well I meant to write about

how St. Patricks day went, I did yesterday but then my internet connection just stopped, and I couldn't publish it. And today, well today I just sent my Aunt a birthday email, only it turned out to be a sympathy letter instead. Easter is coming, we always had it at my aunt's house, only they moved this year, and then in December her daughter died. I feel sick now, to my stomach and my head hurts, I pretty much like to stick to denial over the whole thing. So I don't feel like writing about pranks right now. I guess I will exercise, and do my best to think about nothing of any real meaning, or at least nothing upsetting.

St. Patrick's Day = stress

Our Family has these extra traditions, that tend to stress me out, the odd part is I am the one who came up with them. St. Patrick's Day is coming, and I am not prepared. For what? Well in first grade my son heard a story about leprechauns pranking you if you don't put something on your front door, a shamrock maybe (fuzzy fuzzy brain wont tell me), and I said cool so we will get one and put it on our door, and my son was like "no way, I want to be pranked". So every year since then he wakes up to a house full of pranks, and a hidden pot full of fake gold coins and chocolate coins, hidden somewhere near something that serves as a rainbow. Last year, we were to be away on vacation during it, so I said well it couldn't happen, and my son was like "well then I am not going, there are only so many times a year anything good happens at this house and I am not missing one of them!". ( I couldn't decide whether to be pleased that he enjoyed these holidays, or to feel totally dissed about how substandard he felt the general home thing to be). Ugh. What to do, what to do? How could I prank the house while not here, could I rush back into the house after we packed the car and do it, so he would return to a pranked house? In the end I decided to prank the hotel we would be at, so I bought all kinds of cheesy fake stuff, hid it in the car, took it with us, and crawled around on the floor (of the one room and bath) place we stayed at (other people's dirt germophobe me), at 1:30 am to set up these pranks. (Husband did not find all the marbles on floor next to his bed, at all funny). So now here it is another year, and I got nothing, and I mean, I can't do repeats. Can I? Can I please do repeats!! I am not a prank person, I do not like april fools day, and the husband is no help at all. Me, I am, every magical creature, or being that makes things happen in this house, he is the person who watches TV and then goes to bed.

This summer for Christmas in July, I got caught. Why the heck did I ever start this one? A daydream I had, that I had a boyfriend whose mother did this (I was younger in the daydream than I am in real life, hey that is why it is called fantasy), you would wake up in the morning on July 25th and the house would be cold (air conditioning), there would be a set of new christmas themed pj's at the bottom of your bed, you would put them on, and go downstairs, and the whole house would be decorated like christmas, tree (smaller one), tinsel, lights, christmas music, christmas specials on tv, windows covered in that fake frost so you can't see the lush greenery of July, hot chocolate, sugar cookies, and some little wrapped gifts. I thought it would be fun so I did it. (I now do a more breakfast like menu and have given up getting up at the crack of dawn to put hot cocoa on, and stuff in the oven). Well that was all well and good when he was younger, though I must say that child never ever ever has gone to bed at a decent hour. Now that he is older, it is even harder, first the siamese cat follows me around while I try to set everything up, and meows, and meows and meows, then he runs around and trys to get at whatever I am doing (yeah he is only 12 pounds, but he sounds like cattle stampeding). Long story short, this summer, my son at about 3 in the morning comes downstairs, I wasn't done, I hid in the shadows around the corner of a hallway, and he walked around and around, and around, said"huh", went upstairs ( I didn't move), went into my room, came down and walked around some more. He went upstairs but didn't go to bed, lights are on, he is waiting. Ugh!!! So, I take some clothes out of dryer, and carry them upstairs, "oh hi, I say, you shouldn't be up", "where were you?" "Oh I just remembered I had forgotten the wash, I didn't want it to get wrinkled, and went down to get it" ("then why didn't I see you?". Ugh damn it! "I don't know, I was there"). He still didn't go to sleep, he wandered around, and talked, and talked to me, we discussed how it seemed that "they" (we have theories as to who they could be, such as elves who got sick of the North Pole cold and moved somewhere warm, Florida maybe, but missed their work, so they bring stuff (but only to some very special boys and girls, in summer. And another one involving other magical beings jealous of Santa so they are trying to encroach on his territory. Or a prank meant to confuse us as to the real time of year) had sort of come, but hadn't finished. And I couldn't finish setting stuff up, it was disappointing. And with my guilt I blamed him, "you know magic like that, can't happen while you are watching. I am sure they got startled away, and wouldn't come back to finish" to which he reminded me that I had been up walking around too.

