9,202 words. Very hard not to eat chocolate. Each uncertain step I take, I think, "Isn't there chocolate in the house? I could go for some chocolate." And I say "Yes there is. But you are not hungry, you are nervous, anxious, tense. Chocolate will not help you as much as will getting through the next sentence".
"How about a butterscotch lollipop then?"

"and all of the things that I said that I wanted come rushing by in my head when I am with you, fourteen joys and a will to be merry, all of the things.....
....sentimental gentle wind flowing through me life again...
sentimental lady" pieces of Sentimental Lady- by Bob Welch

well at least I've got the ipod on.

cat is taking a way too thorough bath right next to me.

"from all the boys the one I take home is music..from all the ladies the one I kiss is music...
music is my boyfriend,
music is my girlfriend,...music is my dead end, music is my imaginary friend...
from all the drinks I get drunk of music......
Music is my king size bed..
music is my hot hot bath
music is my hot hot sex
music is my back rub...." - pieces of-Music is my Hot Hot Sex- by CSS

"hhmp...Hello..TiffyTaffy..is this getting you any closer to your 10,000 word goal for tonight?"
" Umm.....no. But it has less calories than chocolate does."
"Get back to work!!!"
"Okay!!! But first I have to go set up the tape to tape Naruto."
Oh I forgot, I think Choji dies in this episode, I can't bear to watch it.

"Go write! You are like a black cat hiding in white snow. I can so see you"

Ugh, 9,627, my eyes hurt, my head hurts. I want to go to bed, but I wanted to hit 10,000 first. But I have been "spending" time looking for this one bit, I already wrote up, but can't find. I took notes when I was doing this activity so I could describe it well. I have gone through all my typed notes, am still going through all my notebooks. I've found other stuff, but not this part.

Went through everything, couldn't find it, so just re-wrote the part, and as soon as I had, I found it, (on one of my boards, right next to me on the sofa. AAAHHH!!!. But at least I found it. So anyway I typed that in too, so I admit it is a bit of a repeat, but anyway just by a few sentences. I am at 1,100 and going to bed.

trying to get it write

Woke up thinking about the story. I am working on it enough now, that it has started following me around, while I do other things. So I have to scribble ideas down, in a mental emotional shorthand, till I can get to my computer and put them in.

The story is a bit crazier than I had imagined. I knew certain sorts of things happened in it, but now as I put them together stacking one atop the next, I am starting to feel the cumulative effect. And the new parts that are coming and being added in, well they only add to that feeling of "oh my this is a long bit of odd". (I just smiled. Long bit of odd, made me think of the story of OZ (Wizard of Oz) what an odd strange wonderful story that is). I am good with going forward, to stacking it all and figuring it out later. I am concerned that the echoes in Echo seem to be multiplying like rabbits, especially since I have no bunny birth control, but I will just have to leave them go for now, having faith that I will figure out how to cut down on my echobunny population later.

I have something to tell myself, something to say through this medium, through pen and paper. No matter how odd, crazy the story, no matter how words, and ideas repeat, I know I must go to it, not keep stopping, not keep judging and questioning, but just keep going through it, beginning to end. I know I must, sit still and listen.
For it is always telling me so,
always saying...
sit still and listen.

December 8th is coming

I can feel it as it stealthily approaches
I know it is hunting me
I know it is haunting me

1 year.
The one year anniversary of your death.
And I see you everywhere.
And I don't believe you are dead.
It's impossible that such a thing could be true.
Dear sweet cousin.
15, this year, you would have turned 15

I will be at a family reunion, for my fathers side.
December 8th.
I will be at a Christmas party
while your body lies buried in the ground.

I wanted you to read this crazy story I am trying to write.
Selfish I know, to think of that now, when there is so much stuff, so much life you didn't get to have.
But I wanted, needed your help. I trusted you to read it
(I still do, if you wish to peer over my shoulder)
Knowing you would be incredibly kind but also perfectly honest.
That you would tell me simply, what doesn't work
but also I hoped, you would know and feel, what it was I was trying to say.

