Saturday, July 25, 2009


I've never had a summer of so little sleeping ( well except of course for when my son was a baby). I don't know what's wrong. Nothing exciting is happening, nothing stressful. But for some reason I am fighting to sleep. I am always tired, so each night I feel grateful as I climb the stairs, and plop myself into bed. But I am also wary and weary, anticipating the struggle, that stands in place of the longed for serenity of sleep.

I'm exercising so it isn't the lack of being physically tired. And now I keep thinking I'm running out of days, too soon it will be September and I will have less time and more stress, taking away sleep. (which of course isn't helping me relax and go to sleep, "hurry up and sleep now, who knows when you will get this chance again!"

I keep wondering if it is the writing, I mean the lack of it, perhaps creating a subconscious gnawing feeling, like hunger that keeps one awake, the distant uneasy feeling of something left perpetually undone. I don't know if that could be it, that seems too simple, but then as it is so simple why not try it? yet somehow I resist again and again doing it to see if that would make a difference. I know I wander in unease at night. My body seems still, my mind seems still (filled with nothing), but I am perpetually wandering in a place of unease, that lies vast and long, between being awake, and being asleep. I set my daydreams in my mind, as I have always done, to lead me from one state to the next, but I keep losing them along the way, and am lost in nothingness.

An unusual photo to pick. I was looking for one blurry and grey, a blue rain day. But this one called to me instead. The fire somehow being sleep, bright in the darkness, and the one tending the fire, being a gate keeper of sorts, the one who would keep me out, or invite me in. And that is my riddle, what tasks must I do so the guardian of sleep will let me enter. (if I knew how to photo shop, I could be rid of the chair, which detracts, but perhaps then that represents the so far, immovable object)

6 comments:

Diatton said...

I saw 2 impressive things so far in your blog and i wanted to write them to you. First the fact that you like writting (i like too) and second that you are too old in the field of blogs. You started in 2006, as i saw. It's admirable, you know...

I just came here randomly my net friend. Have always a nice time...

Taffiny said...

Diatton,

too old in the field, ouch. Maybe that is one of the reasons why I find it harder to post as often as I used to. I guess writing is my favorite frustration. It is good to know others who also enjoy writing. I hope you as well have a nice time. (randomly or non-randomly)

strugglingwriter said...

Try not to fret too much about the writing. I went through that a few months ago and just now worked my way out of it. I had to switch to writing on paper. That helped, though.

Anyhow, I hope things improve with the sleep.

Taffiny said...

Paul,
Still not so good, but I wouldn't dream of complaining to someone with a baby in the house. :)

Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm trying to use the back to school, back to order thing, to help me get my pencils all sharpened up and my mind ready to get back to work. I never did get writing on my summer schedule but I already have the time marked out on my fall one.

Elise said...

Hello, just wanted to leave you a comment to say how much I've enjoyed reading some of your posts today. You have a great site, wonderful pictures and writing.

Best wishes !

Taffiny said...

Elise,
Hi; welcome; and thank you. :)