I don't know, you would think, it would all be over now, no way he could buy it anymore, well if so, he is admitting nothing. I imagine if he knows, now, he is shocked, for he would think me to lazy to have been doing this stuff all these years. And has often remarked that the elves do a better job of decorating for Christmas in July, than I do decorating for Christmas. ( he did walk up and down the stairs this Christmas too, but we had wised up, one big gift from Santa, and then little gifts from us in different wrapping paper. He caught me with these but that was ok. I told him I thought we (his parents) should start getting him stuff too, because as kids get older and older they eventually get less stuff from Santa, because the gifts get more expensive, and you know there are a lot more kids in the world now, and it used to be simpler stuff like wooden trucks and dolls, but now it is Xbox, and Wii, and also grown-ups don't get gifts from Santa, but they do get gifts from their parents, and relatives (in honor of Christmas. Which is about the spirit of giving, and love. I can honor God and have Santa too.)

it is weird as parents, the wanting the child to still believe, and the feeling that they are old enough not to. I don't ever remember believing (the tip-off, I never got what I asked for, what I really wanted. One year, I asked for a toy horse pulling a cart/carriage, and I got a plastic mule pulling a wagon in some mining themed type of thing. Santa would never do such a thing to a 5 or 6 year old girl, it wasn't a revelation though, I had known). I still loved it all. The stories. The myths. The culture that hands this down from one generation to the next, as a gift to believe in magical things. I don't think of it as a lie at all, rather a reminder. When the world was newer, each sunrise was magic, the world was vast and unknown, and what wasn't understood, was filled with awe, and given meanings, sometimes wonderful and sometimes horrible. I still think the world is that way, vast, greatly unknown, filled with things we don't understand, with great beauty to fill us with awe, and things both so wonderful and so horrible, that we try to fill them with meanings, or say it is all devoid of meanings. But it feels like many people think it is known, because of what we do know, and because we understand, seasons, days, the tilting, turning, planet going round the sun. I don't know the more I learn, the more amazed I am. I don't know maybe I am just too stupid to be scientific, but it is all magical to me, meaning mysterious and enchanting (the how it happens doesn't explain the why). I have no interest in slight of hand, or tricks, but seeing the magic in the natural. And people's minds, and ideas, and creating stuff, that is magic. A myth, or an idea, passed down like this, something beautiful in it, the spirit of the idea (which is a good spirit), goes on and on, someone to give gifts, to bring joy. I suppose in some ways it is like a game, we all play, together. And I am grateful that I have gotten to play such a wonderful game, both as child, and as a parent.

back to how we observe them-
The Easter thing ( the greatness of spring) (I love Easter), involves hidden eggs (of course) with some special plastic ones, with riddles inside, you have to figure out to find gifts hidden in the house (lots of bad rhyme involved there, and special handwritting). Of course there is chocolate!
Halloween is the easiest one, with the great pumpkin (it is the one I came up with first, obviously from Charlie Brown). You wake up the day after Halloween night, and if you are a kid, there is a gift inside your pumpkin. This evolved because no one was helping me, in any way, do the pumpkin carving, and the great pumpkin will not leave you a gift inside your pumpkin if he can't because it isn't a jack-o-lantern. (now why he would want you to masacre them I can't say, my reasoning is, it is more about embracing the pumpkin part of the holiday). My Husband hated this one, the first time I did it, thought it would mess our kid up in the head, and all the other kids would make fun of him. In 05 it didn't happen, no one carved, but last year, he was determined to get the Great Pumpkin to come. My DH can stick a sock in it.

which brings us back to-
I have to figure something out, for Saturday, and my mind, is blank. My son loves this game we play together, and so do I (as soon as I can figure out what the heck I am going to do for this holdiay).

