been wasting time in a totally non writerish way lately. Time to accept that the new computer I had anticipated having by now, and was waiting for, wont be in my life anytime soon. So as long as this old apple is still working, I should be working.

A week ago we went to Longwood Gardens and saw Bruce Munro's light installment. Loved it. My only complaint was- more more more. I wanted more lights in more places. It was like walking through a fairyland. My inner child and inner writer were delighted. Now if only I could learn how to release enchantment on to a page.

Wasting time in a wannabe writer way.

Spent last two hours looking at photos online, searching for images for my characters. Still struggling with my main man Kin, but I have found faces for some surrounding characters, which actually is good, since sometimes they can be blurry and less developed for me. So giving them a concrete image, forces them more clearly into focus. Only thing is, now I have a headache, my eyes feel like they are crossed, and nausea is setting in. A.K.A I haven't actually gotten any writing done, and I am not going to.

I don't usually go for pretty characters, but this particular story (JAD) does call for it, and, honestly models and actors via TV, the internet, and magazines, are the easiest resource to glean images and thus likenesses from. I mean I know what my characters look like, but I can't picture them precisely. They are always slightly out of focus when created with just my imagination. So it helps if I can tether my image to an actual person.

glug glug glug- just chugging along, typing up notebook stuff. It's disarray (no not in disarray- it is disarray itself).- with one notebook page spanning three totally different parts of the story. Oh how I am not looking forward to all the work it will take to get this story typed up and in proper order.

On the upside (I think), I've realized this story, JAD, can actually have a sequel. I've never had that in a story before. Though come to think of it, I do have a set with a prequel- Fresh Oranges, but the two stories basically stand alone- not having the same characters or anything- and I don't plan on ever publishing the story (Primrose) that came before it. So anyway- I am excited by the prospect of a story with two books. But of course, that means that my notebook now also has bits and pieces of JAD2-fire in the sky, scattered throughout it. Make that notebooks. I have been hesitant to get to the work of typing stuff up, because I am having computer problems- the kind that can't be resolved with this computer. The lovely people at apple told me I can't buy more memory-I am outdated all around-no replacement parts available-and the only upgrade that will fix her, is a whole new computer. Oh and we already turned our vacation into a staycation because our refrigerator died and had to be replaced. Blogger itself keeps announcing I am not compatible with it. Blah. Blek. Stop harassing me, I'd upgrade to google chrome if I could.

So I consider taking the time to type stuff up risky- as I will surely have a meltdown of epic proportions if I can't transfer it to my new computer. But who knows when I will actually have a new computer. And I can't spend the entire summer doing yard work, tending to my flowers- watering them, battling heat waves, the husband, neighbors, and Japanese beetles- all hell bent on killing my plants. Oh infernal weed whacker how I hate the sight of a man holding ye.

Yard work is good though, for writing passively. While watering I realized that more than one story has an angel in it, and several have supernatural or fantastical elements. And I became concerned about whether or not my different stories all have a shared mythology. Of course they don't need to have one- each one can play by its own rules- but of course I want them all to have one (a shared mythology)- for them all to exist together. So I am working on that too, weaving my own universe- a glistening web, that all the little separate planets- worlds of story, can cling to together. And for some reason, even though I haven't even accomplished it yet- the thought of all my little ones under the same umbrella feels right-knowing that they will all fit, and work together, makes me happy.

Whenever I get a new computer- I will be very excited as I will actually be able to share more recent photos on my blog. Don't be surprised if you find October awash in pictures of my May garden. Now let's see if blogger is willing to post this.

Been busy. Still jumping back and forth on writing projects- currently I have been working on JAD, which stands for Just a Dream, or Just a Daydream, since it started from a dream I had, that I then kept going with spinning a daydream around it at night to help me to fall asleep. And after a couple of months I figured what the heck, I'll write it down and see where it goes. I have learned something from doing this, while my story stories (intentional attempts at novel writing) tend to be lacking in the dialogue department, my daydreams have plenty. So I have to figure out, what is so different about them (and my approach to them)- why is one heavy on speaking and the other on narration. I'm just about stopped now though, as I'm actually at the point where I need to do- what else- research! for it. I need to develop it's mythology.

But, I haven't yet, because I am reading The Nine Lives of Chloe King (did I mention that I have decided for sure that I am a YA writer, because that totally justifies reading teen novels, and watching ABCFamily.). And because I have been super busy digging holes- planting stem cuttings, divisions, and several hydrangeas I found on clearance at Lowes, and then watering watering watering- in hopes that they will take. (while my body has added some slight jerks and twitches to the fray- and still can plague me when I try to stand still on a smooth surface- for some reason I have no trouble at all traipsing up and down the hillside.)