I miss you.
I miss the days when we all went trick or treating, and spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter together.
I think of your sisters, your mom and dad. I would miss you enough if it was just that you weren't here with me, but knowing you aren't there with them either. That they sit before a holiday table with an empty chair.
Well I hope you don't mind, but I find I can not think of it, to think of it is too much to bear.
You are not here, and your aren't there, but you must be somewhere. For it is not all of you that is in the ground. Does that life, that spark become nothing? Or does it just leave one home, to go find another? I do not know what I logically believe, but I must believe in heaven, I have no choice. It is hard enough to try and accept that you will never be here with us again, but to think of you as no longer being, not existing anywhere (but in our hearts), that is something that I can't believe . I can't believe that and still be able to breathe.
So while I pretend that I am not thinking of you, while I pretend that you are not dead, I sit here and grieve.

udated to- 8,106
6,596 words. Which makes me about half as far along as I should be, and behind most everybody else (Sognatrice and Hooch have appallingly large numbers) (But Matthew R has been keeping me company in the lower numbers as of the last time I checked.) (Mr. Topples is being confusing, he was behind us, but now has switched over to working on another piece, which already has 25,000 words.)

Cheese and Taffy

(draft post from Oct. 24)
Sometimes when Bob is driving, pleasant day, windows rolled down, Cheese and I will catch each other's eye in the side mirror, and then one of us will make a face at the other, and the other will make a face back. So for a time, we will shoot silly faces back and forth, till I realize that while Cheese is tucked in the back seat and not very visible, I am perhaps visible to those whose homes and cars we are passing by, and to them, I would look like some crazy person making psycho faces at them for goodness knows why, so when I realize/remember this I stop. Till the next time we are out and about and I forget and we do it again.

Also

I would like to assert that I am a person who does not swear. And likewise, or oppositewise, Cheese would like to assert that I am a person who does swear. Let's go back in time, to let's say about this day last week. I am driving Cheese to school, and get stuck behind a car moving very very sloooowly. I start saying stuff, not swearing just unpleasantness, but then I switch over to talking about how it isn't this other person's fault, I am responsible for leaving my house in enough time to get there on time. I go on to say it isn't nice or good to carry on so, or talk bad about other drivers, and then Cheese says "or swear". and I say "well of course we wouldn't swear at them. It isn't good to swear, we don't swear". He looks incredulous, "You do all the time!". me-" I do not!". C-" Everyday!". me-" no way.". C- "You do too". me-" I do not. I can not believe you would say such things about your own mother, your mother does not swear, swearing is unlady like, so your mother would not do it. your mother does not swear!" Cheese says matter of factly "well then you must not be my mother.". Oh the twinkle in his eyes. I think my mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe he would say that. (and to his very own mother!)

Anyway since that day, he has been counting how often I swear, he even catagorizes them as, 2 intentional, 2 non-intentional swears. Just today a bus was going real slow, I was waiting for it, because I thought it best not to pull out in front of it, but it seemed to be de-excelerating, and I said " 'ell mon, let's get going". And Cheese looked over at me, his eyes all squinty, thinking. I said "it wasn't a swear it wasn't, I said ell." I think he bought it okay, or decided to let me go on it, though of course it was a swear since I said Hell man let's get going.
I haven't made it one whole day by his count, with damn, and hell in there, and oh shiiii--oo-uuugar. Hey I am clumsy, and I swear when I am in pain, or when my dinner has just landed on the floor.

And
He wouldn't get up for school on Thurday. Just stayed in bed. I talked to him a bit, told him it was time, scratched his back for a few minutes (which clearly made the cat jealous), told him he was running out of time to eat breakfast, then I left. I came back in a few minutes later and he was still in bed, so I started to pull him out by his legs, he playfully helped me along with this, till I was holding him up, then he decided he wished to go straight down, I do not have the strength to keep him up, so down he went. He was lying on the floor, the cat was quite interested as everyone else was on floor, and he on bed, so he came to join us, purring loudly. More prodding on my part, no results, so what else could a mom do? I went and got some cucumber and melon body splash (I don't use it, I don't like it), and chased him about the house with it, threatening to squirt him if he did not get ready for school (this worked). (So) I did this again another day with my lemon cream lotion, only I did put it on his arms and legs as at first he just ignored me and staeyd in bed, this turned out badly as he later stood in the doorway crying because he couldn't get the smell of it off, but I used wipes and paper towels till he smelled like a boy again.

