Rollerblading at twilight. I'm gliding down the street, the trees and houses taking on the glinting light from the setting sun. The warmth of day mingled with the cooling breeze of darkness. Birds, dragonflies and butterflies, my fairy companions, as we occupy the same space at the same time, yet remain in separate worlds. My hair flows back behind me, my checks take on heat and color. I skate along to the music of my ipod, and I realize, I am happy. I feel both old and young in the activity. I am 39 and this is my version of going out on a Saturday night, which doesn't seem quite right, I tell myself surely I should being doing something more exciting, or something more dutiful, but as I search for other options, I realize there isn't somewhere else, or something else I would rather be doing at the moment. My husband is still at work. And my son is inside making his dinner; he refuses to eat what I make, though often employs me as his sous chef, and always as his dishwasher. It would feel different if my son was here with me, more of a legitimate activity, a family activity. But as I have taken up rollerblading, he has taken up learning htlm, and c++ code. Odd to think that as I have been outside doing something akin to play, he has been inside working. But of course I approach the skating as exercise, and he approaches computer code, as entertainment. And on that idea is where I have come to rest. How I view what I am doing effects how I experience it. So why don't I set down the calorie burning thoughts and think about fun instead? Well, because it would feel wrong, it would feel too luxurious to admit the truth, that I am playing. With everything that needs to be done, and all the things everywhere that have come undone, here I am, and like a child I am playing. And so that is the question of it. Work or play? On the one hand the answer is nothing of consequence, for the activity, the time it takes, what happens, is the same either way, but on the other, the way it feels, it is everything. Do I hold onto laps, and calories, and notions of cardiovascular fitness to legitimize my rollerblading, or do I toss that merrily aside and embrace freely, brazenly, playing.



by the bye,
writing. realizing the problem with the whole actual sentence thing. Feedback I got from cousin on Echo about how I try to push some nonsentences as sentences which of course makes no sense to her. So I did put IS and ARE in some sentences here to make them um...sentences, but for some reason they just didn't sound right to me, though I knew they were right. (The warmth of day is mingled with the cooling breeze of darkness. Birds, dragonflies, and butterflies, are my fairy companions, as we occupy the same space, at the same time, yet belong to separate worlds.) Yes, I suppose is and are should be there. But somehow they seem like pebbles, in the way of my skating wheels, something I would trip and fall over. Why? Of no interest to you I am sure, but I have to work this one out. Tune my ear.

I've never had a summer of so little sleeping ( well except of course for when my son was a baby). I don't know what's wrong. Nothing exciting is happening, nothing stressful. But for some reason I am fighting to sleep. I am always tired, so each night I feel grateful as I climb the stairs, and plop myself into bed. But I am also wary and weary, anticipating the struggle, that stands in place of the longed for serenity of sleep.

I'm exercising so it isn't the lack of being physically tired. And now I keep thinking I'm running out of days, too soon it will be September and I will have less time and more stress, taking away sleep. (which of course isn't helping me relax and go to sleep, "hurry up and sleep now, who knows when you will get this chance again!"

I keep wondering if it is the writing, I mean the lack of it, perhaps creating a subconscious gnawing feeling, like hunger that keeps one awake, the distant uneasy feeling of something left perpetually undone. I don't know if that could be it, that seems too simple, but then as it is so simple why not try it? yet somehow I resist again and again doing it to see if that would make a difference. I know I wander in unease at night. My body seems still, my mind seems still (filled with nothing), but I am perpetually wandering in a place of unease, that lies vast and long, between being awake, and being asleep. I set my daydreams in my mind, as I have always done, to lead me from one state to the next, but I keep losing them along the way, and am lost in nothingness.

An unusual photo to pick. I was looking for one blurry and grey, a blue rain day. But this one called to me instead. The fire somehow being sleep, bright in the darkness, and the one tending the fire, being a gate keeper of sorts, the one who would keep me out, or invite me in. And that is my riddle, what tasks must I do so the guardian of sleep will let me enter. (if I knew how to photo shop, I could be rid of the chair, which detracts, but perhaps then that represents the so far, immovable object)

