Saturday, January 15, 2011

   Feel much better. I did look up dream interpretation of such things and nothing seemed to apply.  Mostly now I am having scramble, jumble, tossed dreams, meaning this that and the other thing, and no attempt possible at a meaning, which is fine with me. 
    The dream I had the night after the nightmare a little shimmery blue fish turned into a baseball playing, poetry reciting boy. This transformation happened when I stopped at a strip mall to get him a bowl of water (having assumed the fish I found in my car, walking around with his fins, needed water), and it turned out the owner of the shop was his mom.  He had been reincarnated. He remained a boy in the dream (at the exact age he had been when he died) and was returned to his mom to live the life together they would have had. Plus... 
   I liked that dream a lot.  I think beyond the icky-ness of my experiencing the nightmares themselves, what really bothered me, was what they said about me.  What sort of person dreams about those things? Is that in me? Is that me? It made me feel dark.  But that fear, that concern is lessening, I am thinking about it in other ways. The dreams were never about the act, the dreams occur later on, they were about the aftermath, about sadness, confusion, responsibility, fear, in two of them complicity through silence because of family loyalties. So anyway, I think I was getting too stuck on the details of them, and worrying what they meant, letting them haunt me.  The fish dream was a lovely contrast. And I did not find myself drawn to pick it apart and try to figure out what it was telling me, or said about me.  It was just a nice dream, just like those others, were just bad dreams.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

just a self-help, dejunking post

   I'm so tired of having nightmares.  I've averaged about one a week, for 6 weeks now.  Murder.   TV perhaps, I don't watch CSI, but I do watch the Mentalist, but not before I go to bed.  I watch it at 8 am or 9 int he morning, when I work out.  And during this time period, most of my shows hadn't been on.  Twice the last thing I had watched was King of the Hill with my son.
    Real life of course, the news, but recent tragedies, are just that recent. And don't correlate. And though I do take notice and mourn such senseless losses, I haven't been paying close attention because of the dreams. I feel bad about that, like the least I could do is...well anyway,

    If if keeps happening I'm going to need a strategy.  I'm already intending to get a notebook, special for it, seems wrong to put such stuff in one of my cutesy notebooks. On paper maybe I can work out the psychology of it, or whatever. And I think the mere act of getting the notebook and setting it beside my bed, will keep the nightmares from coming back. So that the purchase will be pointless and I will feel silly for having bought it for such a purpose.

   Last night I was a man in his 20's, a family friend also a male in his twenties, had just killed someone.  A blond woman also in her 20's, she was attractive, real sweet, and kind to him. He happened to be mentally disabled.  It wasn't exactly intentional, he liked her and didn't want her dead, but this wasn't the first time it had happened. Not even this week. I think the other one was some older guy, I didn't know much about him, just that there was another one (around). And I was telling him (the murderer) about being careful and not (loving people too hard), and he got really angry and started beating on me. I told him I would help him, help him hide what had happened.  The dream shifts, and there I am shovel in hand, standing in a field surrounded by trees, digging a hole, or rather a burial plot, two of them side by side. And then he appeared at the other hole and started digging.

And I woke up.
5:40 A.M. for a second I was disappointed to be awake, my alarm doesn't go off until 6, but it was much better to leave that dream.

No thank you to more of that.

    I'm trying to think of it as maybe representing other stuff, I can I guess, say loving people too hard, could be a heads up to me, to not make my son feel smothered by being overprotective. But if that was the point of this dream, my subconscious is going about it all the wrong way, as dreaming about such things, tends to make me more sentimental with my family, and more protective.
    And I can't manage to apply anything at all to the other dreams.  When I get the notebook I'll write down the feelings generated, maybe it is less literal, and more about that.

And hopefully, and prayerfully, that was the last one.