imagining)