The flock of white birds

I came up to get my computer, and saw them out the window, a flock of white birds. Before a couple of months ago, I have never seen a flock of white birds before. (I'm sure I must have on TV). I never know if/when I will see them, so each time is surprising. It feels mysterious. They intrigue me. I like to watch them, as they fly against the sky, they disappear, and reappear, they are striking in front of the blue mountains. So many of them, gathered together in a field. Where did they come from? Where are they going? I know they are just white geese ( I assume so), nothing out of the ordinary about them, and in places where they are commonly seen my enthusiasm would seem daft, but there is something magical in them for me. They don't seem to fly in the same patterns as Candian geese, they undulate and wave, wings glittering, reflecting sunlight, as they appear and disappear, as if fading in and out of existence, crossing back in forth between two worlds, one of solid matter, one of spirit. When the different flocks land together it seems at least a hundred, field of white birds, ethereal from this distance. I know part of the appeal is the white birds in my story, so of course they would seem to mean more to me (though the birds in the story certainly are not geese), but they would have captivated me anyway. As I stood watching them fly in the distance, I suddenly saw white wings above me, a smaller flock had just flown over my head. All those white wings.

a bit of opposite

In honor, of the bad mood I had earlier today, I decided I would put something opposite on here. I was in car- driving, late February. And I was struck by the light behind the trees, and these are the thoughts that followed, unusual because I do not like winter, because of the cold, and the often grey, but this scene was filled with color, though played on a backdrop of white (snow), and I wrote this down while I drove. I don't reccommend doing that, but as things sometimes do, it kept repeating itself until I did write it down.

burst
burst open my heart
explode it all apart
of everything else it becomes a part
like pollock's paint in pop art
of all this beauty
let me be a part

because it hums and sings
and I want to hum and sing too
what I feel through me
let me be felt through

*There is a slightly different first part-

bust
burst open my heart
explode it all apart
splashes everywhere
like Pollock's painting, Art
of all this beauty
let me be a part.

because it hums and sings
and I want to hum and sing too
what I feel through me
let me be felt through.


I freely admit I am not a poet, but I like it anyway, I am not to fuss with it, try and fix it, make it better, it says as I feel, or as I felt, looking at the light in the sky behind the treetops that day, and that is all I shall ask of it. What else would I ask? I think I prefer the second version, and then there is the question of a line in parenthesis on my paper,
of all this beauty,
(around me, (I see)
- let me be a part.
I don't know whether to include it or not.

I was surprised by how strongly I felt it. Other words over to the side of the page say "fling it", as in flinging bits of my heart in splashes over everything, like splattered paint it would be all over the snow, and the sky, and the trees. And like impressionism all the lines would be blurred, the color of the tree in the sky, the color of the sky in the tree, the fields the snow, all the colors echo, I would be in it all, and it would all be in me. Too much rhyme, and bad rhyme, I am a frequent perpetrator of just such crimes. (and I can live with that, just fine). It is a harmless way to annoy one's children. I don't know why I would have such a liking for over-rhyme, or bad puns, or words that sound alike- peony ponies- pictures of pitchers-pieces of peace-
allright go to bed!
I have no intention of being me tomorrow if I'm going to be all grumpy.
Which reminds me. You know what is cool about being in a family?
You end up saying the ridiculous sayings of each other
When my Husband is grumpy I call him Grumpelstiltskin, and when my son is acting grumpy-rude I say -stop being such a grumplefish. Why? I have no idea, it is sort of strange. And I have noticed lately my Husband has incorporated these words into his vocabulary. I sort of like it, having my nonsensical sayings in sentences. It was also really cute to hear my niece say the one day "call him a grumpy fish again Aunt Ya ya.". And I know I pick up all sorts of things they say unawares. You become like your own microcosm, with your own culture, own language, own food. We all watch Naruto now, we talk a certain way because we do, certain concepts, and phrases, and creatures, are a part of our current family culture.
Oh, time didn't stop while I was writing. How odd? Oh and I didn't floss yet either, darn it.
night

by the bye,
the time is after 12, I don't go to bed at 7

My Husband was ever so nice. ???

when he got home, "oh look you made a plate for me, oh and it looks so good, I can't wait to eat it!". I paused in what I was doing, and thought "what the heck is up with him?". Thinking, thinking, thinking...oh yeah! Someone ranted and raved this morning before he left for work, said things like "I am so sick of making food you people don't eat! I wont do it anymore, you want something you order it. Tell me what you want ahead of time, then I will buy stuff and make it, none of this spend my time meal planning and shopping and making stuff and no one eats it! I'm done. Done. You don't tell me what to make you, I'm making nothing!". Oh yeah, that's right, that was me. How could I have forgotten? I was in rare form this morning (with everyone). I did tell him I would make this meal, since I had already planned it, pesto salmon, pasta alfredo (trader joes), ginger soy carrots (trader j's), and there was asparagus but I ate all of it. Son ate some salmon complained whole time said he doesn't like salmon (well he used to), but was very pleased when I brought out the pasta a bit later "you made me eat that salmon and didn't tell me you had this good pasta". (darn right I didn't).