Cheese and Taffy this morning. Today, is Friday, a week later than that incident, same situation, only when I got out both the cucumber and lemon stuff, he jumped out of bed in a hurry. And I chased him down the hall (as like the cat, he enjoys being chased). This started our day off in a certain sort of mood, one that would lead to him holding a pile of his dirty clothes, gleefully, threanteningly and then throwing them at me, and me, grabbing the cucumber spray and saying "Put them down the shute, or I'll shoot!" "Shute or I'll shoot!" (as I had earlier asked him to put them down the laundry shute). So of course I chased him down the hall once more (thank God the headache isn't present at present.).
On the way to school I asked him how that boy was treating him (the one who shoved my son in the face resulting in his glasses breaking, but then said "Oh I am sorry, I didn't mean to do that").
Cheese-"Oh him, he is fine, made these great brownies from his nose hairs and was offering them around yesterday".
Me- "You didn't take one did you?".
C "Of course not.".
Me-"But really, has he been nice to you, or mean, indifferent?"
C-"Very pleasant. He is drunk all the time now, so he is very pleasant".
Me "He is a happy drunk then? That's good".
C- "Yes, it's all the beans he eats".
Me-"Hhmm, they must ferment in his system".
Then I asked this child's last name, and Cheese was off saying his name over and over and making me do the same, as he thinks it is funny, something like Fiefenfurfer. (so that was this actual morning Novemeber). I know I don't do any of my parenting as the books say I should, but we do enjoy our silliness.


Saturday now, (from Oct. post date)
cartoons are on in Cheese's room, but he is down the hall, on a computer, taking personality tests. Weird activity for an 11yr old. And he came downstairs and made me take the Jung personality test too. I came out an INFJ. I had trouble with some of the questions, like whether or not I prefer to take a scientic approach. I was thinking.. "Do I like to form ideas in my head, and walk through them, and then test them out, before implementing them, or am I limited to being step by step,..or?" Then Cheese said "oh come on you make it too complicated, just ask yourself, would I rather have a mechanical robotic unicorn, or a magical one?". So I did, and I chose a magical one. So according to Cheese that meant I was not interested in the scientific approach.
I enjoy his take on things, he is a funny little man, bright, smart, mischievous, and the messiest germophobe God created.

Taffy, Cat

Taffy and Sebi-Katt this morning, and on into the day
I get up for one second, set my computer on coffee table, and come back to find my spot taken

so I move him over, and then he sets himself down so close I can barely move my left arm, and if I move him over an inch or two, so I can put my arm down, then he will just come back and lie on my arm.

Oh and the cat alarm went off today at 5:20, and 5:40 which was very annoying as no one needed to be up before 6 AM

Bob and Taffy

this morning, not so good.
My eyes were barely opened before,
Bob made fun of August Rush, then dissed Alicia Keyes, then went on and on about everything in the same horrible demeaning way.

I am getting tired of this. Bob had off yesteday and I was quite relieved when he went off skateboarding. I don't want to feel that way, like "whew, thank God he left". And I have been feeling that way lately. In the evening I will think, "oh good he is coming home", but the when he does, I think, it was better when he wasn't home.

This morning, I said to Bob "You know your first words in the morning are negative, you are making fun of someone or something, complaining. And your last words at night are the same way, as is the whole day inbetween."

He went on about how hard his day is, and how I would be the same way if I had to do it.

Which isn't true. I would be in a bad mood, I am sure,, and/or cranky and tired. But I would not be tearing everyone and everything down. He pecks at everything, and stomps on it. Britney Spears, Tom Cruise, Liberals, Hilary Clinton, Media, Environmentalists, on and on and on and on. I don't mind Bob's opinions. I understand his politics and beliefs and don't have any problem with them/him at all. (well mostly, I don't. When he acts like gays are attacking the american family, (though he insists he knows and likes gay people just fine, he just doens't like gayness) that I don't understand. I have a problem with him acting that way, but whatever. Bob is Bob, and I am me. We don't have to agree). My problem is with his bashing attitude, I hate bashing, ( I don't like the other major bashing groups habit of bashing either, I don't like Bush bashing, or America bashing, or..). I don't like any sort of bashing. And he seems to constantly be bashing something lately. Like he enjoys carrying on, and making fun of stuff. I don't. I hate the energy of it, anxious, depressing, mean.

I told him, he wasn't choosing his words well. He had been reading Tim (?) Robbins, someone Robbins, earlier this year, and Robbins's book went on about how you help shape your life, by the words you use to describe it. In fact it was not so long ago, Bob gave me a lecture about how I don't choose positive words. In response, with much sarcasm he talked of his upcoming day with positive speak. He then went off to work (thank God), and took the book with him, saying maybe he should read it some more. I think so.