Sunday, September 27, 2009

My husband saw this photo the other day, that I took on a day trip to the shore, and sadly used it to to check for hair loss on the back of his head.  Perhaps I should have told him why I took it.  I was walking a few paces behind them (because my right foot hurt), and as I looked forward (wondering who these people were that I was hobbling after and why I was bothering) thought, "that is my whole life right there in front of me, my whole world contained in two people."  Now I don't mean I am not about anything else, for of course I am.  What I mean is, I felt how deeply important they are to me.  I felt there inherent value in my life, and how connected we are.  I am a mom and a wife, and in the whole world, these are my people, and I am theirs'. And it was all good, it was better than good. My family, our family, us. There was peace in it, contentment, and a bit of that wispy butterfly...happiness.

And lately I am finding that my happiness is not wispy and sheer, feelings of joy do flutter, they come and go, intense for a moment then fade, I do often feel tired (and look it), and I am still surprised by how often I get stressed out over things that ultimately don't matter, but as I get older I find that underneath these moments of feeling, running through connecting all to each other, is a stability of feeling which I would call at its core happy. I would not describe it as the happiness of giddy laughter, but the happiness of things feeling right. We are still working on the details, as individuals, and as a family,  of how we want to be in the world, and how we want to be with each other, but it's good. It's better than good. And I am grateful. Grateful to have these two people to hobble after on a sunny hot August day, these people who can really drive me nuts.  My people. My family. Us. I don't want to be part of any other story.

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