I think I have to be quite serious about the meal planning thing, because they are driving me crazy. And now when they don't eat something, I am not eating it either, so it doesn't get eaten. And our cat is strickly a cat food eater, we have tried to get him to eat chicken and fish and he looks at us like we're nuts. I wonder what they will eat tomorrow? I should go remind them, that they have to think of something. I really don't think that is unreasonable, I know he thinks it is my job, but I think it is enough that I will buy it and make it, and clean up after. Why do I also have to figure out what they want to eat? And they never want to eat what I think they should eat, and even when I try to make it with cheese or chicken encrusted with barbecue potato chips, it still doesn't go over well. And they haven't shown any interest in the food I am currently eating.

Speaking of which,the soy ginger carrots were good with the asparagus. I wish I could stop eating peanut butter for dessert though, it is totally messing with my hopes of weight loss. I'll have to see what the protein content is of this other food, I am eating some nuts and too much peanut butter because of concern over the usual protein sources I am not eating, but maybe I don't need to.

I wonder why I am wasting my time and energy thinking about food, and writing about it? I could be reading a book right now. I could be downstairs with my Husband, but he changes the channel to much, I will go down now, but he will complain when I watch Anderson. Why am I not writing, really writing? Where has Zaph/Koji gone? Is he not walking up the hill, on the winding path, and am I not supposed to follow? Like a low cloud, like a bit of mist, like the sunlight on his back. A journey which is mine to take, as it is his, over and over, till we know it so well, the story of our lives, together. He can not go one without me, he is suspended in time, and I can not go on without him, I am suspended in time. And why be afraid when I already know so many parts by heart, and why be afraid when so many parts are my heart?

Is it not I, who loves to watch things grow?
so say I
Grow

better

I guess getting the book at the library, and the threat of the elimination diet was enough in and of itself to make the pain go away. After reading symptom lists, there is a lot of stuff I don't have, doesn't seem to fit any illness, and no gerd or heartburn, and D is a frequent symptom on lists, which is something that I do not have. So, I don't know what is left, certain food intolerances it could still be, and I can't say for sure that it coudn't be an ulcer, but it seems unlikely ( I think the pain would then always be in the same area, and feel the same, and crackers wouldn't cause pain, and then I think tomato sauce would). So I am going with, sometimes certain foods or patterns of eating don't sit well with me (that is my official Dx). If I have ongoing troubles I will have to do the stupid elimination diet (which oddly enough has avocados, spinach, and asparagus on it. Things I'm suddenly eating a lot of). I would wait till after Easter, if I did do it. Ugh, after reading about it, I don't like the whole concept, it is about the body having trouble with foods it eats frequently, thus if one has a tendency toward intolerances one would be at risk for developing an intolerance with any food he/she eats often. Which means that if I eat lots of this pasta sauce, and avocados, etc., then I will be likely to develop problems with these foods too, ugh that wont do at all, that is how I eat, I get in grooves, and eat the same thing week after week for months, till I am good and sick of it, then I have to find other things to eat, and I eat them till I get sick of them. Speaking of which it is hard giving up the morning fuji apple (though I am sick of them, thus they don't taste as good anymore), I sitll haven't found a good replacement, right now I am trying strawberries, but they aren't in season (is anything?), I don't like sour or tart tastes, so I have to cut them up and add sugar.

I did eat lunch with my Mom, less than I usually would have, overall it went pretty well. I have a strategy now, call it fruit/veg mush base. I've been starting out with a fruit breaksfast for awhile now. I thought this was choice, and maybe it used to be, but now I am unable to eat a carb for breakfast, that much I did figure out, it actually hurts. I can add some to the veg mush base and it is fine, though I guess I should call it fruit mush instead because I am talking about tomato sauces or avocados, with then veg added. The Indian pre-packaged meal things, seem to be working pretty well, tried them because they fit into this concept. So it is all good, I'm just going to have to keep looking for ways to expand it, so I'm not repeating within the week. Oh, and I can't eat too many different types of stuff, I can't do one of these, and one of those, and a bite of this that and the other thing, at any given meal.