I'm re-envisioning the back bank. It's a lovely stretch of yard steep and shady, where many plants have gone to die. Their suffering was due to my lack of accepting the reality of the situation. Now I am trying bigger things-and things that say part sun on the tag. I also gave the trees there all a crew cut. Actually they are bushes and shrubs, but I pruned them to look like little trees (and I don't care how they or anyone else feels about this. Summer haircut!) A neighbor gave me some hostas last fall. And they have made a spectacular difference. I never thought I liked hostas, but trade in a bunch of weeds, for tidy white edged loose spirals of leaves, and yeah-hostas are awesome. And with this bit of encouragement, my mind is looking freshly at the bank, and coming up with other strategies. Like something that had never occurred to me before- planting hydrangeas along the edge at the top.

As I stood there today watering my new plantings- I thought about a speaker on writing and a book on it that I had read- that both mentioned the importance of being able to re-dream your story. That there is the initial version- but that the key is being able to let go of the first version of it, and re-dream, re-envision, re-imagine it. Frankly I never really pushed myself in this direction. I always kind of just let things in my stories, unfold, and evolve, and take me where they are going. But my yard has surely shown me something- how long it takes my thinking to evolve. That my mind isn't as open to seeing all the possibilities that are truly available, as I think it is. But that though it can take half way to forever, if I keep trying, and moving on away from what doesn't work, trying different strategies, something beautiful can still be created where I failed many times before.

So I am trying to open myself up- in my yard, and in my stories- to the power of re-imagining. Re-dreaming till I find the dream that can be made real.

Mind-set reset

    Sometimes I suppose I am but a Winnie-the pooh type, dragging my own Piglety self ever round in circles tracking imagined woozles in the snow. Like magazines, my life covers the same topic year after year. For me, progress involves a lot of time, and occurs in small increments- be it my weight, my writing, and lately my balance. I am trying really hard to ditch negative mindsets.

Last summer I was jogging trying to lean into an image of myself that would be fit, healthy, vital. Then in October the balance stuff started. And it has been a struggle to not see myself through the lens of someone who is unwell in some way. I finally came to the self dx of disembarkment syndrome (Mal de Debarquement Syndrome) and that has really helped me, because it is self limiting, not progressive, and doesn't effect lifespan or anything. But still on a bad day when I try to do something regular, like walk up a small incline, use a public restroom, get out of the car, scrub anything, and I end up feeling like I am ninety, my mindset tends to suffer. So it will take time for me to get used to this and all the minor adjustments I need to make; to be prepared for feeling wonky, but not to expect it.

Now today- Today was a good day. This morning I went to the park and walked by myself. The sort of thing I have hesitated to do because of the hide and seek quality of my equilibrium; one moment I am fine, the next I can feel like I am on a boat- or like I am falling through the ground, or feel like I am being pushed down, or falling backward. Every day I get to ask myself will I be okay today? Answer-Heck I don't know. But today walking I didn't have any problems, and so fueled by that success, I was inspired to try rollerblading this afternoon. I have wanted to do it for the past month but have been scared to try. I mean in the past months I have almost fallen while standing perfectly still on flat ground, so it didn't seem like the best sort of idea. But I did it, and I was fine. Like with walking, moving faster and more decisively tends to work best, much better than attempting lots of stops and starts, looking around, and turning in circles. And hours later I still feel fine. I know I could still get walloped, it has happened before- where I think something went well, but there is just a time-lapse till the consequence arrives. But so far I'm feeling cheerful. Excited by the prospect that this is an activity I can still do and enjoy.

There are some sort of rules and I just have to figure them out. Trying to dance today, a hip sway side to side, felt like a tilt-a-whirl, circling my hips I felt pulled downward; I had to stop, first because of the nausea, and second because I know from experience that if I ignore this sensation it doesn't go away-instead my knees give way. So okay I can't dance footloose and fancy free like I used to- dance around every day-, and yeah that does bum me out- but rollerblading to music that too is awesome- and I think I am going to be able to do that. Woohoo!!

Well I wrote two posts, and posted none. Full of thoughts, but lacking commitment.

For my Nana Jean.

She died yesterday, many years ago. Twelve to be exact. Sometimes I think it odd, that her death is the day I mark in her honor (to remember her then, instead of on her birthday). But she was not born into my life, she was always there (a given, like the sun, sky and ground). Her death is the day that startled me, the moment in life of us parting.