just back from a week at the Jersey shore; I'm very grateful that it didn't rain. I had a wonderful time, but I did get a bit stressed over stuff like trying to pack up my family's life, and squish it into my little green beetle. It would be different if things like pillows, blankets, towels, beach towels, tissues, tp, spices, hand soap, etc., didn't need to be packed. And also if I wasn't a woman, and didn't need to pack for rain for shine, for heat, for cold, for sun with a breeze, for beach, for boardwalk, for bike riding. Oh wait, I miss it already, I would gladly make another go of squashing it all back in there if I could have another week.
Read Twilight while there. I had no intention of reading said book, but my sister in law was fourth person to recommend it, and did so the day before I left, and with a flush of enthusiasm for Edward (male lead). I could prattle on now about the things that do not impress me about that book, and maybe later I will, but perhaps I should just be mute, for the point is moot, I am hooked, I am on to New Moon, and know for certain I will not stop till I have read all the books in the series. In fact I wish to be reading one right now. It is just that at the beach one can sit in a chair, feet in the sand, nose in a book for an hour, or three, and it all seems perfectly legitimate, but at home, if I take the same beach chair and set in my backyard, and plop myself down there for a spell, well it just seems indulgent and lazy, and a bit odd. Though I do keep declaring that I am doing laundry at the same time, but there is this nagging feeling that the washing machine and dryer are actually doing the majority of the work while I'm not really doing anything. And I can't help but notice all the weeds that took to my yard vibrantly while I was away. But still it is Sunday, a designated day off. I could be on vacation for one more day; I could take the linens from the dryer and toss them on my bed, and shove the clean wet towels into the dryer, and put another dirty pile into the wash, and..and..go outside, with a book and sit in the sunshine, with the lovely breeze, and only notice the flowers in my yard (not the weeds), faintly hearing the birds, and the children of summer, till I drift away, from seeing a page of printed words, to that magic when you no longer see the words, and see only pictures, as you peer into another world.

Joined facebook, because both a friend and my mom asked me to. Still not really sure what one does there, but assume I will figure it out by and by.
Tired of the whole raining thing.
Looking forward to Harry Potter movie coming out.
Writing? I know I need to do a rewrite; now I've just got to get on with doing it. All I really need is the right frame of mind. I just don't seem able to find one.
I've still been focusing on losing weight instead of writing. I've lost about 10 pounds, which has me thinner than my chubby clothes, but heavier than my thin clothes. To truly wear my thin clothes, I probably need to lose 5 more pounds; I'm just not sure about that actually happening; but I am happy to have made it this far. I feel (and look) more like myself.
I went rollerblading down our street yesterday. It was embarrassing because I know I look old, and at first I was very unsteady (it's been years). But I ended up having a good time, and because I felt foolish, the activity brought forth a childlike giddiness. It was good to have a nice laugh at myself.

The start of summer. Not officially, but the start of summer vacation for my son, which makes it the start of our summer schedule, or lack there of, depending. For the past week I've been thinking that I need to create a summer schedule, but I also don't like the idea as it seems anti-summer to do so. Summer, ideally, lazy unstructured days focused around sunshine and fun, days by the pool, trips to the beach, barefoot in soft green grass, sitting under a shady canopy from trees, smelling the flowers; outings of mini-golf and amusement parks for Bob and Cheese. But I might not get things done without one, or I might spend all my time worrying about, stressing over trying to get this or that done, and not know when to relax. So..
I'm trying to work out my summer schedule. So far all I have is Sunday off (yep thought of that all by myself I did. :) ) no exercising, yard work,trying to learn how to sew, writing or editing, on Sundays. Now all I have to do is figure out how many days and what times of the day I'm going to do all of that stuff. Writing of which, I'm supposed to be exercising right now, 6 days a week before 12 in the afternoon, is my idea for that one. I have let too many days get away from me lately, and I am miserable when I am working- out at 9 or 10pm. Oh well, I guess I best do that now, I haven't figured out when my blogging time will be, but clearly it can't be before my working out time; because that just wont work out. :)
I know I wont be back today though, as I must, I must, finally finish my planting.

I'm still around. Just can't seem to find time. First exercising and son playing with 8 year old triplets from next door. Then exercising and planting (oh and weeding, have some kind of itchy red poison on arms; it is easy to stop the itchy feeling though, all you do is scratch till it is displaced by pain). Spent time cleaning for home appraisal with intention of getting better mortgage loan rate. Two weeks left of school (keeping after my son to do, and then actually turn in his homework, is strangely a full time job). I haven't been blogging, blog visiting, reading, writing, editing, or researching. My intention is that, that will all change any gosh darn day now.