The one thing which is still a downer which may or may not resolve itself, is that I am afraid of certain food (s). We have some flavored "natural" potato chips, I can't eat them, I'm scared. I tried one, they taste ok, kind of weird, but not bad (mind you, I haven't had them in about 8 months, but I used to really like them), and now I actually feel fear when I try to (do they taste different, or am I tasteing fear?). And if they would end up bringing back the pain, they certainly don't taste good enough for me to be ok with that. A slice of "healthy" pizza, now makes me nervous, should I eat it, shouldn't I eat it, is there something in it that will burn, or stab, or during the night make me feel like I might throw-up so I wont be able to sleep at all? Sure, I have been stressed over food choices before in my life, but it was about idelology, those kinds of shoulds and shouldn'ts, and I finally decided it was stupid, the stress of worrying about this and that, all these rules, probably being worse than consuming whatever it was, would be. So I decided to worry less and enjoy more, try and seek balance. I made friends with dairy again, and decided that yes I could eat a cheeseburger ( about once a month, a little more in summer), and dessert (frequently). And now (about 2 yrs later) here I am back at food fear. Only this time the fear isn't because of an external belief but internal grief. Or at least that is how it seems, but what if it is somehow all psychosomatic, what if I am doing this to me, what the heck would it be about, and if so, seriously could it just stop happening, because I am so not in the mood to go evaluating the heck out of everything. Besides I doubt I could figure it out anyway. I'll stick with my new strategy for now, because it is working. And maybe it is just my body, maybe it missed eating the veg, maybe I am low on some vit or mineral or something, and it is just forcing me to make other choices for awhile. I'm trying not to stress-out over it, just taste it, if tastes good, I eat it, if not, I don't. But when it tastes just alright, then I'm not sure what to do. Oh which brings us to a bit of grossness, if I taste it and it tastes bad I spit it out, much like a child would, only more descreetly into a napkin. Such was the fate of a bite of chicken at lunch, and a bit of egg at dinner yesterday, yuk, disgusting, trash.

by the by, You would think I would have lost weight right? Ha, no not really, about two pounds but that is because I started exercising again, and I get to see my weight go right back up again any day I don't. I seem to be packing in the calories just the same. Yep, it is a very thick, veg/fruit base, with plenty of fat in it. You would think I would be afraid of nuts, but I've been getting hungry for peanut butter, and have had no troubles with it (except for caloric ones). I am afraid of cheese though, no idea why,(I have always loved cheese, even when avoiding it, I never would have denied my love) but it doesn't appeal to me right now (thinking about it makes me feel queasy), and if I take a bite "no, don't eat it" everything seems to say. weird. whatever.

I'll go to the library tomorrow instead

and see if I can find a book about it, I have to go anyway, and I am not enjoying my web quest for info. Many cover the same general stuff over and over, and the others want me to join a club, or to buy something, or at the very least to buy into something. An elimination diet sounds like such a drag, with so many possible culprits, sulfites, and food additives, etc., ugh. It all (the intolerances thing) sounds kind of made up to me (though the pain I am feeling does seem real) If only I hadn't been having problems since September, I wouldn't bother looking into it at all. And several family members do avoid certain foods, we have 3 lactose intolerant, and a bunch of onion avoiders, among other things. No one will say what happens to them though, how they know, I have asked. My Husband mentions ulcers (because September was stomach on fire), that really doesn't appeal to me (I don't want one). He is going to be out with me tomorrow and he is just going to have to deal with buying more pasta sauce and avocados (he whined when I mentioned it). And they are just going to have to tell me what they want me to make them for dinner, I have a feeling I'm going to be less motivated in the meal planning and prep areas. It always amazes me, how when they do not seem terribly fond of my cooking, whenever they are hungry, they still always walk over and stare at me, and say "what's for dinner?". At least they did eat last nights meal. Though my son was indignant when I made him try the lemon herb rice, he said "eww, it tastes awful" and I said " I know" and he said "you knew that, and you made me eat it anyway" and I said " I didn't make you eat it, I merely made you taste it". He felt this was not nice of me, eh, my husband ate it, and the unplated stuff in the fridge. I didn't tell him no one else was willing to.